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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hello, my boyfriend is seriously jealous and name calls me because of things I have done in the past.I have never cheated on him... but he sometimes acts like I have. I don't know why he feels sort of betrayed becuase of what I did in the past. Why do some men react like that? He disagrees completely with things I've done in the past... not just casual, drunken encounters with other guys who I didn't previously know, but also of friendships.I used to have a friend with benefits, to whom I gave oral sex to once. I had two drunken encounters with strangers (who were a lot older than me... but it was only making out). Oh, even my first kiss bothered him; I only hooked up once with that guy, I had known him from MSN before because he was friend's with my sister's boyfriend of that time,and I never had a relationship with him. I used to be friends with a guy much older than me (not my ex friend with benefits), who goes to college with me now, and who I don't speak to anymore. We used to hang out and exchagne CDs. Later that year, he told me he had a crush on me... we didn't speak for like a month, but later we kept talking on MSN. This bothers my boyfriend to no end... and because of this today he called me a sl*t.He texted me to say how much of a sl*t I was for hanging out with that guy like that. Don't get me wrong, the only reason he knoes of my past is because he asked. I didn't wanna lie to him. But whatever... the thing is it's NOT the firts time he calls me names, actually tehre have been far worse scenarios, but now I'm so mad at him and hurt!He's working now, and his shift ends in four more hours. So I can't talk to him about this... he know how much it upsets me, but there's no way to convince him I've done nothing wrong. It's happened more than once, but I still can't figure out how to deal with this name calling..He's a sweet man, most of the time he treats me like a queen!... he doesn't call me names often, only when the past is brought up (usually by him, though) and he gets angry. He usually apologizes afterwards, but I don't know if I should take his apologies later... because he'll most likely apologize tonight. I don't know what to do, or how to handle the name calling. I really feel like slapping him for being like this... all I know is I've done nothing wrong, in the past or now! But I can't make him see his mistakes, his blinded by his own jealousy.
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female
reader, crisraye  +, writes (24 October 2008):
Honey, I'm 36 y/o, got experience in this and #1 thing u did was to be honest to him about ur past! Now ur past is so convinent to him when he screws up in the present and future!
If a first kiss bothers him, u r in for alot of BS! He calls u horrible names for things u did in ur past? U know it's all hard for us to love someone & to know that before us the one we love had intmancy w/ another, but that was all before us and unless u r bragging these things to him over and over, he needs to let it go!
He's a true case of an emotional, mental abuser and it's only gonna get worse!
If u ever date anyone else again and they want to know personal details tell them that's my past, that's before you, that's over, get over it, I have!
It's not about ur past at all sweetheart, it's about him doin whatever he can to try to break u down!!! Even if u never told him anything about ur past he'd still try to find a way to break u down! U r in an emotional, mental, insecure relationship and no matter what u do, no matter how u try to show ur devotion, it's still gonna be what it is!
In ur post u r so tryin to make excuses, not like lies but just the fact that u r w/ a person who mentally, emotionally whom someone breaks u down and in ur post it's like u r talkin to him!
The things u did in the past u were probably single, unless in front of him u disrespect him for another there is no good reason for him to treat u this way!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008): right, I see where your bfs coming from.listen, what you never, ever, EVER, say about your past is 'i regretted it' 'i was drunk' or 'its in the past'. this will make your bf angry.if he kicks off about innocent stuff like kissing, its probably cos he never had that or he didnt have it like he wanted it to be, maybe he wanted more drunken encounters? or just plain hated/hates himself cos he wasnt a player?this bf is probably the most loyal, loving guy you'll ever meet. wanna know why? cos he feels so lucky to finally have you he wants you all to himself. which in a way is whats makin him mad about your past.look, he wouldnt get mad if he had a similar past to yours, so im guessing he's not jealous of the men you've been with, he's jealous of you.what you gotta do is be the most loving, loyal, girlfriend ever and ALWAYS reward him when he does something nice (i think you get what i mean by reward) if he learns that he gets stuff from you when he's nice, he'll eventually get over the past and stop being nasty.people can only be jealous of something they don't have, (i know this sounds crazy, but you wanted help so here it is) so don't talk about your past to him, act it out with him! he will not be jealous if he has everything those other guys had! he doesn't just want you to be perfect all the time, part of him wants you to be the ''slutty'' girl of your past with him.I hope things work out for you. good luck x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): One sign of an abusive personality is extreme possiveness. It is normal to want your partner to be yours in the present and future, but we have to accept that the past off a person cannot be owned.
This ain't always easy, say that a guy accepts his woman slept with other men in the past, there still would be a difference between 1-3, a dozen and several hundred (a hooker/escort easily sleeps with that number during even a short career). It may not be right, it may not be PC, but a lot of people ain't to happy knowing they are getting second hand goods.
Would you be happy with a man who constantly runs into ex-lovers? If every other woman you meet knows his cock size?
So far the normal bit, on the whole mature couples know they both got a past, that from time to time you might encounter ex-lovers of each other but on the whole, the subject isn't gone into to deeply, the past is the past, concentrate on the present and the future. One surefire way to ruin a new relation is to ignore this and suffer the dreaded curse of the Ex!
However, your boyfriend might instead be a future abuser, his actions are out of line especially considering thatyour past is hardly a past at all. About the only thing I would worry about with you as a partner is to make damn sure you got tested and keep you away from alcohol. A bit to much, "I got drunk and jumped in the sack with the first guy who wasn't out cold" in your story.
Abusers often swing between extremes, being treated like a queen one day doesn't make up for abuse the next.
He may simply be too immature yet to accept that you have a past, but that you are with him in the present now. Sorry to say this, but some people just are like that.
But he may also be showing the first signs of the extreme possiveness abusers have towards they partner and wanting to control every aspect of your life, even those that can not be controlled. Yelling to day, grabbing the next, tomorrow you will have fallen down the stairs.
You have to judge for yourselve what his problem is. he may mature if it is simple jealousy.
But if he is abusive, it will only get worse. The problem is that abusers, especially at the beginning often can seem to have a case. For instance, the first time a man yells at a woman because she wrecked the car, abuse OR legitimate anger? Most abused women can come up pretty easily with excuses for their partners behaviour.
In fact, aren't you coming up with excuses right now? Your past?
I really can't come up with anything else then that this relationship is going very wrong and that you should get the hell out of there.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (14 March 2008):
 You're in charge of you. You're in charge of how others treat you. You set up your own boundaries of how you allow people to treat you. Talking to him also means being firm in your standing. If it were me I'd say something like "you know, you usually treat me well, you're not with the name calling, either we can get past this and not call names, or I'm going to have to move on because I choose not to be treated that way."
His jealousy is how he perceives your actions. It's a way of generalizing. He sees your making out with people you just met as a lack of personal responsability. Possiably having a lower sense of self. Having a lower sense of self may seem as a behavior which if given a chance may give into temptation and be with someone else while you're with him.
What he has to realize is he's not you and you're not him. He may think about this in a certain way, which isn't wrong, but he has to respect your decisions you made in the past as being your choices as well. Just because he wouldn't make the same choices, doesn't mean it's wrong for you too.
He needs to come to an understanding that he is with you for you, you are with him for him, both of which is by choice. You're not obligated to stay with him and he's not to you and either one of you have the right to make that decision at any time.
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