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anonymous
writes: I have been working with this guy for nearly 3 years already. I've always had a crush on him but the first time we met, he was in the process of a divorce (he's 28 and I'm 24 at present) and he was my boss at that time. I also had my own problems in the love arena so I didn't really pursue this crush. I figured it was just a harmless one, something that'll get me through the day since we both work very closely in a cramped office and our job is very demanding. Lately, my crush has been developing into something more. I've been having inappropriate dreams and thoughts about this person in and out of work. I realized this was out of control when I was in tears about an incident at the job recently and while he was comforting me, I just wanted him close to me and to not leave. This is very frustrating because 1) He has a serious girlfriend now, who is a wonderful girl whom i like very much but when she calls him i get jealous (so not in my character); 2) My job requires full concentration and I cannot keep having these distractions (i.e. him) around; and 3) I think I may be exhibiting obvious signs- i'm not flirting but i'm talking to him more than usual and looking at him all the time. Please help me. How do I rid myself of this annoying and inappropriate crush? I have tried arriving late and leaving early, going on breaks alone, not talking to him too much and failing (this one is hard since we tell each other almost everything, a result of spending too many hours in the office for 3 years); etc. I certainly will appreciate any input. Thanks.
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crush, divorce, flirt, jealous, my boss Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): i have a crush on my boss, i`ve been working at this private company for 3 weeks now, he is married and has 2 kids, i touch myself thinking about him making me pregnant till i feel good. my husband sleeps on the couch, has not had sex with me for a year, i am so happy about this crush i could tell my boss about it, hoping he decides he feels the same way and we can sex soon. i am just sick!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2007): I have a crush on my boss too..I think about him all the time...It drives me crazy. We're both married and have kids..and he's my boss...I'd never act on this..But I want to. I want him. I just know that it'd be so bad. It'd never work. But it's driving me nuts..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2007): i have the same problem my boss keeps eye contacting me all the time i think hes fallen for me and he is married with two kids what should i do
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male
reader, Kwiringira  +, writes (25 November 2006):
 Hey, since the man has a wonderful girl that you yourself realise it. The man might never have Lots of love for you. Better concentrate on otherthings to keep yourself busy than a man settled in a relationship. you are only huting your own feelings and no one else's. work for your happiness.
Regards
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2005): I have a crush on my boss, too. But crushes are biochemical; they wear off after a year or so. I'm just going to wait mine out and try to act professionally.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2005): I am having some serious issues. I still carry an innocent crush, that is pretty horrible. However, everyone who has met him has agreed he's pretty irresistable. When I think of him I get a huge smile, but after not seeing him for a while I think I am over him. I run into him every so often around town and the feelings rush back at once. I just wish I could be over him, or he didn't look so damn good!
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reader, communicatrix +, writes (25 June 2005):
 Three years? Baby, that's not a crush—that's a full-blown obsession!
On the bright side, you seem to have a pretty clear-headed view of things, understanding that your crush is inappropriate for a variety of reasons. And yet, in the face of all that understanding, you persist. Why?
No, seriously—I think that's the key. You need to start really asking yourself "why"? You seem to have done a little exploration, but stopped short of unearthing the big, scary answer to your question. Because I believe—and I believe you believe it, too, or a smart girl like you would have found the answer by now—some part of you is being served by keeping things vague and hanging on to this "harmless" crush that has morphed into something annoying (and is rapidly moving into something that's actually dangerous).
So really, why? You mention that you'd had your 'own problems in the love arena' (and at 21, I'd be surprised if you hadn't); what were those? Have you resolved them or have you just gotten better at ignoring them?
I don't know the answer, and you might not either right now. But the answer definitely lies in you, and not some external tricks that minimize contact between the two of you. It sounds like you're already doing what you can to stay away, and your automatic response is to concoct other ways of maintaining the attachment. My guess is that even if you remove yourself completely from the situation—say, by moving and/or getting a new job—the real problem that's lying unsolved inside will just rear its ugly head in some other way. Because you know the problem is not *this* guy; if he weren't around, it'd be someone or something else that you could attach yourself to throw the focus off of yourself.
Maybe you'll discover it's something simple, like an intense dislike of your job that you've been subverting. Or maybe you'll find it's some feeling of not being enough or not deserving love or any one of the other million-billion silly but real thoughts that get embedded in our psyches along the way.
But you've got to examine it—the root of it, not the superficial workarounds—and you've got to do it before someone gets hurt. You might want to consider getting some outside help with this if you're really confused. No shame in that, and I think therapy works really well for specific, short-term, goal-type stuff.
Be strong, stay smart and work fast. Continue to minimize contact, and do what you can to politely minimize it further. Maybe you have to talk to this guy because you're in close quarters and have established precedent, but you certainly can stop telling him everything or even "almost" everything. You've definitely created a situation where at least you are feeling emotional intimacy, and that's got to stop, at least until you get this under control.
It will be difficult, especially since you can't remove him or yourself from the environment. Then again, if you had to quit smoking, you'd still have some exposure to cigarettes. If you had to go on a strict medical diet, you'd still be around all kinds of tempting food.
Keep your focus on getting YOU better, on discovering the truth within yourself and on the future, and the crush will wither and die of its own accord.
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reader, Kelbee +, writes (25 June 2005):
I don't have any real answers all I can offer is complete empathy. However, I am on the other side to you. I have had feeling develop with a workpartner for the past 1 and 1/2 years. However I have the boyfriend he is the single one. I don't think avoiding him will help. I'd say confront him or test his intentions out and if he reacts badly then no harm done, you know where he stands and you find someone else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2005): How do I rid myself of an innappropriate crush? Just go for it? In the end, he was probably not worth all the hype!
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