A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I like this guy quite a lot and I really want to get to know him more, originally my parents set us up as they know his mum well. The problem is that I can't him to come out of his house, he hardly ever comes off his computer. He lost his dad at a young age and he says he has a very mild social anxiety but he just feels like doing anything requires too much energy. I sometimes get a feeling that he likes me too when we're talking on Facebook (which we do a lot), I just wish he would make more of an effort to get to know my too. Every time I invite him out I think "he might actually come out this time" but I'm just constantly disappointed.His mum has invited a load of people over in a few days and because me, him and my sister are the only teenagers there we will be eating separately... I don't know whether to go or not or to bother making an effort... Any help would be amazing, I can never stop thinking about it. Thanks
View related questions:
facebook Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou so much got your answers!
I feel much better now that I have seen thing from others'points of view.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (29 May 2014):
 Mothers do not always know their children need help or are unwilling to admit they created a "deficient" child. I would not base his needs on his mother's assessment of him.
IF you want to go and see him by all means do. I would not consider having a romantic relationship with him if he does not get his "mild social anxiety" under control. It sounds like he's just a typical teen boy to me in many ways... but if he's being handled with kid gloves by his mommy... well that could build into a messy situation later in life for him.
BUT do not "put all your eggs in one basket" so to speak. Be his friend when it works for you... but get out and meet other folks too... perhaps if he REALLY likes you and you are not always available and around because you are out having a life it will force him to get out there a bit.
Sometimes we grow into a comfort zone that limits us... sounds like this boy is doing just that and being permitted to do so by a mother who is afraid to push him.
My husband is very anti-social... he goes to work, he comes home. He never goes out to see folks unless it involves board gaming... he's just not happy being social. there is nothing seriously wrong with him in terms of social anxiety and your friends sounds a lot like my spouse. It gets OLD very fast.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2014): "His mum has invited a load of people over in a few days and because me, him and my sister are the only teenagers there we will be eating separately... I don't know whether to go or not or to bother making an effort... Any help would be amazing, I can never stop thinking about it. Thanks "
The OP indicates the mother has invited people over. Not for his sake; but the OP and her sister are the only teenagers.
I think the mother would know if her son needs professional help and the OP hasn't offered to treat him. She just wants to know if it's worth her effort to attempt to establish friendship, and if she should bother to accept an invitation offered by the mother.
What does that have to do with treating him?
It was also advised for the OP not to push or criticize.
They are already in communication; and no matter what the extent of his condition is, we can't presume his mother has not sought professional help for her son. There is no mention of that one way or the other. Nor did I suggest she
attempt "taking on" responsibility for the young man.
I think his mother's supervision of his activities; and how he is exposed to others is pretty much at her discretion.
...............................
A
male
reader, RevMick +, writes (28 May 2014):
 Hi,
I would be a little careful with this one. I know from experience that sometimes you get set up to be someones carer by their family.
Hang out with him, if you like his company, but only professional help will break his anxiety about social situations and getting out and about.
I've recounted this a few times, but I was held up at gun point in a large city in the US and now even I get a bit nervous of large cities. Even though I know it's irrational and the odds of it happening are rare. It has an effect.
So, just don't be forced into befriending someone because their family want's it, as eventually it could lead to you hating him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHis social anxiety is very mild and his mum just wants to get him out more. I wouldn't say he quite needed professional help because he is just one of those people who would rather play video games and build computers and stuff like that... I don't mind what he likes to do, I would gladly do something like that with him even as a friend, I just want to get to know him and get him to want to know me.
Thankyou soooo much for your answers they have given me some ideas :)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2014): Hi, sorry WiseOwlE whose advice I usually totally respect, I do not agree at all on this point.
The OP is being 'set up' as potential carer for this dysfunctional young man and is already starting to feel very responsible for the fact that he can't operate normally in the world. It's really not at all healthy for her, she's already having to write to an agony aunt website to try to figure out what to do because he's addicted to his computer. The young man needs professional help for his disorders, not offloaded onto a very kind and innocent teenager who will be used to try to socialise him. It's just not fair on her, she'd be better off keeping a distance from now on and urging her Mother to talk to the young man's mother about getting professional help for him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2014): Please do spend time with him, and urge him little by little.
Don't push! He can't help how his brain works. He has a anxiety disorder that makes him agoraphobic. He can't really help it. However; it's good that his mother is encouraging him to have friends, and I hope you and your sister will attend. Try to be patient and understanding.
It's good that he likes you. Please visit as often as he is willing to see you. You have reached him somehow; but don't let him hide behind Facebook as the only way he'll interact with you. Don't let him occupy all your time trying to get him to go out. It will frustrate you. You have other friends.
It creates anxiety if you push him too much. So be careful not to upset him by criticizing him about it. Even if you can get him as far as his back porch. That's a start.
...............................
|
