A
male
age
36-40,
*jj8885
writes:This would sound a bit silly, but i've become to realize my gal is a MUSCLE fan. She even mentions it in a very inconsiderate way, like if we'd be talking, and i mentioned a guy's name, she's say "yeh the guy with the muscles" literately. No confidence issues here, im not a muscular guy, and don't really wanna be cause i have a busy life style, job and such... but the question is, if i'm not what she likes in a man, physically, why be with me, and should i be with her. Meaning, even if it's love, there are likes and dislikes that do affect a long time relationship, shouldn't those issues be taken into consideration?Thank you
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male
reader, HaroldMorrow +, writes (1 December 2012):
Well people have different choices and tests. If she wants you be like muscular man you can try products like agelessmale improvements in muscle support, improves body's ability to make energy increase in libido (sex drive) and sexual performance along With regular excercises. Hope you can take sometime for this from your busy schedule.
http://efamilydoctor.info/boost-your-testosterone-level-for-healthy-life/
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (4 December 2011):
 Oh now sweetie, you slightly misunderstood me..before I found out she had an weight issue.
I'm going to echo the rest of the aunts in saying your girlfriend wants you to gain muscle so she won't feel overweight next to you. It's not because she favors meatheads at all. She's VERY insecure about her weight.
I understand that you don't care if she's big or small.
BUT instead of asking you to change your outward appearance, the correct solution would be to work on hers.
So the next time you argue about this, tell her it's not fair of her to ask you to change your outward appearance because you're happy with yourself. Tell her gently, you see why she wants you to gain muscle mass, and assure her that you're happy with the way she looks. But if she's not happy with her weight, then she CAN do something about it. If she lost a bit of weight, it would definitely give her some confidence back.
I didn't mean don't be mean about it, girls are very sensitive about their weight. Just bring it up as gently as you can. If you want to put an end to this ridiculous argument then you're going to have to point out the root of the problem. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 December 2011):
 Yeah, you're missing the point OP. The point is not that she isn't attracted to you, the point is that she isn't attracted to herself. She thinks she's too big. It's got nothing to do with attraction towards you, it's got to do with her not feeling feminine or petite. She thinks she would look smaller if you were bigger, that's all! It's got nothing to do with how attracted she is to you, based on what you have told us.
I also think you are too focused on the negative here, and making a mountain out of a mole hill. She likes you! She's attracted to you! Otherwise she wouldn't be with you, it's that simple. Her comments are taken out of context and because of your personal insecurities her words are twisted into meaning something else (don't deny it, you have insecurities too like most of us, otherwise no comment she ever made would bother you).
She already told you she'd prefer a big guy because of herself being overweight/too heavy. Trust those words to be true. She isn't secretly wanting a bigger man, she wants YOU, and she wishes she was smaller herself so she doesn't look like the man in the relationship.
Don't start a tit-for-tat war about doing things to make her insecure because you get insecure. That'll only screw up your relationship. Instead have a proper calm talk with her about this, and believe in what she tells you, and make sure there are no misunderstandings. As it is I think you are adding a lot of meaning to things because you haven't talked to her properly about this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2011): jjj8885 I think you're missing the point.
Be honest before this girlfriend, were overweight girls the ones you found the hottest? Where they the ones you fantasized about throughout your teens? Think of the blemishes and little imperfections that you love about this girl can you honestly say they were part of your first preference dream girl when you didn't even know her?
I don't think you can say that OP, and if you can then you may well be lying to us or yourself.
Have you ever dated girl that didn't fit into the archetype you have of the girls you prefer and did it really matter?
Just because she likes muscles on a guy doesn't matter, you may like flat stomachs or long legs but it doesn't mean that you like your girlfriend any less does it?
Look OP you have to understand she may only be projecting her insecurities onto you. It's not you she wants you to be muscley in my opinion. It sounds more like she's not happy with her own body and I also think you're taking her words out of context.
Look my girlfriend often makes comments about other guys she thinks are hot. She too likes toned, firm men with a bit of muscle but when we got together and fell in love I was fat. It didn't bother in me the slightest that she commented on other guys because their physiques are usually impressive. I can appreciate that too and am now more toned than most men because I needed to improve my body for health reasons.
