A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello to anyone who reads this.I have heard this is a good site for advice so here goes...Met someone and hit off big time. Always recieving texts and asking to meet them. Saw each other everyday and spent most nights at their house. Met friends and their siblings, and all got on great. Bought me choccies and flowers, cooked for me, everything. AT the start said i was out of their league and that they had nothing to give me but themselves.Always complimenting me on my looks , constantly.I come from a good background and upbringing and am successful. Their past is different, beaten as a child, left home very early and got into trouble with the police and drugs. Married young and did everything for their wife. Had successful business and lost it all years later by a con man. wife leaves for another man. one day gets a call from e to say she had short time to live. Kids end up living with him and so he has to give up work. One child is very hard to deal with and along with that he next partner leaves him also.Drinks alot and talks about past alot and little money they have.....lives day by day with finances etc.Speed up to recently. The anniversary of the childrens mothers birthday arrives and the house is obviously in negative place with this occasion. The man suddenly stops hugging (literally overnight) I leave and hear nothing for a day then get a message to say it not working and they end the realtionship.Meet the person to get things of mine I left at their house and tell them i will leave them alone but yet very confused by the sudden change. Give them a small letter to explain my feelings and what a wonderful person they are and i will be there as a friend should they want to. ????
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (19 September 2011):
Hmm the dating site thing is odd. Maybe he's trying to prove something to himself. Whatever you do, pay him no heed anymore. You did what you could, he turned his back on you and that's that. He will never be able to keep a girlfriend if he doesn't sort through his issues first anyway. The more I read the more I start thinking that this man didn't deserve your kindness. He certainly didn't return the favor. Let him stir in his puddle of problems.
Don't overthink things. Don't put the blame on yourself because HE is the one who is behaving strangely and inconsistently. A decent man would offer an explanation for his attitude. He hasn't. Therefore it cannot be your fault. Like I said, he has many problems and he may have realized he's not in the right state of mind for a real relationship right now. The dating site thing may be his way of trying to get into a no-strings-attached kind of arrangement with someone. Whatever his motives, they're not your concern anymore.
Let him go sweetie. Do not let him damage your self esteem. He's not worth that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, firstly thank you so much for your replys.I do wonder if it is something I did though. The only thing I can think of is 3 things. 1. Maybe trying to help so much. 2. He was not happy with the intimacy, or 3. Cos I fell asleep one night and did not go to bed with him.As I said it was a sudden change, even the day before the sudden change, there was all smiles and contact during the small time I was not with himI really dont know but I do know he is already on a dating site obviously looking for someone newNever had this in my life I must say though and have been told so much over the years I am good looking and intelligent. More so that I am the one that usually ends relationships
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (19 September 2011):
 I have been in this situation. While you made him very happy and the relationship seems to be working out, he hits a wall with the anniversary.
This past time of his life was very painful and he doesn't seem to be able to get past it. I am sure he doesn't want to "drag" you into his life because he is afraid he can not give you what he feels he should. Even though you may be thinking to yourself, he is giving you enough and even if you tell him he is, for him, the feeling is failure. He knows he needs to do better. He's not in a good place right now.
It is hard to explain this for you to understand because you are not feeling what he is. I hung around my situation for 4 years (still sort of hanging on because he keeps wanting to try it again-but it ALWAYS fails!) The best advice I can give you is to move on, cleanly. Give him his space and do not accept a relationship with him in the future unless he can give you what you deserve.
I do know how much you are hurting and I know you want to reassure him that he's giving enough but I will tell you that he is not. I am sorry. For your own sake, move on.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (18 September 2011):
 Hi,You are a nice person to be friends with people with so many problems? I get stress, depress, tired just reading your post. I feel bad for these people. I am sure they are good people, that unfortunately life was not too kind. I am confused, just like you. Wish had answer you, or help in anyways, but this one is really a mystery. Doesn't make sense, and you haven't done anything to make these people upset? Ok, you mentioned the mothers birthday, and it was a difficult time, sad vibe in the house, but has absolutely nothing to fo with you. You are so very kind, to even give them a note as leaving. I know its confusing, you want answers, wants to know what happened, if you did anything wrong to upset them? Why are they upset at you that cause to end the friendship? But, I guess you just have to accept with no fault of your own, and not having a clear explanation. I guess, even though you enjoyed their friendship, it's what it's. Don't waste time thinking about it, or trying to make sense. I am sure they have many deeper problems to deal. All I can say to you is that, you are a very nice person. I think you truly deserve better friends, that are more positive. Good luck
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (18 September 2011):
I think your man just realized that he isn't ready for a new relationship yet. The pain is all still too raw and maybe he doesn't like exposing his children to new partners when he isn't sure where he wants to take the relationship.
I think this man is going to have a lot of figuring out to do about what he wants and how he feels.
I think you did the best you could but that you should let them go. He made his decision and it wouldn't be fair to yourself to wait for him to come around or something of the sort. Move on . If he does contact you again you can always take it from there. For now it's a dead end.
So go live your own life again and be open when someone else tickles your fancy.
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A
female
reader, biamericana93 +, writes (18 September 2011):
 this person is obviously not over the past yet and if this person is an alcoholic it is probably best to wait because eventually the person will hit their rock bottom and realize that he or she has a problem and try to get help but until then no use trying to help someone that doesnt want to be helped. on the other hand he probably was scared that you might be like his exes and leave him he must still have that insecurity because of what has happened and his ex wife dies and leaves all the children with him, that is alot of stress to deal with and one of the children is hard to handle. this person probably feels overwhelmed by his/her situation and just needs time to learn how to handle it by him/her self. just give it some time but stay in touch with this person and let him/her know that you are there to help.
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