A
male
age
30-35,
*aird1231
writes:Hey everybody, how's it going? I used to go on this site years ago when I was desperate for advice, and lately I've been finding myself feeling the same way - hopeless.I'm 21 years old and I just recently ended a relationship with my girlfriend of about 10 months. She was absolutely in love with me and said many times that I am the love of her life. I don't want to paint her as being crazy or excessive in any way, I just wasn't sure if I felt exactly the same way as her.I've been happy with her - happier than I've ever been in a relationship. But when we had an intense argument a couple of weeks ago (one of many consistent arguments), something shifted in my mind and instead of fixing things as quickly as possible, I decided that I needed space to think.I hope you understand that I really do miss her and care about her deeply. It's hard for me to imagine going ahead without her. She has done so much for me - made me a better, more responsible person; made me finally want to settle down with someone; and she has always been there for me whenever things were really crappy. She's sacrificed so much to make me happy.That's why I can't believe that I'm actually willing to let her go. Yesterday, I told her that I wasn't sure if I could match the way she feels about me. Even though she's not rushing me in any way, I know that she sees me as her soul mate. I'm happy with her, but I couldn't shake the feeling that it was wrong of me to keep the relationship going when I'm honestly not as quick to say that she's "the one."Now, I feel absolutely horrible. I miss her so much and I can't stop thinking of all the good times we had. She opened up my world to dating and I can't imagine doing those things with other people. The memories are so incredibly painful and I keep asking myself if I did the right thing by closing off those memories.While I do feel this way, I have to stress that I really felt like breaking up with her was the right thing to do. I don't think I was reciprocating the way she felt, and it seemed unfair to stick around with an unequal relationship like that. I had been thinking about this prior to our argument, but I was always able to convince myself that being happy with her was enough.But despite being happy, whenever I'd be watching lame sitcoms and romantic movies, when they'd say things like "If you have to think about whether or not you've been in love, you haven't," and like "when you can't spend a minute away from that person...when you live and breath for them...you love them."I know these are just cheesy lines, but it would always bother me because it made me realize that I still don't think I've ever felt that way. I actually DO enjoy being alone sometimes, I like playing video games and writing film scripts and doing other introverted things. Sometimes, I'd find myself cancelling plans with her just because I wanted the freedom of being single.I know that all of that is true. But I just don't understand how it could be if I'm missing her this much. This happens to me often during break ups - when I'm in the relationship, I can't scratch the feeling that I need to end it. But when I finally do end it, I can't scratch the feeling that I made the wrong move. My guess is, this is a natural feeling and I need to remain consistent with my decision. But I have this crushing feeling that I need her in my life and I just can't believe I am willing to let her go.I don't know what to do...and even though I have plenty of friends, I'm realizing today that I don't really have anyone to talk to about this kind of stuff anymore. I think that I know things wouldn't work out even if I did try to fix things with her (in fact, this isn't the first time this happened and I did decide to end it again). But even though I know that, I feel so incredibly horrible right now.Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Sorry, I'm sure this is very confusing and inconsistent.
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (13 October 2014):
 You either need her in your life or you don't try taking a break from her for a month and see how it goes. Then you will know.maybe in that time frame she will find out she is not so needy too.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 October 2014):
 You may have different upbringing. You see her loving gestures as sacrifice but maybe she is natural at doing this because that's how she was raised. You wonder how she can make love out of nothing at all when in fact there is no reason to not love. Some people may get bitter and only open up if the other is worth it but she lets herself to be vulnerable. For her, anyone who is able to receive is a soulmate. For you, it has to be the right person, the right feel or maybe it would never be natural for you to be selfless.
I see this as a compatibility issue. Yes you would not longer receive her goodies but you will never feel guilty about not being able to reciprocate.
Have you ever tried to blend in and be more like her? Have she given you a chance to woo her? I just wonder if you ask her to stop doing things for you, would that give you space and ideas of how to make her happy? Do you see yourself being as loving as her, maybe not to her but to another girl? Do you really believe it has to be a certain person that brings out the best in you?
Could it be that the relationship had been too suffocating? Like you spent time too much out of habit? Some men do the permanent break up thing then regret it later when in fact all they needed was to tone down the visits and the intensity.
You were thinking about breaking up again after an intense argument. Perhaps it is better to wait a few days before you could talk calmly again. If after a few days you don't feel any hope maybe it's time to all it quits.
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A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (12 October 2014):
 I can't help but notice that you don't point out any of her qualities, except that she loves you a lot and she sacrificed the world for you. That may explain why you are feeling so horrible, you feel an immense gratitude for her. That is not love, if that is all you feel.It's better to set a person free rather than drag her along until someone else crosses your path who is better for you. If you've been through a lot together I'd expect you feel very connected at least at a friends' level, and it's naturally hard to let go of that. Maybe you can pick up as friends somewhere down the road, if you are both willing later on.You'd probably use your arguments as 'excuse' for deeper conversations, to strengthen your relationship, not as a gate to opt out... if you truly loved her. If you are eager to experiment and see if that feeling you are dreaming of can be awoken by someone else, or if you feel you are missing out by settling so young, nobody can blame you. If you keep looking back though or feed the remorse, you will be stuck between two worlds, that will not do either one of you any good.She seems like a very loving and sweet young lady who obviously invested in the wrong relationship; she deserves a more suitable partner who can feel as lucky to have her as she does. So, I'd say it's best to hurt her now than break an engagement later on. Just make sure you don't confuse her more than needed by reverting your decisions too many times since you say it's not the first time you are breaking up. I would ask her if she wants to stay in touch through the break up process so you can support each other as friends. Try to make this as nice and smooth for her as possible.
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