A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Okay, here it goes.I live with my fiancé and we each have our own computers and cell phones and don't share our passwords and have a level of privacy.He told me when we got serious that he didn't want me to have contact with my ex-boyfriends which was fine with me because I never intended to in the first place.I wanted to honor our relationship.But, this last ex-girlfriend he had, did a number on him. He was totally in love with her. She is beautiful by the way, so I get why he was so head over heels in love with her. I'm more plain looking, but I really try to look good for him. When we got together after she broke up with him which was too soon I feel after they broke up (a 9 month relationship between them) he called me her name a lot. Was I a rebound girl? Maybe. We worked past that. We've been together 4 years.Today I was out of some sticky notes and I went into his tray on his desk and it is a mess inside his tray drawer and there on top was an index card and it had written on it SM-No=1/4/2012. SM is her initials. I have seen her initials before so I know they were hers. So, I checked my calendar and sure enough he had a meeting at the place where she works on 1/6/2012. Maybe he wanted to meet up with her for lunch or maybe more than that. She was not involved in this meeting at all. I knew who attended. I realize this was two years ago, BUT that shows me he has been in contact with her and that "she is on his mind." They work in the same industry but he does have meetings where she works from time to time. It makes me wonder just how much contact he has had with her.Don't focus on the fact that this was 2 years ago, because he has to go to meetings there as part of his job which he has done in the past 2 years.Shouldn't he be up front and tell me he is in contact with her. He had told me she was history in the beginning of our relationship but I was uneasy about it all.As I type, I am starting to get angry. It's just not right. It's do as I say, not as I do.So, I will always wonder every time he has a meeting at her workplace or has to run errands without me on a Saturday or Sunday--the city is an hour away, if he is meeting up with her.It makes me want to call her and find out.I guess if you wait long enough, things do surface, is what I am finding out now.I got a sick pit in my stomach and I am feeling physically ill from all of this.Now I am finding him untrustworthy because this is a sneaky thing to do behind my back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2014): He is probably lying about seeing her based on what you found, or about wanting to and he is sneaky and a total hypocrit since he told you not to contact your x bf. Feelings for exes, contrary to what many may want to believe, don't just go away because you stop contact unless they were totally dead before the relationship ended.
I just wonder why him calling you her name was ok with you? I would have ended it as soon as someone did that most likely. I would be more direct about it and confront him but he could just lie which he has probably done already from what you've said. You have to trust your gut instinct on this. Don't set plans for a wedding until you know what the real situation is.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2014): As tempting as it sounds, I would not advise calling his ex-girlfriend. She could tell him you called her or make up all sorts of lies and stories to break you both up.You connected the dots on this one. I am assuming he called his ex-girlfriend on 1/4 to let her know that he would be at a meeting on 1/6 at her workplace and he probably asked her if they could have coffee or go to lunch together. Then from what I gather she said No (smart girl if she did this) from what he had written on the note.Now, my take on this is it has been two years since that note, and I am assuming he has to go to her workplace for other meetings since they both work in the same industry as you have said. It looks like going to her workplace cannot be avoided, but she can be avoided if he "really" wanted to.I must be old fashioned. An ex is an ex and why keep them in your life if you are in a current relationship with the very real danger of damaging the relationship you are in. That is just playing with fire and if he was so in love with her they could very well end up back in bed together. To me, it shows no respect towards you and is favoring the ex. Also, it is an ego stroke for these types of guys to talk to an ex.My advice at this point is to really dig into this without him knowing.Get your calendar out for the past two years and look when he went to her workplace. It sounds like he tells you where he will be. THEN if you access, try and locate receipts to where he may have been that day, be it a coffee shop or a restaurant. Did they have a favorite restaurant when they dated? Most couples do. Look at the paper trail. A paper trail never lies.At this point, I know full well that a lot of women would break into his computer or his cell phone and look at his e-mails or texts or phone calls. I don't think you are one of those types.The thought of hiring a private detective crossed my mind if you can afford it.What I don't like, and I am upset as well, is that he is being sneaky and going behind your back about this. If he told you no contact with boyfriends, then why is it okay for him to contact her, with the full risk of losing you. Obviously, she must mean more to him then you if he willing to go to such lengths.If I caught a guy doing this to me, I would be gone so fast.Like I said, I am old fashioned and ex is an ex for a reason. If a man wants an ex in his life it is because he wants more than conversation. They think with the other head.This shows a total lack of respect towards you. It is underhanded and sneaky.If you ask him, he will just lie to cover his tracks and be even more careful. Don't let him know what you know.I know it must hurt. Take a step back, breath, be calm and do your homework to get to the bottom of it. Then you can decide what course of action to take and what will be best for your future.
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A
male
reader, methuselah  +, writes (5 June 2014):
Hi,
I totally agree with what you did. You needed the sticky notes etc and searched for some. When I run out of stamps I search my wife's stationery boxes.
I am suspicious of your fiance and I believe you are correct to have a doubt here. I believe you need to sit this out for the moment, but be suspicious. Play it cool and don't mention anything at the moment. Just wait and see what else happens.
If you are planning on getting married, then this is not a good start for you. So, you really need to be at peace with this situation before you get married. I'm not sure what you can do if nothing comes up and you are still concerned. However, being angry, suspicious, doubtful, sad etc is no basis for the long term. So, be on the alert, see if there is anything in all this. I don't know if it is possible, but is there any way you could get information about his workplace? Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (5 June 2014):
I'm sorry but there is no evidence that SM is her. It says 01/04 but the meeting was 01/06? Plus I have thought things like that before and found out it was a garage appointment. You have taken two letters and from that created a whole story. And become angry. When in fact you don't have a shred of real evidence that he has betrayed you.
