A
female
age
51-59,
*amurai girl
writes:If a few of your partner's close relatives were casual pot smokers, who held down jobs and were otherwise responsible, loving people, would you feel comfortable letting your kids visit these relatives, if you are morally opposed to any casual drug use?How do you reconcile your core values with something your partner doesn't think is wrong, but it affects how you feel about your partner and his family? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): Yes, unless they smoke around the kids. You might think it's wrong, but you had kids with this man and you should respect his family. Just because they do something you don't agree with doesn't mean you should prevent your kids from having a meaningful relationship with them. I wouldn't tolerate it if they endangered your kids in any way, but your kids will most likely end up resenting you if you turn them against this part of their family when they're young.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): Hi,I understand how you feel. Right now, when your kids are young, you DO have control on how they are influenced. Interesting how posters have their views, yet how many have their own children. Wouldn't their mama bear- papa bear instincts kick in? I believe they would. Who wants to police their kids around family? No one wants to have their guard up, we just want to relax and Know the kids are safe. We can't choose our family, but if we have Core Values that conflict with what they do...the only thing you can do is be smarter than they are. Have a PLAN with your husband. He needs to know- if his family ever smokes around the kids, then confrontation is needed. You might be the 'outsider', but what matters is when your kids are adults, they will understand you were only trying to protect them. I have a sister in law that likes to wear slutty clothes. I try to be 'smarter' and avoid or make plans with my daughter when the 'aunt' is around. I'm so sneaky about it, no one has caught on...the 'aunt' knows we love her, but if I don't look out for my daughters interests no one else will.
...............................
A
female
reader, samurai girl +, writes (24 February 2009):
samurai girl is verified as being by the original poster of the question I really appreciate the replies. I posted because I asked what YOUR opinions were, irrelevant to mine - that's how the question was posed. It's called feedback. Thanks, I do appreciate the time you all spent addressing the question.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): Samurai Girl: Illegal doesn't necessarily mean bad. Homosexual marriages were illegal for a long time. Did that make it bad? Of course it's bad if you belong to a religious congregation. Anus sex is illegal in many countries. Does that mean it's a bad thing? It's illegal for a 19 year old to have sex with a 16 year old in some states in America, but it's also legal for a 19 year old to have sex with a 16 year old in other states. So do you justify the 'bad' part of that?
"Law abiding" does not mean it's necessarily good. Most laws in the modern world were created long before women had equal status in countries where men reigned with authority.
Let's look at this more specifically. In Canada, it is illegal to use Marijuana that is NOT for medicinal usage. So how does that work for you? Since your core values mean ALL marijuana is bad regardless, since you're a "law abiding" citizen. Of course, within context, it's safe to say for medicinal usage can be an 'entirely' different subject, but what if the law ALSO included that medicinal usage was illegal?
When CORE VALUES are based on the laws that the justice system makes, then it makes the foundation for your CORE VALUES questionable. It's one thing to say, "I am against abortion" and another to say "I am against abortion because it is illegal where I live".
On top of that, as Cerberus have mentioned, if you already have a SOLID idea of what you want, why did you post here?
Also, the "B" of my first comment is a reflection of what I would think of a person who's CORE VALUES are based unjustly. Like I said, laws that dictate a person's CORE VALUES make the foundation of that person's values questionable and weak.
...............................
A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (24 February 2009):
 This is getting interesting LOL.
In one South East Asian country rhat I know of, pot is illegal. However, in one of its provinces, marijuana is used in everyday cooking as it is considered as cooking spice. Yes, the authorities raid areas where large scale cultivation of a high grade variety of marijuana exists (normally the produce is to be exported elsewhere as "pot"), but they do not raid indiviual homes that have one or two bushes of it in their backyard. And yes, these people sometimes smoke them too, but apparently they prefer it in their foods as opposed to their lungs! LOL.
Hows this for an analogy: My partner is a nephew of Martha Stewart. Should I let our children visit her, knowing that she has been found to have broken the law and spent time in jail?
Cat
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 February 2009):
 I'm guessing that the same dynamic is happening with your partner that seems to be happening here. People tell you to lighten up, it could be much worse, but you know that it's illegal and are having trouble coming to grips with this.
How is it you know that they are casual pot smokers? I could see being more concerned about them being high and having their judgment compromised when your children are visiting them than with the legal issues. I mean, do you ALWAYS drive the speed limit? Have you NEVER broken the law? Never driven with perhaps one too many drinks in you?
It sounds as though you feel things very strongly and do not approve of these people at all.
