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age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I have a question for everyone. Would do you consider ascheating? I am divorced and single and have started dating again. I am talking to a new guy mostly texting and he is very interested in me but is uneasy about me talking to other guys he considers it cheating. I still have feelings for another guy but I'm not in a serious relationship with him. When we first got together he kind of hinted that I was cheating on him but was very subtle saying that I was flirting with other guys by text.I do like the attention from other guys but I have never slept with any of them. We do talk sexy to each other and they like the way I look. So would you consider thatcheating?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 January 2014):
 Don't try too hard to be "in love" with a person you ONLY message and text. I'm being serious here. You said he pulled back after he KNEW you "loved" him. Well, that COULD be the reason he pulled back. It could also be that he wasn't really LOOKING for a GF, but someone to boost his ego. Flirty, sexy texts are good for that. Personally, I think those should be saved for someone you ACTUALLY love and are WITH. Because otherwise they kind of lose meaning. If you get my drift.
Because it takes getting to know someone to fall in love. I know people get a "high" feeling from meeting new people and feeling like there is serious chemistry, but if the relationship is conducted through texts and messages, it's not QUITE the same as actually having dates where you met up, talk, share experiences.
I would, if I were you, met up sooner rather then later. Why drag it out with a lot of texts and attention if he isn't looking for a relationship? Why settle for words on your phone, when you SHOULD get face to face meeting, outings, dates?
I think if a guy seems really keen on texts, but not keen to met up for lunch, coffee, tour of a museum, walk in the park, whatever you might like (and NOT at either of your homes) then he is a "tease" and you are wasting your time on him.
Being on several dating sites is not a bad idea. But I would try and focus on one guy at a time. That way you aren't texting multiple people and getting to know none.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd I just to add Tisha-1 you are right I do want a real relationship. I told this guy he is the only one I want
and like you said put up or shut he doesn't have any claim
on my texting affections. Either he asks me out and wants
to be with me or I continue dating other guys.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the new comments and to Tisha-1, yes I am using
texting as a way to feel better. But it has to do with the
second guy I mentioned in my post. He was very into me in
the beginning and I thought that he wanted me to be his
girlfriend, and when he started to pull back and text me
less I felt hurt by that. It's almost like there were a
separate set of rules for him. He was on the same dating
site as me and he had messaged me about six times before
I responded. He has gotten angry because I am on another
dating site and he would never say that he had any kind
of feelings for me. He was attracted to me and said very
romantic things he even made a comment to me saying "I'm all you need." But he only asked me out once, and now
that he knows I love him he has backed off and says we
should just be friends on the text. If he wanted to date
me and be exclusive I wouldn't be flirting with all of
these guys.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 January 2014):
What would I consider cheating?
Any social interactions you can't do in front of your partner. And yo me partner means EXCLUSIVE and COMMITTED relationship. Not just different guys you chat with.
However, with that being said, I would tone down the flirting because it is SO easy for others to misinterpret what you say in a text - you might have thought it came off fun and flirty where as some guy could take it either as a come on or an insult..
I know it's the "thing" to talk and date more then one person at a time, I just don't agree with it - I think it makes people spread themselves to thin and they miss either the GOOD signs or the WARNING signs.
Talking to male friend is fine, just no talk that implies a sexual nature.
And don't get caught up in "time wasting" guys who just LOVE the whole texting aspect but not the reality of dating, such as spending time together face to face.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 January 2014):
 If neither of them is your boyfriend and you spend most of your time texting them, then neither of them have claim on your texting 'affections.'
If the first guy wants to date you, then he has to take you out on proper dates. Texting, flirting via text with sexy messages, does not a relationship make. If he's all text and no action, well, then he's a big old time-waster.
A guy who is "interested" in you but isn't actually DATING you isn't your boyfriend or a date or anything but a text buddy. He's manipulating you by suggesting that you are cheating already. I'd call that one a red flag and I would drop him. That's manipulative and controlling of him and frankly, kind of creepy.
Are you using texting as a way to make yourself feel better while keeping people at arm's length?
Do you want a real, actually in the room, personal contact type of relationship, or are you just enjoying the cybersexy stuff?
"Put up or shut up," is what I would tell Mr. No-texty-anyone-elsey. "Ask me out and let's start something in real life. If your data plan sucks up all your time and attention, well, then, get back to me when you have a real life. :)"
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 January 2014):
 OP I think that you will KNOW you are ready for a relationship with a guy when the desire to be flirting with others goes away.