Look it bothers you, so tell her not to make comments like that anymore because put simply OP if the tables were turned she'd be outraged. If you started calling girls by the physical attributes you liked most about them then she'd kill you. "Oh the girl the great ass" or "is she the girl with the lovely firm tits?"
I say I don't care about what my girlfriend says because we have the kind of bond where it doesn't matter but for some reason girls these days think it's fine to objectify guys on their physical attributes yet are outraged when we do the same about girls. Well women can't have it all their own way OP. I have female friends that are always pointing out guys who are hot and have great asses etc. and I have no problem pointing out great tits on a girl in front of them in that case. They like to highlight the fact that them saying those things doesn't bother me or make me insecure and that me commenting on a girl that looks better than them in front of them does. But tough shit I say, if girls want to be equals then they'll get no special treatment from me. I'll treat them as equals.
So I'd advise you to ask her how she'd feel if the tables were turned, would she feel good if you started objectifying that you know she thinks have better bodies than her to her. Then ask her why she thinks it's acceptable to do that.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 December 2011):
 "why doesn't sh just bck off and find a man she thinks is her type."
OUCH OP you sound SO ANGRY! Why are you so angry over this?
I think Cindy makes great points.
you say she is your dream girl and you want to marry her but you don't want her fantasizing about others... honey even if you were the #1 Body builder in the world she would still fantasize about others... it's human nature to some degree to want what we can't have.
if instead of calling him the the muscular guy she had said "the tall blonde guy" or "the green eyed guy" would that have pushed your buttons so strongly?
IF you base it on body preference then I guess I'd better never refer to someone as "that green eyed guy" since I much prefer green eyes to brown or blue. It's the same thing.
The muscles part clearly pushes your buttons...
and tennisstar is right her wanting you to bulk up is not her problem her needing to love herself where she is is her problem...
and you need to accept that while she loves you and accepts you where you are... she will always be harder on herself...
I love my man I accept him where he is.. yes I would prefer him to have say a higher threshold of pain... or maybe not get motion sickness in a moving object (no cruises for me)... but I love him just the way she is.
you love your girl just the way she is... she would like to be slimmer but you are fine with it..... what if you propose and she says NO because she's not slim enough for you? And her thought is... well you should prefer slimmer women.... (remember this is HER issue not yours but what's in HER head matters to HER just like what's IN your head matters to you)....
I like big thick guys... I have a skinny runt... BFD... i have a man in my bed that loves me... who cares if he's a body builder or a computer geek... what happens when I'm old and wrinkled and blind and can't see him any more any way?
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A
male
reader, jjj8885 +, writes (4 December 2011):
jjj8885 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCindyCares, you are correct about the fact that her preferences shouldn't bother me in that way, but really it doesn't, the whole point is that i don't wanna end up having a wife who's fantasizing about someone else, or regretting any step she takes forward with me, cause i'm really planning to get engaged to this lady cause she's my dream girl. The whole idea isn't about me, it's about her, i'd be happy with her whether she loses a pound or adds 50, but her comments and the fact that she refers to a guy as "the muscular guy" got me to think that she might be in the wrong place with me. Again she might not think so, she continuously tells me that she loves me and does rush to me for comfort, but i thought the non-emotional aspect should be taken into consideration, again, for her sake, cause i'm totally convinced, and on the verge of proposing an engagement, so not shaky at all here :).
Thanks again to all
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 December 2011):
 While I agree that if your gf is unhappy with the way she looks she should work on her body and not on yours obviously, I think you are overreacting to the whole issue and that you must hide some insecurity- maybe just a tad :)? otherwise this would not even bother you ,I mean, so the girl has a preference for some specific physical traits, and?....why should this be a problem ?
I love Scandinavian- blonde hair, but so far I have only dated one man who was very light haired. Hair is a detail, I do not start from hair when looking for a man.Same as your girl does not start from muscles, otherwise she would not be with you to begin with.If I happen to meet someone I like and get along with and respect and there is sexual chemistry and all that jazz, plus he also has golden locks :) , that is an added bonus
which I appreciate, otherwise I am fine with any other hair colour .