Look, I'd be worried about the kids visiting anyone doing anything that impairs their judgment. But if it's casual, every once in a while, and they don't do it when your kids are around, I'm not sure what you will gain by refusing to budge on this. You will probably lose a lot, if your children don't spend time with his side of the family too.
I think that you've hit one of those really tough spots in a relationship, where someone has to compromise. I can't tell you what the solution is for you, but I would think through very carefully all the repercussions of banning visits to these relatives because they smoke pot once in a while. You'd have to consider banning visits to relatives who drink too much once in a while too, as they may do something illegal under the influence. What message will your children get from this? Again, I can't tell you what your solution is, but I'm guessing that they're his children too? So he has some say in how they are being raised?
It's a tough one. I wonder what kind of answers your partner would get if he wrote in with his side of the argument?
I wish you luck as you resolve this issue.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): If you'd already made your mind up on the issue, then why ask?
Why are you getting so aggressive? You can't compare pot to guns, it's like comparing jay walking to rape.
I didn't insult you so there's no need to be defensive, you obviously have strong opinions on this so I will say no more.
Just know that there are differing levels of law breaking and smoking pot doesn't make someone a danger to society.
More people die and kill drunk on alcohol and that's legal.
...............................
A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (24 February 2009):
 Well there is a bit of a difference there, since guns have the ability to injure and kill... the worst pot does is make you want to have a nap/eat the kitchen.
Look at the history of pot, look at the reason why it is illegal. Mostly tied up with protecting white chicks from blacks and Mexicans. Racist bullshit. There is no good reason for it to be illegal. It is not dangerous. The problems around pot these days exist BECAUSE it is illegal, as opposed to some legal things that are much more damaging (alcohol, cigarettes and yeah, even guns). Theft (even of spoons) is illegal for perfectly good reasons and punishment for theft is usually justified.
Ask the people not to smoke pot or talk about pot when the kids are there and you won't have any problems. Rest assured that associating with potheads and even *gasp* maybe one day, when they're older, smoking pot- won't ruin your kids lives.
...............................
A
female
reader, samurai girl +, writes (24 February 2009):
samurai girl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is striking to me the contortions people put themselves into to justify illegal activity whether it's done in moderation or not. It's illegal. If it were a gun, I'm sure I'd have VERY different answers because guns = bad, although they are legal. What kind of twisted logic is it to say someone good does something bad that THAT something must be not so bad?
You are responsible for your kids until majority. Of course, you can't shield them from everything and everyone. But, you equip them to make good decisions and have sound judgment. Yes, people judge people very day.
I also appreciate being insulted in a very trite way. Controlling & irrational? No, just law abiding. If I like to casually steal spoons, it's ok because I have a good job and a nice house?
Thanks for sharing. Smoke on...
...............................
A
male
reader, Replacement +, writes (24 February 2009):
Pot is pot, most people have tried it at some point, it's pretty harmless as long as they don't smoke it around the kids or try to force the kids to smoke it.
If your relatives are such great people, even though they smoke pot, doesn't that make you think that... maybe pot isn't so bad? Kinda like Michael Phelps who won god knows how many gold medals and smokes pot? Goes to show you that pot doesn't necessarily get in the way of having great careers and being good healthy people...
But then I'm a casual pot smoker who has a very respectable job, a nice house, a clean bill of health and a very happy life. Oh, and I get along great with children. I'd like to have a couple of my own in fact, once I'm married to my current girlfriend. Pot doesn't turn people into monsters. Don't be so frightened, your kids will be fine.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): You'd better truly reflect on those values and why they're your values, truly, I'm not saying they're right or wrong, but are you going to impose those values on everyone you meet? or think less of people that don't have all the same values?
I know Muslims that are morally opposed to eating ham, but it doesn't mean they're going to stay away from me or judge me immoral for doing so and yes eating pig is illegal in their country.
As long as they're not blatantly smoking pot in front of my kids then I'd be okay with it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): This is a tough question to answer because I'll need to rationalize why it's wrong in the first place. Like most things, I believe in moderation. However, to force myself into your mentality, I would be fine to let my children visit these people. I cannot force my own values onto my children. I can only guide them and tell them the dangers of such things as they grow up. You may wonder if the influence of such people would greatly degrade my objectivity and it probably would. However, are we to cage our children forever? We can only tell biased information for so long, until they go out into the world and experience such topics on their own.
If it affects me so much, I can either A) get my point across to my partner, so she can change or B) accept that I am the one being more controlling and less rational or C) leave her and find someone who would share the same core values as I do.
...............................
|
