A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi guysI have had a really tough time being with my man, although things between us a mirculously fine now. We have come through the storm! When you read this you may think I am a martyr or perhaps a fool, but now things really are OK.My man left his long marriage after years of being unhappy to be back with me, his first love. During that time I went through all the greiving process with him and he was all over the place. He was bargaining with himself about whether he had settled with me too fast and was at least tempted at one time to have a fling (it is possible he did as there were signs but I don’t know for sure). He used porn a lot alone which seemed a habit from his marriage before we met again . He was completely horrible to me often. He moaned extensively about me and my son who was 10 to his family, all of whom had been very much against me any way – I think he was trying to get the message through to her that he was regretting what he did or he wanted sympathy from them. He was still telling me that he loved me all through that time. He denied when I asked him but I knew he was thinking he wanted to go back – I knew it by heart. He said I was mad.I became paranoid because he was so horrible to me, started checking his computer use and his phone – and I did find things that were disloyal which he wrote to his ex wife, sister and brother. He confided in his parents too.There were loads of things he did and said that were really awful, but I knew he was badly depressed and he was suicidal at one point. He kept saying it was about him not me and that he loved me but had very complicated feelings and mixed emotions about what had happened to him, which included losing everything material he had ever had at the ripe age of 47.I actually became ill myself, got loads of help to get through, but finally cracked.The catalyst was his sister coming over who I knew was close friends with his ex wife and I knew I would be judged. She said things to me which totally confirmed all my worst fears – such as “This is so much more HIM (this life). I do hope he stays, he would be mad to give it all up”. We had long been living together and had bought a house. Also “For him the grass is always greener, so many places to go and people to meet in the world. It must be very hard living with someone when you don’t know what they will do next.” “He looks at the past through rose tinted spectacles”. I know I should not have but I asked if he had considered going back and she said he had, but she was sure it was only for his stuff.I told him to leave. There was a huge and terrible consequence for me. His family had a conference and decided I should see a psychiatrist and be mentally assessed. I went because by then I half believed them. It was as though I made it all up. The nurse said there was nothing wrong and I had no signs of having a personality disorder whatsoever. I found a friend who happens to be a psychiatrist and he saw us both, telling me I may have been influenced by hormones in some ways (gave me vit B6) and possibly been a huge martyr but that my man had by far the bigger problems. Then my chap decided to see if he could fight to get back some of his possessions, he was forced by blackmail to give his ex wife the house, and confessed that she and his daughters had information that they could hurt me with. It was that he HAD asked his daughter to find out whether he could go back....I was not such a paranoid after all.Now his sister is coming back to this country again and I am very angry about it all still. I don’t know how to handle this because the spin I have is that she MAY decide to give me another chance. I feel absolutely no inclination to seek it, she knows nothing about me, what this has been like, and I totally refuse to be judged as a person worthy or not, by her. My close and old friends are horrified and dismayed by it all. If you knew the other side of my man you would not tell me to give him up, we are very very close now and bit by bit things are opening up and we are very happy. But I do have to fight hard for my boundaries and my rights and am. I love him but I won't marry him ever, that is all tainted now! What would you do about her visit? I am dreading it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your support. I have organised a big birthday party for him and am going to sing some special songs with a friend plus my guitar. We sound great, the party will be great and I am going to do as you say!
A
female
reader, ctds001 +, writes (24 June 2010):
Hi,
Whenever someone really upsets me I kill them with kindness. DO NOT let her see you unhappy, concerned or in need of acceptance.
Put your armer on and let all her comments bounce off you. DO NOT retain anything she says!
If she irriates you too much go and see "a friend in need" as often as you need to.
Good luck x
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