A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a situation that which I know I should run for the hills and be done with this relationship but I am struggling. My boyfriend and I met 3 years ago during a LDR. We met up half way every 2-3 weeks and eventually he met my kids and would come to my house and visit there with us for a few days at a time and then go home. Fast forward, I ended up pregnant (with birth control) and he has since moved to my state which is 3 hours away from his home state and he goes back home one weekend a month to work at his old job so that he can keep his per diem position since we go and visit once a month anyway. My issue is that he has never told his family about my other children and when we go visit we only take the baby and I have to leave the others with their grandparents. Of course I never told them why because it would hurt their feelings and not to mention it kills me and eats at me every time I think about it. I mean how disrespectful to my kids to not acknowledge them. I feel that if he didn't want his family to know he should not have dated me. Also, for the record, my ex husband left me for someone else so it wasn't as if I just left my husband with my kids and asked to be a single parent. Anyway...So now that he's moved here, he's meeting people at work and that's great! He needs friends but he never offers for all of us to go out and have dinner or a drink sometimes and then I find out that where he works, he has told NO ONE that we have a baby or that he even has a girlfriend. So the other day some strange person made a comment on my facebook and I looked this person up and it was a female that he worked with in his home state. Basically they were looking me up somehow and then a few days later she texted him "I miss you" he said they are just great buddies which is fine but I don't know...I just feel like something isn't right and I can not pin point it. So now, hes buying a house here in his name only which is technically the smart thing to do since were not married but I feel apprehensive about it. Like, once I move in with him he can just ask me to leave. I just can not understand his intentions. He took me to the furniture store and had me pick out all the furniture for the new house. But what good is a house if you have NO life outside that house together. He doesn't seem to like my friends but keeps me a secret from all his. Maybe love is blind. Can someone tell me what the elephant in the room is here? I keep making excuses and try to rationalize whats going on but deep in my heart I think I really know..
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 May 2014):
 The elephant in the room is that he has not truly embraced you as his partner nor your children as his quasi-step children.
Until you demand to be treated properly he will continue to be the way he is and keep you his dirty little secret.
I'd not only NOT buy a house with him, I'd stop acting as a surrogate girlfriend. I would let this man know that until he can manage to integrate you and ALL YOUR CHILDREN into his entire life (work home, extended family etc) you would rather have no contact with him.
Then I would see a lawyer, get a paternity test, get court ordered child support and visitation and go from there.
Sounds to me like you are going to end up co-parenting this child as separate households anyway, might as well protect what you need to protect. And don't worry...even if you two break up and he never tells his family about your older kids, the baby will learn to talk and will spill the beans.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2014): He isn't honest. He keeps you and your child together a secret from his work and other new friends and he keeps your other children a secret from his parents/family?
Why have you accepted all of this?
You need to talk to him about all of this asap and make it clear you will not be a secret and neither will your children.
Don't move in with him and make you and your children dependent on him. If you have your own home keep it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2014): I don't mean to be rude but what he is doing to your children is something you could consider yourself an accomplice of. Children are smart and they will figure it out on their own. It may affect them for the rest of their lives. Is this something you want to do to them? The red flags are there and believe me, I can understand how the inner struggle you're enduring is taking it's toll. Confront him. Get things in order and let the truth come out or get rid of him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2014): Confront him about the situation be very straightforward remember communication is the key, and if you dont address ur issues and pile it all up it is eventually going to effect ur health and your life, as the kids will grow up u will lose their trust and respect as well...time to take things in ur control...ask him what is this all about and when he will start treating u like a human being.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2014): You guys are absolutely right. I should ask him these questions and I have but it seems to start an argument. When we were just dating and I met his family for the first time I could clearly tell they didn't know I had kids. I let it be and talked to him about it later and he said when the time was right he would tell them. (they are Asian btw and I am not) The pregnancy was a total shock and I had no intentions of that happening but it is what it is....he keeps saying we need to tell them but I don't feel its my job. I want to say something so bad about them when I see them but I know the shock of it will cause a lot of issues. I told him I was not going up to visit him with our son anymore until he told them. Its not fair to my other kids and I feel like I am betraying them by letting this go on. The thing that drives me utterly insane is that when I talk to him he gives me this talk about how he just wants great things for us. Yeah, I guess I just needed others opinions on the matter. Sometimes I think we just don't want to see the writing on the wall.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (27 May 2014):
 Wow! So many red flags. Yes something is amiss. He's not being completely honest with you or with anyone else. The question is what is he hiding? A double life? If I were in your shoes, I'd hire a Private Investigator or do some PI work myself. I also think you need to start becoming more assertive. Figure out what you want from him and demand it. Don't be a doormat.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2014): I guess he decided not to tell his parents about your children because he thought they might not like it and think less of hiim for being with a woman that had a past. I know that is ridiculous but some people think like this still. I also understand why you don't mention your other children to his family as you don't want to rock the boat and spoil things but it must be very difficult and upsetting for you having to live this lie. I can only assume he really just wants it to be the two of you and your baby and doesn't really like the fact that you have other children. He seems very intent in running two separate lives and it does not appear that you are going to be involved in his work life and friends at all. Reading your post I think he is very undecided about what he really wants to do and finds it hard being with a woman who has children that are not his. My first husband had two children from a previous relationship and I could not accept them at all. They were nice children but I just didn't really want anything to do with them, I just wanted it to be me and him. Eventually I had to come clean and let him go as it was not fair on anyone and I could not live with his kids. It ended very nastily. I think that because he sort of hides you and denies your children that you need to be very careful here and prepare for a possible life without him. He does not seem that keen to me, as if he is keeping his options open, Facebook girl seems to lead me to that comment. I would prepare yourself for the possibility of being on your own with three kids.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 May 2014):
 Yeah, that's a bit strange, how come you never mentioned having other kids to his family members, how come it never came up in conversation ?... It would have been pretty natural , I guess ." Oh Baby sleeps all through the night like an angel, eh nothing to do with his siblings, THOSE used to drive me nuts ... " type of conversation. Did your bf tell you never to mention your kids ? did he FORBID you to mention them... ?
Anyway it sounds to me that he sees you as a temporary love. Everything fine and dandy for the time being, but.. eventually you'll part ways, so it's simpler and easier not to make too much of a fuss about you and your kids, and not advertise your presence on the scene too much, since it's not going to last .
Sorry, I know it sounds harsh, but I can't really think of another reason why you should be such a non - entity for his friends and coworkers ( to his family, he HAD to explain who you are , because you are the mother of his baby ).
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 May 2014):
 To me it seems like he lives with one foot out the door.
I have to ask WHY you have never told his family about your other children. Why not mention them? Or ask HIM why they can't be part of the family. As a mom myself, I would NEVER accept that for my kids.
He keeps a HUGE part of you (your kids) a secret from HIS family and he keep an ever bigger part of HIS life from his friend (you and the kids).
You can't BE too big of a secret if a old co-worker of his POSTED on your Facebook. Question is though, what did she post?
I think you REALLY need to sit down and ask HIM some of these questions, because ALL we can do here is GUESS and you need answers not guesses.
And I would make my Facebook private.
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