A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a healthy man in my mid-thirties and in a relationship with a wonderful woman for many years (not married).Years back she developed a health condition that got worse and worse, which is unfortunately not well understood and doctors don't know if it can be cured.This condition has made it impossible to have regular intercourse for several years already. We do share other forms of sexual intimacy, but not nearly as frequently as we used to and what I would enjoy. It is a source of great frustration and we have discussed this various times. The condition also affects daily life, as we can't do most of the other activities that couples can do such as traveling.What would you recommend to do? I can't imagine to not have intercourse the rest of my life or years to come. But at the same time I do love her and do not want to leave her and let her fight for herself, which would be very difficult for her to do. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2009): Thanks for the various answers.
In response to the question of what would I do if I were in her position:
this is a question that nobody really knows unless one is in that situation. Answering in theory might be different from when it does happen.
I would think that if I had a problem that would not allow me to please her sexually (and toys wouldn't be sufficient for her), that I would tell her that it is OK to find someone just for pleasure. Of course it would probably be very tough to accept (especially for men, who probably put even more "value" in being able to perform) and the fear would be "what happens if she falls in love with that guy?".
But at the same time I would hope that the bond is strong enough that this wouldn't happen.
Also regarding the comment to empathise: I truly hope that I did enough on that subject. It's been many years know and it's "funny" to see that if people who know our situation are questioning why I'm still sticking with her and the relationship (even with so much of the "normal" life not being possible anymore, it's not just the intercourse as I've mentioned, it's also traveling or just going out that is not possible. Having kids is also questionable.), it's more often women that are wondering why I'm not leaving..
A
female
reader, L*  +, writes (23 August 2009):
If you really love this woman, don't hurt her by trying to get another person in the picture. It's difficult not to imagine yourself being sexually fulfilled through intercourse for the rest of your life but like you said there are plenty of other ways to fulfil your sexual needs/intimacy with her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2009): If the condition gets worse than it currently is now then you must consider the possibility that your sex life will become even more frustrated. Have you spoken to her perhaps about having an open relationship? If you explain your feelings and that men have needs too, perhaps she will understand. It depends on her views on the subject I suppose. Just tread carefully if you do ask her, as it might set off a nerve.
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A
male
reader, Sphronas +, writes (23 August 2009):
 This calls for an open and honest discussion between the two of you. Tell her what you told us -- you love her and you want to be with her, but you do not feel you can give up intercourse for the rest of your life. Clearly, there will be no easy solution to this, and you may both have to make difficult compromises. You may have to accept that your sexual needs cannot be fulfilled with the woman you love and so you may have to find other women to fulfill your sexual needs. She may have to accept that there will be other women. But whatever you do, my advice is to be completely open and honest about this. If the two of you really love each other, you will find a solution that you can both live with.
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