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anonymous
writes: I'm not sure whether my boyfriend wants me around or not.We live together and I love him very much.He works hard and I recognise he needs space sometimes as he suffers from stress. He has a temper which can just erupt; if he thinks I'm not listening to him or if perhaps I say something which he may not like.When he is angry, he will give me my marching orders, tell me to go. I do get emotional. Luckily, this doesn't happen very much, happens less now but it always worries me. I turn over in my mind the things that he says for a long time afterwards.Other times he can be caring and considerate. What do you think?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2005): I too was in a verbally abusive marriage of 10 years. I have to agree with the other answer. You both are teaching each other how to treat each other. You are tolerating the behavior so he continues the behavior. You need to stand up to him and tell him how you feel before it is too late. If he truly loves you, he will try to work on how he treats you. He has to recognize the problem and want to change though. I learned in my marriage to fix things so that the verbal abuse would be less and less, until I couldn't fix anymore. Don't make the same mistake I did. Good Luck.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (26 June 2005):
 I think you need to ask yourself why you'd want to build your house on the slopes of an active volcano.
Sure, he can be "caring" the rest of the time - volcanoes can just sort of sit and rumble most of the time too - but why does he have to take his temper out on you at all? Why can't he deal with his stresses like a mature adult? What makes you his personal punching bag and why do you allow him to continue behaving like an appalling-spoilt child with the rage of a full-grown man?
You do realise that this is just the figurative tip of the iceberg, right? That once he feels you'll put up with being ordered out of your own house, things will build from there?
I'm speaking from longtime experience, hon. I was married for 7 years to a man who did exactly what you describe. Hey, most of the time he was fine! It was just what I called his "black periods" that bothered me. It only happened now and then. You know the ones... where he starts out yelling because he had trouble at work and ends up six hours later, kneeling on your chest, throttling you, hitting you and calling you a slut in front of the neighbours, as the police cars roll up? Yeah, those...
Fun times. Not.
You seriously need to get away from anyone who doesn't treat you with a modicum of dignity. Relationships require care and respect to survive... not blind love! Not if "love" consists of doing whatever it takes to keep him, up to and including abuse. That's what he's doing, you know. It's verbal abuse and it can very easily spill over into the physical. Will you tolerate that?
For the sake of your self-professed love for your "Vesuvius" of a boyfriend, give him another chance to redeem himself. Tell him that you will in future not allow him to treat you like a hated roommate. He may not order you from your own house. He may not shout at you or threaten you for things that are not your fault. Make sure he knows that if he does, the result will be you will leave him. Be sure you're ready to follow through on the announcement, because I think you'll want to.
Speaking as someone who knows how abusers think, I predict that this announcement will make him want to maintain a tighter grip on you, so he'll get all crazy and will threaten you - possibly hurt you - so have a friend standing with you. Be prepared to call the police if he gets violent.
Do you see where I'm going with this? There's no middle ground. YOU can't make him change and HE doesn't want to change. So your choices are: leave him and move on with your life, or stay with him and get used to wearing a lot of padding.
Sorry hon. I speak the truth.
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