A
female
age
41-50,
*ilvermoon7272
writes:My husband and I have been married for a little over 5 years now and our marriage has had some problems. when we first got married my husband drank a lot and did drugs I knew how much he drank but he tried to hide his drug use from me but I always knew.... We were actually good the first year then out of the blue he began stealing money (I was the only one working and paying bills at the time) from me and taking off. At first he would be gone maybe half a day or so then it would be a whole night then that turned in to 3 or 4 days, he would never tell me he was leaving or where he was going or when he would be back but I became a pretty good investigator and could find him. Sometimes it got to be so bad he would disappear for days a few time a month. Some of the time I know he was with his ex and I'm pretty sure he cheated but he never admitted it he just said he partied with her and did drugs. This went on for about a year then he finally got a pretty good job working with tiles but he would never tell me how much his check was and would only give me a little to help with the bills. I liked his job at first, I thought it was good for him but then I found out the guy he worked with sold drugs and pretty much gave him a never ending supply, plus he was not being truthful as to when he got off work. I know his job had him working late sometimes but others times he just lied so he could hang out at his coworker's house and drink and do drugs... this went on for another year then we separated for a month. I was devastated and he had me believing I was the one with problems. During our separation he had a family emergency and his mother and him travelled out of town for about a week. During this time he slept for 3 days and got sober, during his sleeping he did not call his boss and lost his job which was probably for the best because it got him away for his coworker. Anyways I met him when he got back to town and we talked and he said he hadn't realized he was addicted till he left the area. He wanted to get back together and move out of the area 250 miles away to where his family needed help and we could start over. So we moved and at first nothing changed he was still drinking and he ran off once over night. Then I got him a job working with me and he was good at it and really liked his job he stopped drinking altogether and stopped the drugs. He was feeling good about himself, that lasted a little over a year and we were for the most part happy, we never fought, I mean we would have tiffs from time to time but nothing like we used to. Then we both together made a career change and went to school together to work in nursing. During our schooling we were both offered a job at a facility out of town (about 70 miles) so we moved again and we are still here, we both like our jobs and the town but we have been saving money to buy a house and move back close to where we originally lived. We have also been talking about starting a family. We have been here for about 6 months with no problems then tonight we left work like normal and came home, I was just going about what I do every night letting the dogs out, changing out of my scrubs and so on he told me he was taking out the trash so he went outside and never came back. I don't know where he is or who he is with! We really don't know anyone here. He also stole my debit card and I checked the bank and he has made two purchases at 2 different gas stations totalling more than 50 dollars. One of the purchases was in a town 16 miles away so I know someone was driving him because we have only one car and it's here with me... so anyways he took off at just after 10 tonight and it is now 5:30 in the morning and I have not heard anything from him. I called the bank and had my debit card cancelled so he couldn't spend anymore, I'm pretty sure he'll be will home in the morning but I don't know what I should do or say when he gets here.... so I guess that's my question - what should I do? The last two years have been good but I swore I would not put myself though this again and here I am so I'm not sure what to do. I love him and just can't understand how he can say he loves me and wants to buy a house and have a family then runs off like this but it really hurts me. I'm not sure if I should leave him or stay with him or try something else..... I'm open to all suggestions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2009): This person is not worth it, so do what you know you have ot do- your strong enough to do it. You can love him from a distance, but get involved with a God loving man.
you need love, respect, compassion, someone with no temper, and that is full of integretity.
Here is a little of what I have been going trough, and first chance I will take my life back. It is hard, but by making the first move and going forward will keep you out of "limbo" which is not good, because you are not moving backward, or forward.
These are some things I have jotted down as I have felt them.
Inconsistency,
Not being in the right place or mind. Not being in a normal situation that could help one grow. Being in a situation that tiers one down- belittles, and put one down like it is the other person that has done the wrong.
One that doesn’t quit has a normal brain or normal train of thought. One that rules in ignorance, and arrogances, and that does things that is out of character like lying and stealing from one that he is to love. One that has ruined every bit of love and respect that one can have for him.
