A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What would YOU do here? My friend is playing mind games with me and a guy I really like, and I don't know what I should do in this situation? I am in love with a male pal for the past 1-2 years and he knows this since I had told him at Christmas via a text. But he doesn't seem to feel that way about me, though recently he seemed to value my company more than before and I got a hug at the door on one of our DVD nigths. He does however likes my closest girl pal since they met one night out over Christmas, in fact, he came out with both of us one night at Christmas when she texted him from my phone. She got drunk and held his hand and sat on his knee and kissed his cheek and he seemed amused by it all at the time. I think he started to like her after that. I told them both to be careful as I didn't want either to hurt the other (my girl friend had a bad breakup last year and I know he had very serious problems with a woman in his past). Anyhow they went ahead with contacting each other,met up one time for a drink etc. The 3 of us went out a few weeks ago and had a nice night together (as a group thing not a threesome or me and a couple, IYKWIM). Anyhow, then she invited him out a fortnight ago in a group with her sister, the sisters got drunk and the sister said to him (he stayed sober)she thought he was hiding something and was not a nice person etc. My friend was embarrassed at ther sister saying stuff like that and she got so drunk she went straight up to bed and left him there to sleep on a sofa in the freezing cold. He told me he did not have a very nice weekend afterwards. Since all that my friend says she finds him a smarmy foreigner and keeps saying she has no interest in him. Why then does she talk on the computer with him all the time? He tells me he likes her, he talks to her on Messenger and Facebook all the time and she responds BUT she told me anytime i asked she doesn't like him and thinks he's too intense etc. She asked him directly last week why he would not think of me and him as a couple, but she told me he said he has never looked at us in that way and is afraid that it wouldn't be good if it all went wrong, or something like those words. He told her he is participating in a race tomorrow and she asked me would I be interested in going? He didn't tell me but when I told him I knew he has a big race and that we could support him he said he hadn't wanted to be disappointed if no one went. Now she says we should go together and he seems pleased we are to go. Should I back out at the last minute and not go? I know she probably wouldn't go on her own. Will it be mad going there, just the two of us being at the finish line? I think she is playing games here but maybe its just jealousy from my part. But a male pal of mine has said she is manipulating and being abitsh and also that I shouldn't go in to the race. What should I do about the two of them? I like spending time with him but I don't know if its right to let him down tomorrow.[Mod note to the OP: Please be more "reader friendly" by breaking your posting into paragraphs. Thank you.]
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): Thanks to the last poster for the good advice. In fact, I went along to the race after all, and it was a really nice day, all 3 of us friends and it was a very pleasant day overall. He drove us home and treated us both to dinner out... :) You are correct; I was harbouring a vain hope that when she throws him aside that eh would turn to me but I know that's not realistic. I will ignore their texting and messaging as much as I can and follow the rest of the advice in dealing with them. I guess I have to grow up and face facts.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): Regarding the race... if you want to go, then go. If you don't then don't. But either way, make it about what you want and don't think about either of them.That said, you did the friend thing. You warned them both to be careful, but after that, just stay out of it, because their insanity with each other is only hurting you (as he is someone you have feelings for). Let me say what you won't tell yourself - if and/or when their relationship doesn't work, he will not seek solace in your arms. Whether or not you want to admit it, its the reason why you're as involved as you are in this. Believe me, I understand... and you wouldn't be human if you didn't feel this way or harbor this hope deep down inside. But the fact is, if they don't work out, it will not leave the way open for you. You will just end up getting hurt and losing both your friends.Is your girlfriend playing mind games with you? Perhaps. She may be throwing things in your face by inviting you along to this race or telling you whose contacting whom on face book, etc. Or she could sincerely be ignorant as to the pain its causing you. Some people are thick that way with no sense of empathy for other people. Either way, you would do best to just say, "Look, whatever you 2 are doing, I really just don't want to know. If it works, I'm happy for you both, but i really don't want to know any details." And if she brings it up again, change the subject.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2009): Many thanks for your answers. I guess I'll see tomorrow. I will try as always to forget about him and move on.
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A
female
reader, shna  +, writes (4 April 2009):
 personaaly i think you are putting wy to much thought into this !
if your friend does not like him tell her stright out "why do you talk to him all the time if you really think he is to intense "
of course she is playing mind games with you and shes knows shes doing something , she might not know wat shes doing but i have a feeling she knows shes pissing you off .
dont bother going to the race you have other friends then this male and female !!!
move on from him and her , if he has had the oppertunity over the last two years and hasnt made a move , you no deep inside he isnt intrested , i think you shud stay away from him and let him do watever he wants with your friend , then youll see how TRUE and two faced of a friend she really is to you
sorry to be harsh but i cant put it nicely
xxxxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2009): You are spending entirely too much time in their business and it's their relationship, not yours! You need to stop making decisions based on what's going on with them. Why wouldn't you go to the race? Your just friends. They like each other and that's a separate thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2009): OK, so I see what sort of advise I can expect. No I am not that age, by the way. IYKWIM = if you know what I mean.I thought I would be a pal to them both, that he didn't need his head messed with yet another woman, and that she could do without any more drama in her life, so that's why I initially (only at Christmas) said 'be careful' to them both. And not to hurt one another. I thought at the time it was the right thing to do. Guess that was wrong.I have not interfered in their meeting up since, or talking to one another,ever since Christmas. I said go ahead they are both adults when he asked me was it okay to go out with her. In fact I asked that they not tell me about when they are meeting up etc., but she was so upset she told me herself about the night with her sister. But he never mentioned meeting her or the night; just that he had an unpleasant weekend when I routinely asked how his weekend went that Monday.I didn't suggest going to his race; she did.The question was: do I go? i.e. support his race when she is going as well or go ahead and meet them? And what about future events she will be at? I feel have not interfered in their 'relationship' other than Christmas.
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (4 April 2009):
 What the hell is IYKWIM? and are you really 26-29?
Oh and as for advise stop being such a busy body, he likes her not you so don't warn them off each other and let them get on with their lives.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (4 April 2009):
Right, he liked her, she likes him.
Just because you want him to be with you, doesn't mean this is any of your business.
Neither of them seem to know what they want. They are both denying everything about eachother and can you really blame them?
You are far too involved with this - as is every one else in your social group or so it seems.
Just leave them alone to sort it out and back away from the whole situation.
You are not in school. You do not need to get your friends to go round telling people who fancies who and what they think of each other.
Tell them to grow up and sort themselves out.
In the mean time go out with some of your OTHER friends and meet some new guys to get over your crush.
Good Luck!! xx
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