Or do you imply that since she is your gf she should see you like mirror mirror on the wall he is the fairest of them all ?
I disagree, that would be a sign of infatuation not of love. Love is exactly when you can SEE there are blonder or burlier or hotter or stronger types.. etc. but you STILL want to be with the person you have chosen, skinny frame and all...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2011): Tennisstar88 you're my hero. Finally someone who understands my point. At the end of the day if she has a problem with me and my appearance why doesn't sh just bck off and find a man she thinks is her type. I actually proposed that and she kept insisting that didn't matter to her and tht love is the basis of our relation ...etc.I do love her madly, but lack of attraction can lead to a stale life to her, I know I'd take her anytime even if he added more weight. I didn't counter her discussion cause I accept herr as is and didn't wanna hurt her feelings by being a critic. At the end, u think she'll be happy going on like this or would it end bad?
Thanks for all really
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (4 December 2011):
Instead of asking you to change her appearance, she needs to really change hers if she's not happy with herself.
My husband weighs as much as I do but he's really skinny. I'm a slim girl but I sometimes feel like a cow next to him. But that's my own problem, that I need to work on instead of asking my husband to gain muscle mass.
Tell her it's still not fair of her to ask you to change your appearance. You're happy with how you look. She's the ONE who has issues with her physique, thus she CAN change it herself. You're not asking her to, but counteracting this stupid argument.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 December 2011):
her response sounds very genuine to me...
if she is a bit overweight and you are slight she may feel self conscious of how she looks with you... I know that when I was heavy I preferred tall and heavy partners because it made me look smaller.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 December 2011):
She's overweight so would feel more comfortable with a guy who matches her in size. Women want to be the "petite" and "fragile" one, she probably currently think she looks like she could beat you in battle of any sort, which makes her feel too masculine.
If THIS is the reason she likes bigger guys, because of her own weight, then the solution is simpler than you might think. It's all psychological. She needs to feel feminine and petite. First off all you need to encourage her to drop some weight, because that's primarily what she needs to do.
Next part is about you. If you genetically aren't a big guy you wont get big arms either almost no matter what, because your muscles will always be proportional to your body, so if you're slender you'll continue to be slender even if you are fit and strong. So work out if you want to, but that wont really do much of a difference here, as she seeks someone masculine, someone who can wrestle her to the ground. It's not the actual muscles, it's the psychological part. Can you actually take her down if you play-wrestle? Can you beat her if you arm-wrestle? If so then invite her to a game and show her you are stronger than her.
Can you lift her? Then do so, that ALWAYS makes a girl feel small and petite. Or lift furniture.
If physical strength isn't your strong-hold, make her feel feminine in other ways. Chase her in a game of tag, out-run her. Or can you jump real high? Impress by any means, as long as you do something BETTER than her, and preferably something with a hint of masculinity about it. Or be a gentleman, hold out her chair, make her feel like a woman, make her feel protected by you.
She doesn't want or need big muscles, she just wants to feel like the woman in the relationship, and traditionally the guy is supposed to be both taller and stronger. So as long as you are at least one of the two then she'll feel better about herself. This is after all about HER not feeling good about HERSELF.
ps. if you are taller than her then you can emphasize this by standing next to her, look down at her, and say "hey down there, cutie", or something like that. That'll make her feel small and feminine.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2011): I have talked to her about it and don't know if I should take her answer as positive or just avoiding an honest answer. She just said muscles looked nice, but ended sying thatt due to the fact that she is a bit overweight, me growing larger would make this fact easier on her. But dunno how that effects her preferences and how that made muscularity intrigue her. Girls....this is where men can't get through ur thinking....so help :)
Thanks everyone, really
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 December 2011):
Ah, well the matter changes of course if she's been expressing she wants you to change. That's rude. And in that case you are right to worry how long this relationship will last if she is eager for you to change. Just make sure you haven't misunderstood her, encouraging you to build muscles and wanting you to build muscles can be two very different things. Like I said I dated an overweight man one time, and although I did accept him for what he looked like, as a person who loved and cared for him I knew his weight was not healthy, and no matter how much I loved him that extra fat just isn't attractive unless you have it as a fetish. He wasn't just chubby though, this man has a belly hanging over his pants and man-boobs the size of my own breasts. He really needed the gym for his own health. So I encouraged that.