Somehow you need his reassurance, but if you are angry it will sound like accusations.
My advice is to accept that you may be completely wrong. When you are calm speak to him of your worries any get some reassurance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2014): I don't agree with all the answers here and the finger wagging and accusations that you snooped. I find it upsetting and unsettling that you are getting plummeted in this regard.I expected as such, those types of responses after reading your post and others jumping to conclusions that you have ulterior motives. People are too quick to judge. I would be upset as well.If we run out of things we borrow our significant others if they have them available. I have done the same, whether it be staples, pencils and yes sticky notes and my SO has done the same if he runs out.Know that I believe what you are saying and that you did not snoop and that you ran out of office supplies. It happens. Women do come across things accidently and sadly that is when they find that maybe their SO may be up to no good.It does not sound, like other women have done, that you are deliberately breaking into his computer or cell phone or looking at the phone bill. You are trying to honor and have trust in this relationship and you found this note "accidently." I believe that.I do agree with anonymous observations. It is if your suspicions have become reality then I would be worried. Actually, I am tending to lean that way, sorry to say.These are my questions: What are her initials doing on that note. They are there for a reason! Has he met up with ex-girlfriends in the past. She does work where he has his meetings so the opportunity is there to have contact. I would be worried too. I get where you are coming from. How do I get that? Because I have been there myself.Speaking from experience, I had an ex-boyfriend, who I was serious about, that was meeting up with ex-girlfriends for lunch or coffee. He couldn't let go of his past and concentrate on what he had. I was increasingly being shut out. He never told me or was upfront about these meetings. If only he had been honest with me instead of going behind my back. That showed me his true character. It was more important for him and for his ego to be stroked to have contact with these ex's then to put time into our relationship. Hence, he became an ex.How did I know about these meetings you may ask? Well, they were on his cell phone calendar. He left his cell phone calendar up, "accidently." So, yes, I saw it on the kitchen counter.Remember that things like this happen for reason. The universe comes together to help you become more aware.Now I have a wonderful SO that is honest and whom I trust. He would never contact an ex-girlfriend out of RESPECT for me. Remember that. It all comes down to respect.I agree, if he is trying to meet up with her, he should be honest with you about it and not sneaking around. Sounds like he would be the one initiating contact. That doesn't bode well with me. He said she is history. I doubt that now too if she met that much to him.Be on the alert. I understand the hurt. You trusted him and now he may be breaking that trust.Age is not a factor in this. Feelings are feelings. We can't help how we feel.But, yes, if he is trying to meet up with her, then he has been in contact with her as well, violating his own rules he gave to you to not have contact with any ex-boyfriends. That is not right.Personally, I couldn't live with that cloud of suspicion wondering what he is up to all the time. I have been in your shoes so I understand.Good luck, hon.Remember, do what is best for you. Your "peace of mind" is the most important thing you can give yourself.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (5 June 2014):
You feel bad when this is behind your back, why don’t you bring it to your front? Are you afraid of hearing the truth? Even if it’s the truth you do not want to hear? You are planning on marrying the man, so when do you want to find out the truth, before or after marriage?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2014): I "did not" snoop and I was out of sticky notes! I am being truthful!! To outright accuse me of snooping is ridiculous. Thanks a lot aunts and uncles. I did not realize I was in a courtroom where you are the jury. I came here for help.
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A
female
reader, demeplev +, writes (5 June 2014):
 Omg...I agree with wise owl ... How did you stretch this supposed sticky note frm 2 yrs ago into cheating and how convienient to run out of sticky notes..either u have a gut suspicion that caused u to snoop or u are not trusting. U do sound jealous tho with saying she's pretty and maybe u r a rebound... U need to do some soul searching here what's going on in ur head why are u so untrusting y r u so jealous what's lacking in ur relationship? And ps I don't agree with severing relationships just because they're exes they're ex's for a reason at our age group u should be past this craziness unless something is going on or ur relationship isn't that strong n ur having doubts sounds like ur relationship is not meeting ur requirements but don't accuse him of cheating..there is no basis for this by what You havebstated thus far sorry for lack of punctuation n grammar not feeling well but needed to respond ...good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2014): To some extent you must have had suspicions for a while. It's a natural tendency to want to dig but a tortuous experience. At this stage and with little information to go on, it's hard to say. As a woman, I would continue to observe but not obsess. It can only bring you down. If your suspicions become reality, then it will become time to reevaluate this relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2014): Snooping stirs up a lot of trouble. Nosy-rosies that do this put two and two together and get twenty-two; playing girlfriend-detective.
You just so happened to be looking for a sticky note doesn't fly with me. You created a lame reason to explain why you went through his things to break the privacy agreement.
You're suspicion is out of jealousy of his ex's good-looks. For some reason, some women just can't resist snooping around on their mates. In your case, you are decoding scribbles that could mean absolutely nothing.
Go ahead and confront him about it. My guess is, he will think you're out of your mind. Certainly jealous of his ex, and totally insecure.
I don't expect to get a lot of support of my answer from most females who read your post. Men are are always suspect to cheating on females. Your evidence borders on ridiculous.
You consider yourself plain compared to her, so you have to cater to your insecurities somehow. Never mind how you've been treated over the last four years.
How could it be possible that he could care about you after being with you for so long? He had to be in-touch with her the hold time.
Seriously?!!!
My suggestion. Have better evidence prepared before you accuse someone of cheating. That's a serious charge, and you snooped to find it. So now you're more insecure than ever. Best way I know to make her memory a lot sweeter than the present. Just a guy's point of view.
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