One that is out of character in temperament- one that can’t see his own faults, but someone else’s, and one who is very judgmental on other people, but can’t clean up his own back yard. One who thinks he is better then other people, and thinks he can beat the system- one who has been in jail numerous times, and to rehab- riders to cottonwood, and all the AA and ARP there is. This person doesn’t want to quit, and puts the bottle over his family.
This person has the capability to make you fall in love with him, and then take every bit of that away plus more- he can make you hate and despise him. He has a hard time in life because the alcohol rules him- the bottle controls him to where he can not control it.
I think I have seen enough of that in the past 15 years and + , I am going to take my life back. I am no afraid or never have been afraid to be alone.
I am going to get my own place to where my children or allowed to come and visit.
Well, I have a lot more that I can vent, but I think I will do what I can and show to the Bishop the things that bother me on a daily basis.
I also have a year of history on this computer that I can bring up and show the things I had to endure on a daily basis.
I will bring that up and print them off on paper so I can submit them to the Bishop and my counselor. I will do what I have to do, to take my life back.
if he is steeling from you, that may never change. Sharon
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (26 October 2008):
 Hi there,
Well, I think it's time to take care of yourself. Take your dogs, and any other valuables you are afraid he will take, to your family and go to work. Then quickly move yourself out of this situation. If it is possible to box his things up and ask him to come and get the fish then do so. The sooner you get out of this situation and focus on yourself, the better off you will be.
He has taken all that he can from you and now you simply have no more to give and you really need to work on yourself. He will not go to counseling at this time. Maybe after a cooling off he will but not now.
I don't know what else I can tell you but except that when someone doesn't want to be with you you can not make them want to. I am sorry. Stay strong.
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A
female
reader, silvermoon7272 +, writes (25 October 2008):
silvermoon7272 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni want to get help im completely devastated its be 2 days now and i still haven't heard from him. i now know he is staying with a girl from work i don't know that anything is going on between them but she is hiding him from me because he doesn't have the guts to face me he even had her pick up his pay check today so that he wouldn't run in to me. his mother has also tried to get a hold of him and he hasn't called her either. from what i have heard from people we work with he left me because im mean to him but they don't understand im not being mean im just standing my ground so i don't get hurt they don't know the whole story but i now seem to be the bad guy at work. i don't know what will happen he wont even talk to me so im not really sure if he wants to move back to our apartment or move some where else when i leave or what to do with his stuff. he has fish and other aquarium pet that i really don't want to move with me but im not going to leave them to die either. we are both scheduled to work tomorrow but i don't know if he will be there or not and that also scares me because if i go to work and he doesn't he might break in and steal my stuff and my dogs i love the dogs and don't want him to take them. not really sure what to do. i wish he would go to marriage counseling we me to work things out if we can i really don't want to get divorced.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (25 October 2008):
Hey there,
I am sorry you are going through this misery. I understand that you want to move to where you can be around people who can help you. That is good. I think that will be a wonderful thing for you.
Regarding giving him the option of going with you. I would caution you on that. Remember that this man has left you in the lurch for 24 hours. You do not know where he is and what he is doing or who he is with. You need to get away from him for at least enough time to think about what you deserve. If he comes along he will only prevent you from thinking clearly.
I'm not saying you should leave him but I for sure think you need to do some serious soul searching about what has been going on. You absolutely need to start respecting yourself as does he. The first step to that is sticking up for yourself. Say this to yourself and mean it..."I do not deserve to be treated like this." Because my dear, you do not deserve this.
I realize your husband has an addiction but you have been a co-dependent and it has taken it's toll on you.