Then there was another man I was with who was slender, but he was interested in getting bigger, and I encouraged that, I often told him I saw the changes, as encouragement. I do like to look at muscles, but would be just as happy if he didn't build them. However when he wanted to do it I was naturally all for helping with the encouragement.
The important part is that you let your partner know you don't love them for who they might be in the future, or what they might look like then, but love them just as they are right now. You should talk to your girlfriend again to be certain about what the case is. Perhaps her comments and discussions about this has been signs of encouragement, but that she hasn't been good at wording herself (perhaps she thought you had said you wanted to build muscles?), or perhaps you are right and that she does want you to get bigger because thats what she is attracted to, in which case ask her why she is with you, and tell her if she can not accept you for what you are and look like today, not what you might look like after 5 years at the gym, then the relationship can't last.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (3 December 2011):
You're right if she's not physically satisfied with you then why be with you?
Has she lost her physical attraction for you?
How long have you two been together?
She can't ask you to change your outward appearance..that's like you asking her to drop a couple of dress sizes because you like your women a size 2. You don't just tell some one they need to change in oder to fit your type. Really, she should've never started dating you if you're not exactly what she wants.
I would tell her "no" you're not changing your physical stature because you're happy with what you have..and she should be too. That is if she truly loves you. If she's not happy with it, then she needs to move on to a more muscular guy. Maybe that roided up look strikes her fancy.
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A
male
reader, jjj8885 +, writes (3 December 2011):
jjj8885 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks chigirl, nice response, but we have argued about her wanting me to grow bigger :), and has mentioned that she is impressed by men with large stature and she is trying to get over it, which i don't believe is possible, that's why the entire topic :)
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 December 2011):
Oh yeah and your girlfriends comment wasn't either inconsiderate nor a sign that she prefers bigger muscles than you have. It was just a comment and you are being way too sensitive about it, suspecting the worst. The girl just commented, and if the guy has big muscles then he has big muscles, it's a matter of fact thing, not a hint for you to get bigger. You can't take everything anyone says and twist it into meaning something negative about you. If she didn't say it about you, that she doesn't like the way you look and wants you to be bigger, then there is no reason at all why you need to jump to the conclusion that she will eventually ditch you because she wants bigger and better. She's with you because she likes YOU, not because she is bored and just waiting around for mr. muscles.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (2 December 2011):
So Very Confused, and OP, people can like one thing to look at, but want to be with someone else. Looking at something only comes down to looks. When you are with a person who they are matters most, and affects how they look. When you are with someone it is about the total package, not about looks. Looks is a one dimensional factor. A relationship requires oh so much more, and to be HAPPY you need ohh sooo much more from a partner than LOOKS.
I can say I like muscles too, yet I've dated and loved being with slim men with arms that look like sticks and overweight men who really could use going to the gym more often. Why? Because it's about who they are, not what they look like. If they got more muscles, sure, wouldn't complain, but I don't complain with them being who they are either, because who they are matter a thousand times more than what they look like. So that's why they might say the like the looks of someone opposite, but they are still with you. Because you're just that great.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 December 2011):
I know lots of people that only eat the same time all the time. my boyfriend for one... he has very set tastes and does not change.
Truth is that humans are not wired to be monogamous... it's a social convention and many folks deal with it just fine.
then you have the swingers (i was one)
the cheaters (never have cheated NEVER)
and those that practice Serial Monogamy... (i'm working my third divorce now.... sadly it happens but it gives you great insight into human nature...)
oh and has she ever said "YOU are lacking in this area"? because just because I admire a tall thickly built man does not mean I think my boyfriend is LACKING. what she is doing is defining a person based on a body trait... "the guy with the muscles..." that's how she thinks of HIM... she's NOT saying she is comparing you to him and you are Lacking......
it's all in how you interpret what she says... ask her.
I thought my boyfriend was criticizing me when he would comment on something he liked "fabulous legs" or "great boobs" on another woman... I realized after we talked about it that he's NOT comparing me to them... he's NOT criticizing me... he's JUST commenting on how he DEFINES this particular person... NONE of it is meant to be a Compare and Contrast OR a criticism.
