A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Things between my boyfriend and I haven't been the same since he admitted to kissing another girl while he was on a night out earlier in the year. He kissed her in April and told me in June. To be honest, I couldn't truly believe it was just a kiss because he seemed so upset about it but I valued the fact that he had told me what he had done, and we worked through things and I thought we would get over it. He hasn't been out drinking without me since, and he really truly makes an effort to include me in things that he goes to like the football or gigs ect with his friends. Half the time I don't go, but he always asks.But even though he has been honest and he has been loving, affectionate and just generally a good guy, I really can't stop thinking about this kiss. It's stupid because it was just a kiss, isn't it?I can't help but think was she prettier, thinner...I just can't stop it. I have asked him who it was but he kept saying it doesn't matter who she was, and I guess that is right, it's just I feel like if I knew who she was, I might feel better. I have thought about asking his friends, who he was with that night but, I don't feel comfortable doing so.Should I just get over it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2014): My boyfriend was screwing around before we settled down together. We had been friends for a long time and one day it turned romantic. We had discussed that we were in love with each other and wanted to see where it goes.But even so, for some reason he kept his distance. While he never said he was with other girls he also never said we were exclusive. I found out because he let me borrow his phone one day and I saw text messages with other chicks. I confronted him and he said we were not together. I said, ok. He felt really bad about it and a couple of days later, with tears in his eyes, he apologized for "not committing to me sooner" and we have been fully committed since. He now treats me like a queen. But like you I had trust issues and sometimes wonder if he'll do it again. Or what he is capable of. You have got to make a decision though. To trust or not to trust. Whether to forgive or not. Choose one or the other and stick to it, do not flip flop.I chose to forgive my boyfriend and I choose to trust him. Like Wise Owl says, if he does it again, it is done. And I have my reason's to forgive him. And I am the type who has never forgiven a cheater. You cheat, we're done. In my case, I guess I cannot be mad at him for not being sure if he wanted this relationship. And that is kind of how I see it at this point given how it all unfolded. Why me finding that out made him realize he definitely loved me? I do not know. Maybe it dawned on him that he could lose me and that was the straw that broke the camel's back. And I don't think the "reason" for telling you should matter. Some guy's would deny something like that even with all the evidence in your face. There are some men who you will catch with your own eyes and will tell you that you are seeing things. So even with the dishonesty there is some honesty. He probably genuinely feels badly.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2014): I asked the question here.
He came home one day and seemed stressed, after an hour or so he sat me down and said he needed to tell me something, and that is how he told me. I had no idea it had gone on until then.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (12 October 2014):
I'm not sure whether you should just "get over it" or not. Since he seems so contrite, maybe you should if you really love him. Others will say that any sort of unfaithfulness is a total deal breaker. I dunno, but I will say this...If you want to "get over it" and continue seeing your b/f, don't be fooled into thinking that "I feel like if I knew who she was, I might feel better" (your words)If you find out that it's someone you know and like - you'll feel cheated and betrayed by two people. (How could he do that to me?? How could SHE do that to me??)If you find it's someone you know and dislike - you will feel even more betrayed by your boyfriend. ("How COULD he?? He knows how much I hate her, why did he choose her?? Didn't he think that she was only doing it to hurt me?? etc etc)If it's someone you really don't know, then you really won't know whether to feel better or not. You won't know whether she's slimmer or prettier. You'd have to resort to asking his mates.And what if you do ask his mates (who probably won't tell you anyway)? If they point out someone who IS slimmer and prettier (or at least you THINK is slimmer and prettier), will you feel better knowing the truth then? Would you still be able to forgive him?Or if they point out a complete fat ugly old trout, will you feel better then? Or will you think "OMG! How could he?? How could he jeopordise everything we have together for THAT??"The only time I was ever able to move on from an episode similar to this and forgive my boyfriend was by chosing to trust what he said and not know the full details.But you have to decide that for yourself
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (12 October 2014):
 I need to know a very important fact you left out of your question...
What caused him to confess? Did you catch him or question him? Did this girl pursue him wanting to continue? Did he just do it on his own because it was killing him not to be honest?
The answer to this question means everything to my advice.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (12 October 2014):
 No, it's not just stupid because it was "just" a kiss. You "just" kiss your mom goodbuy and hello but you don't "just" kiss another girl. I think it's stupid all over the place. He's the stupidest of all. So later on in life, he's going to tell you well, 'she's just a little bit pregnant"? I'd advise to dump the two-timer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2014): It must be very difficult for you and it is a horrible situation. It sounds as if you have decided to stay with him. If this is the case, you do need to learn to forgive and just as importantly, forget. You need to forget, or put it to the back of your mind as much as you can, so that you aren't constantly upsetting yourself over this.Of course your boyfriend was completely wrong for kissing someone else. However, I imagine he was drunk. It may have just been an automatic action and not a romantic one. This girl meant nothing, she could have been the ugliest or prettiest girl there and he probably can't remember or didn't care at the time.The point is it was a mistake like any other and it involved no emotion. Learn to forget to help yourself if you want to stay with him. He was weak but it is a very easy thing to do when you're drunk and if he's learnt his lesson and is truly sorry it is probably worth forgiving and, as you put it, just getting over.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2014): Well, this is a test of trust and endurance of your relationship. If you don't try your best to deal with it, you'll make it harder for him to be honest with you. There is no doubt that he crossed the line; but he wanted you to know that he can be honest about it and he rather you hear it from him instead of one of his friends.
It takes time to absorb these things; but please don't feel this reflects on you in any way. It was he who did something stupid; and it is he who has to regain your trust. Try to give him a chance; he is trying hard. Most guys either don't tell you, or build a huge lie around it. You don't want to know who she is; it will only make you feel worse. I'm not making light of how this makes you feel. Imagine catching your boyfriend of nearly six years in-bed with somebody else! I did. We were able to work that out, and our relationship survived another 20 years! I based it on his past record as a loving, faithful, good man. He made a slip. It took time, but I'm a forgiving person. I was pissed as all get out; but I gave him the chance to make it up without punishing him indefinitely.
I hope he is able to make it up to you. If he has been a good boyfriend except for this one time; don't give-up on him. Just let him know he has only this one chance. He will never ever get another.
My best to you!
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