A
female
age
36-40,
*llie831
writes:Hi, this probably a really silly situation but I really don't know what to do.... So I've liked this guy for around 4 years every time I used to see him out when I had a drink I used to say things to him I.e I like you, I fancy you etc but things never really progressed as I ended up dating his friend and had a child with him... Since then I have recently got in contact with him again and we met up a few times, went for food, talked in his car and kissed, we found out we have so many things in common, we laughed together and things didn't feel wrong ( even though I'm still with his friend) I know I shouldn't of met up with him whilst I'm with someone else and it is his friend, at the time he also had a girlfriend!!! So anyway, the kisses felt right everything did so we booked to stay in a hotel the 1 night, he picked me up from work and told me he couldn't do it anymore he felt wrong because he was going behind his friends back and because he was going behind his girlfriends back!!! He is right I know but I was gutted I was really falling for him, now I know I shouldn't of gone there in the first place but I really like him, I know I shouldn't cheat but I have been unhappy for over a year now haven't had sexual relations with my partner for over a year but I'm staying with him as I don't wanna be alone and for my child!! So now I'm left thinking about this guy all the time I see him every week as he plays football with my boyfriend and we just don't talk at all it's really hurtful as I really like him I always think about having a future with him and how happy we could be!!! But since he jus said he wants to be my friend, but I don't think that's what he wants he told me he really liked me and he always thought about me how can he jus cut those feelings off and block me out!! I'm constantly arguing with my boyfriend because all I think about is this other guy!! Please help what do I do I'm finding it so hard to forget him! Xx
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (11 January 2015):
 Ellie: You're not 11 years old any more.... and life is not school yard goings-on as you and your "boyfriends" are out at recess....
Please decide that you really ARE "26-29" years old, and try to look at your life - and this predicament - as an adult.....
Good luck.....
A
female
reader, Ellie831 +, writes (11 January 2015):
Ellie831 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy relationship in my current relationship isn't working because I don't fancy him anymore and he lies a lot so doesn't really have a lot to do with the other guy!!! It will end soon between us as I can't carry on being the way we are!! But when I was meeting this guy he told me that he really liked me and wanted to be with me In the future!! It's so hard to think all that he said now was a lie as he doesn't wanna know now
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (11 January 2015):
You are projecting on to this other guy, your hopes for the perfect relationship. It’s like you see all the good aspects of a relationship in him, which is making you think so much about him that it’s distracting you from trying to fix the issues in your own relationship. You have to try and forget about him: whether he likes you as more than a friend or not, he’s decided to stay with his girlfriend, and he’s decided he’s not prepared for the hurt it would cause her and your friend if he were to be with you, so he’s totally unavailable. What isn’t clear from your post, is what the cause of your relationship difficulties are. I wonder if that’s because, as I said, you’ve blocked out thoughts of resolving this, for the elation that comes with the fantasy that the grass would be greener with some-one else.
If you are going to stay with your partner, you need to talk to him. What is it that makes you unhappy? You refer to the lack of sex, is that something you want to work on? Have you fallen out of love with him, or are you prepared to put the effort in? Because you can’t just drift along like this, because the pain you’re feeling now is only going to get worse, and sooner or later you’ll again mistakenly see a brighter future in some-one else who may be equally unsuitable. This man won’t magically disappear from your thoughts, but commit to working on your relationship and this will give you a more helpful focus. Talk to your partner, ask him how he is, tell him the things you’re unhappy about and ask him to work with you on making things better.
As many couples with young children and busy lives do, you might have got locked in to a pattern of not making time for each other anymore: not being attentive with complements or small gestures, or simply reminding them of your feelings for them. Perhaps you may need to commit to getting a babysitter once in a while to make time for just the 2 of you, or if you can’t, just going somewhere different from the usual where you can spend quality time together. You don’t really describe your current relationship much at all, so you may well think these aren’t the most helpful suggestions, but you need to figure out what you think you need to make things better if this relationship is going to survive.
If you really are only with him for your child, I can’t see things working out for you.
As for the other man, you know it’s never going to happen. At least you don’t have to live with the question, what if? So now it’s time to focus on what you’ve got.
I wish you all the very best.
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