A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:The differences between me and my parents are unbearable and I find myself avoiding them. My parents are in their early 70s and I am 42. I was divorced nearly 3 years ago and have not found a new partner yet but am taking my time to meet a good man. I see my parents every few months and always come away from visiting them feeling messed up in the head and upset - it takes me days to recover. They make all manner of hateful comments about society which I find intolerable. Some of them are racist, homophobic and even anti-divorce. They make judgements about other people with such disdain and hatred that I don't know where it comes from. I am liberal minded as are all my friends. The latest argument I had with my father was that he thought it as "totally disgusting that gay people want to marry in a church and that marriage was for people who wish to have children and gay people should not be having children". Bear in mind I was married in a church and my husband was abusive so I refused to have children with him and now I am in my 40's and childless it really hurt my feelings. I find their comments insensitive and generally awful towards society - they are negative about everyone it seems even if they have no impact on their own lives. I don't know how to handle them or this situation any more. What should I do? I find myself unable to hold my tongue when they say such vulgar things.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (12 January 2015):
 Based on what you've told us about your parents, the things they say and do, and your feelings about what they say and do....I believe that you must choose from among three options:
1. Stay away from them, so that you never are exposed to their words,
2. Visit them, and - knowing what they will probably say - turn a deaf ear to their vitriole, or,
3. Visit them, and continue to be upset by what they say and do....
The choice is your's. Good luck...
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (11 January 2015):
 I think you have to remember that society has changed a lot in a relatively short period of time. What is perfectly normal and acceptable to us now, people in our 30s/40s is a world away from what our parents and grandparents were brought up to believe and understand. You cannot expect them to change life-long views overnight. Things that have been inbred are not changed easily.
When your parents were children growing up, it was illegal to be gay. Up until 1967, people were prosecuted, jailed and criminalised for it. Rightly or wrongly, this could have impacted on the way that they view the world.
The same goes for gay marriage in a church. For those who are religious, it is a place of peace and worship, and for those who believe in the teachings of the bible (I am not religious at all btw). People who attend church may or may not believe that gay marriage is wrong. To have it carried out in a place of worship potentially could be very very offensive to their beliefs.
As for divorce... well it is only recently that is has been easy to get a divorce. Back when your parents were younger, to be divorced was a sign that you had failed at your marriage. It was socially unacceptable for many people. Women were still expected to put up and shut up, and take whatever their husbands did, because they were just women. Cook, clean, bring up children, while the men went out to work.
When they went to school, kids were routinely punished with the cane (my dad was caned), or having their legs/hands slapped with rulers, or board rubbers thrown at them. Policemen were able to give kids a clip round the ear. It was accepted, sometimes encouraged to give children discipline. This is a world away to what we believe and do now. But yet, only 50 years ago or less.
I think what I am trying to say, is every generation has a different view on the world. Our generation has very different views and opinions to that of our parents, and our parents would have been different again to their parents. Looking back through history there are many scenarios when the younger generations have done things which the elders do not approve of.
Like womens clothing. In the Victorian period, women were not allowed to show any leg, skin, at all. It was considered completely uncouth and vulgar. In the 20s, 30s, this changed, and skirt lengths shortened, this was as much to do with the war and women gaining status in society. You can imagine the tutting and opinions of those women who grew up in the Victorian period and refused to understand that flashing your legs was now acceptable. Flash forward to today on a Saturday night in a town and you see women flashing their boobs and wearing hardly any clothes. 100 years..... yet they could be different planets as to what is deemed acceptable in society.
Same with unmarried mothers - girls were often shipped off abroad to have children so as not to bring shame upon the family. Now underage girls can get abortions on the NHS without their parents even knowing.
All these are outdated beliefs, but at the time, they were all central to the community at that time and obeyed by everyone.
In 2015, things have changed again. The world has changed again. This is how society evolves.
Come 2035 I suspect that we will be doing exactly the same thing as your parents are doing now. Complaining about the "youth of today" and how society has gone down the pan. Our children will be saying the same things as us.... why can't my parents accept that things have changed.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 January 2015):
 I would wonder if they may be showing signs of dementia and I would not take it personally.
I would practice the tactics of distraction or redirection and I would not engage in a battle that upsets me, as obviously at 70 years of age they are not going to change.
I would find the common ground and try to recall happier days and if Dad persists in the negative stuff, I'd say something like, "Dad, tell me about what's happening with --X Y and/or Z-- "
https://caregiver.org/caregivers-guide-understanding-dementia-behaviors
You are old enough and presumably have a sense of personal strength enough to ignore these odd outbursts.
Get educated on dementia ASAP; sorry for this sad comment but I think what you are seeing is not your parents' true nature....
Best wishes going forward.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (11 January 2015):
People respond differently as they age. Some people allow their views to change and adapt with time, they go along with the changes in society. Some have an open mind, and as new debates such as gay marriage come to the fore, that would never have existed when your parents were young, they can take on different points of view and form a judgement. They may still not come to a viewpoint you agree with, but they don’t express it with such hostility.
Some people, however, get to a point where society has changed so much and they can’t recognise the world they were familiar with anymore. Their reaction is somewhat defensive: without feeling they have a place in society anymore, they have no outlet other than to be angry with that society. This can manifest in the kinds of hostile attitudes you describe. There can be a lot of potential targets: gay people, immigrants, and others, but essentially those felt to have changed things in undesirable ways.
I don’t think people should be excused just because they’re old, if nothing else it’s patronising to the elderly. However if you can understand that the basis for such hostility is an inability to reconcile with a society that’s changed beyond recognition for them, and not a hateful attitude with an intention to deliberately be hurtful, it may help you to feel less angry when you hear such views. You should also not be afraid to say that you disagree, an acknowledge that your views will always be different on certain matters.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (11 January 2015):
You must understand, that at this age, it's really hard to change someone's opinion of life. It's their thoughts and probably them just venting out in old age. What you can do is to avoid these topics or just saying that you should rather agree to disagree.
I kind of know what you mean, because most of the elders in my family tend to behave that way. And these are people who have travelled around a lot and seen different cultures, etc. They say experience makes people broad minded. But sometimes, it just doesn't. Indulging them will only distress you and fuel their comments more.
They are your parents. You know best how to get them to not have a certain conversation, at least when you are around.
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