Please, please consider getting some help and be absolutely good to yourself.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, silvermoon7272 +, writes (24 October 2008):
silvermoon7272 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionso its after 6 now so in a few hours he will have been gone 24 hours and you know im tired of it im going to move back home where my family is at the end of next week.... if i see him im going to tell him im moving and he can come with or stay im not going to wait around and worry about him anymore
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (24 October 2008):
Honestly, your self esteem is only going to get worse and worse as he continues to treat you like a doormat. He certainly has contributed to where it is right now. I think you could only get better if you were alone. At least you could spend some time being kind and good to yourself and that alone would help you rebuild (instead of tear down) your self esteem.
Being with someone who treats you bad is always worse than being alone.
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A
female
reader, Serenity1 +, writes (23 October 2008):
 I'm don't want to be alone either but you know what I rather be alone that tolerate what I've been settling for. And I think thats something you need to think about. Also you have no kids there are plenty of men that would love to start a relationship with a woman with no kids.
And honey don't take this the wrong way but if he is addicted to drugs he may have a low sperm count and may not be able to get you pregnant anyway.
Move on while you still can.
TF
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A
female
reader, silvermoon7272 +, writes (23 October 2008):
silvermoon7272 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni know something should be done... i guess i was just hoping he grew up finally when we got married i was 21 and he was 26 we were both immature now he is just shy of 32 the last 2 years have just been so normal i guess i though he was done with all his party days....i know iv changed alot in the last few years though and i dont think i can sit up all night worrying and waiting for him anymore...but im kinda afraid to leave because with everything iv been though my self esteem is not as good as it should be and im afraid to be alone
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (23 October 2008):
He's had chance after chance after chance... and he's not just getting drunk here, he is stealing your card and running away to do god knows what with god knows who.
I think you have to draw the line somewhere and when he disappears get the locks changed on your house.
Tell him to disappear and leave you alone because he is no way making your life better by doing this to you. Thank goodness he showed he is incapable of change before you got pregnant.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, Beery +, writes (23 October 2008):
 How far does this guy have to go before you do what needs to be done and dump this loser? The last thing you need is to start a family with a guy who walks out on you the second he has a weak moment. If he's like this when it's just the two of you, a house and a baby will only make things worse.
Go and find a guy who is steady - there are plenty of them about. This guy you're wasting time with now will only disappoint you more as the years go by. If you stay with this immature guy, in the end you'll find yourself middle-aged looking back on a long one-sided relationship with a guy who doesn't respect you.
Get out!
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A
female
reader, Serenity1 +, writes (23 October 2008):
Sweetheart you sound like a good girl. I know you love this guy but he has to make up his mind whether he want to party or be a family. First of all I think you might want to reconsider having children with him if he's the type that disappears. Obviously it doesn't matter where you are, in his heart if he wants to be somewhere else then that's what he's going to do. Regardless if it's for the alcohol, drugs, or another woman. He may just need some air sometime. It seems to me that he's not being honest with you and waiting until he's about to explode and that's what leads him to just sparaticly disappear. Maybe if he felt comfortable telling you he was going to drink/drug he wouldn't feel like he had to disappear.
The overall decision is up to you. Best Hopes
TF
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (23 October 2008):
I am sorry that you are in this situation. From my perspective sitting on the outside, you have certainly given him every opportunity to change and do right by you. You have been patient and strong for him and while he has shown you he can be a good husband he has also shown you he can easily slip back. At this time, he is in no position to be a husband or father. Someone who leaves to take the garbage out and then is gone overnight and with your credit card is not trustworthy.
I don't like the pattern of the way he has treated you either. When he wasn't working and was living off your income and when he was working but not sharing his income with you he was taking advantage of you.
His actions don't say he cares about you but someone with an addiction doesn't always have actions that represent how they feel. So I can't say how he really feels about you if he is "in love" or if you represent security for him.
If I were in your shoes I think I would tell him to leave and resolve his addiction issues. For some reason the relationship he has with you, you have become an enabler for him. This is not your fault. You also may want to attend some counseling as they could give you some help on how to treat him. If he doesn't get help and if he can not stay clean, they you need to protect yourself and move on. In his current situation, he is not a man who is ready to be a father. There are agencies like Alonon where you can get more information.
Take care and all the best.
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