A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. We are just getting back together after a rough break up. I initiate the break up but then I realize that's the biggest mistake I've ever made. He's going to propose and marry me next year and I rejected him. He prepared all the things for our future and I make him disappointed. I know he's so stressed out because of that and everythings changes since then. Now we getting back together, but his attitude towards me has changed and it makes me feel worry and insecure. Sometimes I thought I have my own issues and I become so depent on him. I don't have really close friend to hang out often with. Only a few and several times. I nag and become needy to him. Now he's not obssessed with me like before, he's still care about me, like he doesn't stand knowing me alone at home or pyshically hurting. But that he's not interested spending time with me like before. He's not initiating the dates and I almost the one asking for. But he's still invites me to his family occasion which whenever we break up he cut me in his life for several weeks ( which is good indicator that he accept me in his life again). And he still do things that he promised to me, he's kind of man who always make a promised only when he feels sure he can do it. Like yesterday he's so tired and not so healthy but he still pick me up for dinner with his fam,instead he can stay at home and take a rest.From what I feel when we met, he still care and sweet to me. But when I'm asking for his feeling for me, he told me his feeling has less than before. He's now want to spend more time finding friends as before I'm so controlling to him and he left his friend zone. I can fully understand this, but I don't know why I feel like I'm abandoned by him. I feel sad all the time when we don't meet. I know he's now trying hard to make more connection with other people to have a better chance to start his own business. Before I know he's trying hard to find more money because he want to marry me and make sure he has good financial condition for that. But now, I'm not sure because when I ask him what's his motivation to gain money now he said to travelling. When I asked him am I still in his future plan? He said he doesn't know. Then I asked him does he feel unsure about me? He said he's not unsure about me, but its about himself. He afraid that he can't make me happy as we always argue all the time. But I'm not sure he's being honest telling me that, because yesterday he invites me to have a dinner with his family. After that, he's sweet and caring like usual, and then I asked him about his feeling to me, he said, what do I think? I said I feel that he still love me like before but I want an assurance from him. And what a suprise he told me of course if I ask him, he's going to tell me no, but I can feel it by myself he said. Now he bcome less patience and easily insulted and angry. But when I treat him gently and pamper him he is loving me like usual. He's just losing his patience over me. My friends told me he's trying to make me feel insecure to take control over me as he's feeling insecure about my feeling to him because of my rejection before. When I told him I love him so much, he said yes, and he's now concern on gaining money as much as he can, then I ask him for what? He said he wants to try, and I ask him what's the connection I tell him I love him and he wants to gain more money? He said he don't know and laugh about it. I don't understand what he thinks and what should I do? Does he still love me? Why he told me everything like I'm not his priority anymore but treat me like usual? And he's now less patience to me. What should I do to make our relationship deeper and stronger? Please give me advice.. Thanks before :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're right. I think you describe it perfectly. I'm sure I want to be with him and I want to try to fix things up but I'm confuse where and how to start? What to do? Before I'm a spoilt girlfriend for him. I nag and jealous a lot. Now I want to try to have more patience and make him happy as I can. But I don't know what should I do. I want to be more mature and accompany him in bad and good times. But I don't know how to do so.Any advice and idea? Do you think he still loves me? Do you think he still want to marry me? For 5 years he treated me well. Could people just change totally and be permanent? I'm scared he will become like this forever. I wish we can be just like we use to be.. Although he still care and treated me well when we met. Maybe he stressed out and more concern about his job and financial problem. Please advice me.. Thank you..
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're right. I think you describe it perfectly. I'm sure I want to be with him and I want to try to fix things up but I'm confuse where and how to start? What to do? Before I'm a spoilt girlfriend for him. I nag and jealous a lot. Now I want to try to have more patience and make him happy as I can. But I don't know what should I do. I want to be more mature and accompany him in bad and good times. But I don't know how to do so.
Any advice and idea? Do you think he still loves me? Do you think he still want to marry me? For 5 years he treated me well. Could people just change totally and be permanent? I'm scared he will become like this forever. I wish we can be just like we use to be.. Although he still care and treated me well when we met. Maybe he stressed out and more concern about his job and financial problem. Please advice me.. Thank you..
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (12 October 2014):
I think you have posted about this lots of times already (this chap also got a tattoo that you're not happy with, right?), and you've already had lots of great advice. Have you listened to any of that?
It seems like you are upset that your boyfriend isn't as into you as he was, but frankly that is not a surprise. You ripped his heart out when you ended it, and you hurt him in a way he never thought you could. Now you've decided you made a mistake, and you're expecting things to go back to normal right away? Not a chance.
He is smart in keeping you at arms length at the moment. He is protecting his heart incase you suddenly decide you don't want him any more. In his head, if you did it once before then you could do it again. It's up to you to fix the damage you did. You need to show him that you're sorry, that you love him and want to be with him, and that you respect his need for space and time before he can start to forgive him. Stop putting so much pressure on him to behave as he did before, as you will push him away. You are the one who broke the relationship, so you are the one who needs to put the effort in to fix it. He's probably testing you to see how serious you are about wanting him back.
Which incidentally, you need to think about. Are you sure that the reasons that lead to your break up have been resolved? Or is it the attention and subsequent ego boost you miss? It's hard when you see a person moving on from a break up, even if you wanted it at the time. It hurts the ego and sometimes makes you want to try again to prove the other person still wants and desires you. Be honest with yourself - is that what's happening here? If so, then you need to leave him to move on and yourself free to find someone you really love.
I'm kind of inclined to think that this is the reason, as your main issue seems to be that you are not getting the same level of attention from him. It seems like you want him to make you the centre of his universe again, and I don't think that will ever happen. I think he's realised (quite rightly) that he needs friends and hobbies and goals in his life that don't revolve around you. He realised that when you left him with no-one, and he's not going to risk that happening again. This is normal and you need to stop trying to get him to focus all of his attention on you. He is entitled to his own life.
Basically, if you really want him back and want to make it work, then you need to make the effort to prove to him that he's right to trust you again. There is no magic spell that is going to change things back to how they were. However, it could make your relationship stronger in the long run. What you do need to think about though, is whether you really want him or if you're just struggling to accept that he's not infatuated with you any more?
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