A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: a woman at my workplace similar age to me (35-40) may at times asks me what I think of my colleagues, she has only been working at my workplace a few months and I dont know her well and dont work everyday with her, but I do like working with her. I don't want to gossip! Im a quiet and non aggressive person who just wants to work in peace and not get into games or b*tching.. what should I say when she says "what do you think of ....." I just say "shes ok" and go on with my work. or she will try and get me to say something abut someone, ..shes a kind person and liked by most and good at her job, but I don't 100% trust her. Is that ok?,what else can I say without being rude.. I like this woman but I don't trust that she wont tell everyone what I said! it is hard to know what to say, that's why I reply with "shes OK"She's new and just wants to find out what I think as she has had a few issues with some of the younger colleagues not saying "hi" to her and being cliquey. I say hi to all and do my job, (even though they are often cliquey, we are there to work) and try not to let them get to me but she finds it hard at times. thanks
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (14 May 2014):
 I learnt a great deal in my first former employment about people gossiping, backstabbing, kissing arse and talking behind your back etc. So for me you are wise to keep it absolutely simple, congenial and non-committal.
Like you I am not the gossiping type, for me it wasn’t in my upbringing or in my nature; so when I came to hear my colleagues speak (gossip) in our lunch hour about this and that about our fellow Staff members, I put two and two together... They’d more than likely gossip, play games about me behind my back also! So at a very young age I learnt to keep my private life to myself, always confront the person you may have an issue with, rather them hearing it from others, and stand up for yourself if the Boss catches wind of any lies spread by these backstabbing bytches.
Although when I became a Senior staff member I had new staff to train and some would ask those natural inquisitive questions; what’s she/he like to work with/for? For me by that time I could speak freely about certain Staff members; who to watch out for, because I already confronted them years ago, and it was ‘no secret’ who these people were. Those that listened did not get severely burnt or joined the cliquey gossip group.
I commend you for not subscribing to the gossip treadmill etc. and using good sense and caution when speaking about others to this new woman; ditto “…we are there to work”. In time you will see her true persona, it’s also natural that you don’t trust her 100% at this stage, she’s an unknown quantity? But for now she is new, naturally curious and wants to do her best and fit in. Where she fits in and with who, should not affect your good ethics.
CAA
A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (14 May 2014):
 Here's a tale from my first day at work twenty years ago...A seemingly kind, pleasant woman befriended me and asked me what I thought of Vic, the manager. I made a non committal comment to the effect that he was "ok". She then smiled and said "you can be honest with me". So I added that I didn't know he that well yet and it was to soon to judge. A few days later she asked me if I thought he (Vic) could be a bit "funny". Again I reacted in a non committal way. After a while I said something to the effect that "yes he may be a bit funny at times, but I like him"...Half an hour later I was called to see Vic and to my surprise Vic, my manager, wanted to know why I had said he was "funny" and told me in future not to bad mouth him behind his back but to speak to him directly if I had a problem. I think your replies are fine. Perhaps there is a reason the younger staff do not speak to her? If you and others find the younger staff okay, but she doesn't then maybe they have spotted something you haven't. She is similar age to you and yet you don't seem to have any problems with the other staff. "what should I say when she says "what do you think of ....."" Maybe you should say "why do you ask?" see what her response is. If she says its because she has an issue with that person, ask her to speak to them about it and change the subject.Maybe she is jealous of you as your similar age yet get on well with so many people. She has yet to fit in and obviously doesn't get on with some people. This could be an attempt to compromise you to make herself feel better about her own situation. Maybe she sees you as a threat in that respect. Keep doing what your doing and you will be fine!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 May 2014):
 I agree with "she's ok" is a perfectly fine answer.
I also think if pushed you can say "it's not my style to talk about other people" and move on... no need to criticize the other person.. she's just trying to feel her way... not in a very smooth manner mind you.
sounds like you are handling it just fine.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 May 2014):
 I agree with my pals Cindy and Honeypie, you are responding to her just fine, keep it up, she will eventually stop trying to pump you for info on your co-workers.
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A
male
reader, RevMick +, writes (14 May 2014):
 Hi OP,
I would refrain from talking about colleagues in a work environment (heck even outside of work) for the simple reason, there is a lot of office politics that goes on in any work place.
Everyone wants to get the juicy gossip and store it as ammunition in case they need to get their own way.
You are handling it fine, but I would just try changing the subject when it comes up.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 May 2014):
 I think She is OK is a good enough answer. What you could ALSO say is, I like you as a person and that is why I'm letting you know that I don't gossip about other co-workers.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 May 2014):
 I think you are handling it well. " She is OK ".. " I don't know X that well ".. " so far, so good ".. and any other variations of something bland and non-committal. AND, change subject right away. Don't worry, it's not rude not having a specific opinion about somebody . Eventually your colleague will understand you don't know or won't say anything " juicier " and will get tired of tryng to make you gossip.
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