A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi All; Wanted to hear some of your opinions hopefully!I'm really forcing myself to evaluate my relationship of 2.5 years. We've had a rocky one, that lead us to break up for 3 months around a year in. Since that; Our closeness and communication has become very good. Trust has taken a rocky road to repair, We work hard at any disputes or misunderstandings, ' irrational moments' fairly and apologetically. Which I think is really nice!I first was attracted to him because albeit a quietly confident guy, he is sensitive, and was a little different to the normal laddy guy I typically went for. He had lots of friends, which I liked, and mixed with girls and guys. As well as intelligence, ambition etc etcThese friends now having got to know various groups, have caused most of our problems unfortunately, turns out one group were wild childs at Uni/ just finishing; taking drugs and talk trashy yadi ya (he had taken drugs with them socially); his closest group of friends from his own uni hes been pals with for 10 years- i tried with them a lot, and none of them want to spend more than a minute conversing with me, im lucky if i have eye contact which makes me not want to spend time with him and them; only just recently he actually witnessed this happening, and was deeply shocked, despite me trying to explain to him for 2 years. (i would literally turn up to events kicking and screaming) but it wasnt only me they do it to, he'd just never noticed before. One girl he lived with, she and I didn't even chat then, i thought that would be my chance to 'break her in outside of the group' ! I found it very uncomfortable, she has since moved out. He said they are just a close knit group and they'll eventually include me more, and suggested we try with smaller group of us (for 2 years i protested, but always tried to be chatty and fun when i had to go along!!) - but he no longer gives me a hard time if i say i dont want to come. Hallelujah.His friends from his place of growing up are very nice. But he doesnt spend much time with them. hes now cut off the young group, barely sees the uni group - he says he is breaking out of their mould so to speak since he is changing quite a lot over the past year.And we only hang out of my mates mostly. which are mostly girls, and the lads, he gets very jealous of and makes me feel uncomfortable when I suggest a night out that include the lads, but we'll go anyway.Its just been very tiring, constantly battling friendship issues, which we may now have sorted. but hes not now the guy with all these fun friends, hes got 3 or 4 good friends and is a lot more 'tame', I guess in the beginning I though him to be mature and very friendly guy. But he never was that. He was immature and stuck hiding behind his security walls. But fair enough hes been through some 'growing up changes' we all grow at different paces. Now he wants to move in together, but he doesnt talk too much about long term goals, which i recently starting the ball rolling on marriage and children topics, his inital answers were along the lines of fun is over when children come along. we could have everthing we wanted if we didnt have them.he now talks more positively about it now i bring up i do want children, but im scared that i'm going to end up with a man who resents time and money spent on a family. and end up having mid life crisis' etc. I know these are unpredictable, but I'm worried he isn't mature enough yet, or by the time these things come along, which will be within 5 years!! He does not like change either. Im not forcing him to want kids either, im letting himself express his thoughts freely, he'll make positive jokes about us being parents acting 'responibly' infront of our children, but its coming across as though its a big joke, when I feel I need to know what he really wants and is ready to one day in the next 5 years take that ride with me.I'm just feeling scared at either staying or breaking up. I'm not sure I have good cases to stay or to leave. We have great times together and general outlooks on life match etc, understand eachothers ways.I hate that I'm always so confused on the topic, should I be feeling more confident about my relationship? Or does everyone else go through this questioning??
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ambition, drugs, immature, jealous, money, moved out, want children Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe +, writes (9 January 2014):
 Your more than welcome :) I am totally sure they do, I am one of them, I understand you feeling trapped, its something I feel (outside of relationships I am mildly claustrophobic), but I think sometimes what is an instinctive, gut feeling, can blind us to the bigger picture and that maybe what is happening here, good luck :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2014): thank you darrell goodliffe for your response. It is nice to hear a lot of people evaluate and question. I guess i worry that reading a lot around if you dont know by now, then leave type comments. And get ants in my pants about making my mind up faster based on this moment in time. I've already been through a previous 4 year relationship and in hindsight knew i probably spent 2 years too long in it. Just scared of spending a long time with someone, especially when it becomes nearer to times for marriage and children and living together. I'm sacred of feeling trapped.
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A
male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe +, writes (8 January 2014):
I think everybody constantly questions and evaluates things dear to their heart and so they should. With regard to the kids issue, some people use humour to deflect from their real emotions, usually its a nervous thing, I suspect he probably shares your apprehension that he is not up to the challenge.
However, I suspect you maybe being a wee bit too critical, you say he "does not like change" but have described in this post some major changes he's had to make and has successfully made. I think you need to have a bit more faith in this man, if your going to be so critical, all it will do is undermine his confidence. Why not try bigging him up a bit, being a booster for him?
Frankly, I think in regards to the challenges you name show a bit of confidence in him and he may well surprise you and indeed himself. You have come this far with him and I see no major reason why you should give up on it now, and indeed think it would be faintly cruel to do so. Yes its been a rocky road, but your still standing, doesnt that say something about him and this relationship? Good luck.
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