I'm a huge natural flirt. My husband says I flirt like I breathe... thankfully he's very secure with it. But the minute I was committed to him, even I noticed a subtle change in my flirting. The change being that I no longer was putting THOUGHT into my flirting... I was just being myself. AND if felt it was getting out of hand I mentioned my then boyfriend (now husband) early enough into the conversation (not texting) so that my behavior would not be misconstrued.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello and thanks everyone for your comments. I wanted to mention that I do flirt with these guys I talk to, and I guess it's because I don't have a boyfriend. When I was married I never cheated on my husband. Not to say that I never noticed other men but I wanted to be faithful. But dating is different because I'm not exclusive with any of them. And the point about the guy I like sending textto other females is good.If we only wanted to date each other exclusively then we would talk about not texting other people. The same with me my childhood friend is a guy who lived across the street from me and he was in my wedding, but my ex-husband was fine with him because he knew there was nothing going on. He also has a female friend who worked with him at his job and I had to trust him when he was around her. Texting wasn't as popular back then but all in all you still have to have trust in any relationship, that's why I asked the question just to get some different points of view. If your partner knows that you have a friend of the opposite sex who he has met, then it's okay just to keep in touch once in a while but not to flirt with each other. But I do want to tone down the flirting because if I do get into a relationship it will be hard to stop.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (7 January 2014):
You are not cheating! I would suspect that this guy is controlling.
You are not in a committed relationship with anyone. Even if you were just talking to someone doesn't mean your cheating.
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A
male
reader, woodlandpirate  +, writes (7 January 2014):
 Cheating for me starts way before the pyhsical act.
Even if the dating is casual for the moment, if there should be still a chance to make it commited to eachother, the dating has to be exclusive.
Focusing on more than one person is not a good Idea and it´s unfair....at least for me.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (7 January 2014):
 Talking to other men is not cheating when you haven't agreed to become exclusive, but I would tone it down with the flirting.
Being too familiar too soon will cause problems down the lin. It gives others a very poor impression of you and raises doubts about your sincerity. You probably wouldn't entirely trust a man you knew was flirting with several other women.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (7 January 2014):
 O K so you haven't committed to an exclusive relationship with either guy. Your texting mostly friend wants you to be exclusive. But, what is he offering in return? Half communication and clingyness. This is why you are hanging on to other options. I'm ignoring the question of whether or not it is cheating. The point is you are not committed to him. Most likely for a good reason. You have a choice. You can tell him you are not willing to commit to him that much, or you can wait for him to get upset and leave. Right now you are enjoying all of the attention so much that you are avoiding choosing. A more honest approach would be to start weeding out the less desirable ones.
FA
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 January 2014):
Cheating is defined by me as anything you can't won't or don't tell YOUR PARTNER... a guy you are casually dating is NOT your partner. you've told him you are not exclusive.
If he does not like it he can choose to not have any contact with you.
what you are currently describing is NOT cheating in my book
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A
female
reader, 2759ear  +, writes (7 January 2014):
It's cheating full stop, after all you with someone exclusively and yet still want to get your rocks offs texting, flirt with your man or walk away and don't play someone's heart, your man don't deserve it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2014): Maybe not right now, but of course that would be cheating if you were actually dating this guy. It's not fine just because you're not physically sleeping together, and I'm sure you actually know this.
I know someone who constantly texts with guys, including ex-boyfriends who are still in love with her, and hides this from the guy she's actually dating - she somehow justifies it to herself because she's never slept with them. It baffles me. If you need attention from more than one person, then you're not suited for a relationship and should not pretend to be committed.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (6 January 2014):
 If you are in an exclusive relationship talking/texting sexy with other men is not on, and if the reason for these other men talking/texting sexy is based on the way you look that suggests to me their motives are of a sexual nature and not friendship building.
You need to decide what you want. ..... on the one hand a guy who is interested in dating and getting to know you, on the other a LOT of guys who only want the superficial stuff. I don't see it as a hard choice.
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A
male
reader, M Proops  +, writes (6 January 2014):
If you're in a relationship and sending sexy texts to other guys then that is inappropriate and could be classed as cheating.I wouldn't like it either.How would you feel if he was sexy texting other females?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2014): to be honest if someone I am in a relationship with started sending flirty texts, or sexting someone you bet I'd consider that cheating. But you said you're only talking to this new guy, so you're not really in a relationship yet in which case I wouldn't consider it cheating, for instance if you sign up in a dating website you have some 10 dates, decide to keep in touch with 2 blokes, consider you're just getting to know them and not yet in a relationship I wouldn't really consider that cheating even if I was a bit flirty in the messages we exchange.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2014): It really doesnt matter what I or ANYONE elses opinion is. If he told you he considered talking with other men cheating, then that is how he feels and you can choose to respect it, and become exclusive, or or stop seeing him if you dont want to give up talking to other men. Best of luck! :)
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