NO I am NOT his type... but he likes thin women and I'm the first women he has ever EVER dated that meets the criteria. He's always had large women and as a formerly very large woman I am very sensitive to weight issues... so when on comments on a woman who is thinner than I am (or that I THINK is thinner than I am because I have body dysmorphia)I take it as n personal insult... but it's NOT meant that way...
What I suggest you do is ASK your Girlfriend about this. What my boyfriend and I ended up doing was making a rule... as a general daily event he can comment on other women. don't mind. BUT on DATE NIGHT he is NOT ALLOWED to comment on other women... this works for us as I recognize he's not doing it to insult me, hurt me, compare me or demean me. He just thinks AFTER he talks... and I am sensing that is what's going on with your GF, OP.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2011): I seem to have given the wrong impression. She has told me that she does prefer muscle, and tht its something that impresses her. I do have my pride, and if someone doesn't like me as is, I don't care, I'm happy with what I am. I don't have a big belly, I'm just fit, leaning towards slim guys. The point is, I don't wanna be with someone ho later regrets being with me and again the muscle thing is a small matter, but interest in each other does take its toll
Thanks all
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (2 December 2011):
 it does effect a person when someone you care about talks about other people , it makes a person feel like they don't measure up to their standards. she is not being mature, and effecting the relationship between you two. you may need to ask her if she wants to be with big muscles or with you, that you don't want to hold her back if she isn't happy with you. you can put it ( i want you to be happy. i don't want to hold you back from being happy,i am afraid i may never have the muscle body you want. but i want you to know i don't want to be with anyone else but you, you are everything i want in a woman.) she should understand how it is effecting you two for the long haul. it sounds like you need to let her know that it doe's bother you. it sounds like she is not taking your feelings into consideration and hurting you with her likes , and not thinking a thing of how it may be effecting you. some people do that, and are inconsiderate of others feels.
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female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (2 December 2011):
Are you saying that you feel a bit insecure because your girlfriend described one guy (whose obvious defining feature is his well-stacked frame) as 'the guy with the muscles?'.
I have a brother who is described as 'the guy with Spock ears,' a fiancé who is 'the big dude with lots of ear piercings,' and when I had my hair dyed pink and blue I was 'the girl with the hair.'
Some people have a habit of clarifying who a person is by a defining physical feature, especially when you may know more than one person with the same name. This is done so you know she was referring to something that Joey with the muscles did, and not something that Joey four-eyes did.
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male
reader, jjj8885 +, writes (2 December 2011):
jjj8885 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionit really doesn't effect my self esteem, but pointing out what is lacked on my side is inconsiderate cause it shows that no matter what i offer, it might end up being a waste; not enough. If i were to chose i'd select a girl with so and so which she lacks as well, but would stare at her rather than any of those since i do love her and would take that anytime, with me convinced of that and have a naked girl cross me without looking at her cause i'd rather set my eyes on my girl.
As for steak and fish, how long can keep eating fish, ur gonna give up some day on the taste and wanna go with what pleases/satisfies u.
thanks for the replies
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 December 2011):
 Even though you say it doesn't effect your self-esteem she is still being rather inconsiderate when she says stuff like that. I think inconsiderate people are a turn off so I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with one. It would be like my saying to my husband "yeah the guy with the hair". What she finds attract in a man wouldn't be the deal breaker here for me it would be simple courtesy.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 December 2011):
I have a similar issue. My boyfriend is 13 years younger than I am and he young Asian women he also likes very slender women with big boobs and he likes LIGHT eyes.
I am NONE OF THE ABOVE. I still try to wrap my head around the fact that he is with ME not what he PREFERS... but as he has tried over and over to explain to me...
HIS preferred body type is just a fantasy... it does not mean he HAS to have what he wants (seriously how many light eyed big boobed slender Asian girls are around in anything other than Animae porn)....
Just because she has a type she likes does NOT mean she is NOT happy with you as her bf...
I also have a preferred body type which is thick and broad and I am with a slender slight guy... a perferred type is just... a type
I like steak better than fish or chicken but I still enjoy fish and chicken....
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