A
male
age
30-35,
*atinomusicus
writes:So I come here often for advice, so I am here again.This is something that has bothered for me for a long time. I am gay, and I am totally okay with it. But I seem to be very effeminate. I have always thought of myself as masculine, but my friends tell me that they can tell I am gay from far way....I dress like a guy, and I even sport a beard. Again, I have always viewed myself as masculine, so I am not trying to change because of what people say, but because I feel it is not really me when I act effeminate. Whenever I see a guy on a movie or whatever, I always picture myself as being that masculine. I know this questions is kinda weird, but what should I do to be more 'masculine"? I need to work on my voice, mannerism, and walk. Please don't tell me is okay to be effeminate and that there's nothing wrong with it and to just embrace it. I am okay with other guys being effeminate, but I just don't feel like I am really me by being effeminate. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2013): It seems you already have some vision of the masculine you want to embody. Roll with it. Identify some of the traits you would like to have more of. If you don’t have a list, Google search masculine traits or even go as far as looking into/thinking about at what kind of traits the broad spectrum of people or professions where masculine traits are embodied – male business leaders, club bouncers, managers, bikers, doctors, managers, aspiring mafia bosses, cops, characters in movies, whatever. Next I suggest coming up with specific behaviors and specific situations where you can work on the traits you want to develop. The goal is to be able to practice this in everyday life and also in situations you expect to encounter in the near future. Here are some areas I have worked on, however, I am a straight man:Eye contact – It definitely helps to have strong but relaxed eye contact most of the time. Do it more. When people are talking, look at them strait in the eye or around the eye-nose-lips-eyebrows area. go for strong eye contact and for slightly longer periods. For example, when your talking and you pause, hold eye contact during your pauses. When you are talking for extended periods, look away for brief second to avoid staring. Try out different combinations and with multiple people until you become comfortable with your personal pattern.Body language – Being more relaxed, head to toe often projects confidence. Often just slowing down your walk projects confidence. So does moving your arms and body slowly and with more assurance (less “reactive” body language and more towards the side of “I am moving my arms and body to aid in expressing myself”) . Remove unnecessary fidgeting or sudden movements. Widening your stance, arms out on the side and front also projects masculinity. So does leaning slightly back more, leaning in only temporary and then immediately back out to the confident, wide body stance. Removing hesitation in movement helps hugely. Being confident in your walk, that is, walking with purpose and as if you always have a place to go. Voice – Pacing your speaking, not to fast not to slow. Slow down if you like. Use more pauses for emphasis. In fact, experiment using pauses to add effect. That is, pause and make eye contact to signal you would like the other person to speak or pause. I would even go as far as to bask in periods of silence. I have found being totally at ease with extended periods of silence is a great skill to learn. Leadership and Leading – Always be leading. This is synonymous with being masculine. Can you volunteer to take the lead on small project at work? If yes, go for it. Leading when with friends, social gathering and on dates is massively attractive. Decisiveness – This goes with the above. Make decisions at every opportunity you get. Small decisions, big decisions, decisions at work, travel decisions, food decisions. Then focus on removing hesitation. Over time you will become confident being decisive. Then think about how to handle situations where you make the wrong decision or things don’t turn out as you intended. Don’t stop being decisive but instead focus on handing outcomes and challenges with more calm, less hesitation and personal confidence in your choices.I see you don’t have an issue in believing you are a masculine man. I do believe going out and practicing specific desired traits will be effective in changing behavior. Ask yourself “How can I apply and practice a masculine trait into this situation?” “How can I practice today and in this circumstance?”You can pick 1-3 traits at a time and practice. Next week pick another trait. Come back and practice the first trait another day. Keep practicing until you have reached the level you want to see with yourself in the areas you like.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2013): Hello, I am in my early twenties and consider myself a masculine man. I have always enjoyed activities associated with typical "manliness". Maybe trying to find new hobbies and interests will get you in touch with your more masculine side. Some examples: camping, hunting shooting, slapping steaks on the grill, hiking, tailgating. watching sports with the guys, drinking beer and smoking cigars., trying different types of whiskey and finding out how they are made. I even started brewing my own beer and shaving with a straight razor. These things are therapeutic for me and its cool knowing Men have been doing these things for centuries. Try and think of strong masculine figures in your life like your grandpa, and imitate them. C'mon no one is more of a man than your great grandpa who fought in the war. Check out theartofmanliness.com its got a bunch of stuff one there. And remember no one is manlier than Ron Swanson from Parks & Recreation, watch some clips and take notes from him. Hope these tips helped!
...............................
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (27 October 2013):
Dear OP,
.. so, you don't want to hear the "love yourself" advice..okay.. I was actually going to tell you that, because I think effeminate men are a rare and beautiful species (that I'd like to protect from extinction;)).
Anyway. I think all of us have masculine and feminine aspects and it's absolutely okay to train your masculine side.. as long as you don't forget that the qualities you have, the things you picked up, aren't all bad. It's about to find the balance and learning something new, not denying important parts of yourself.
Well, how do you learn those "masculine" things? I guess it's imitation. Just as you picked up your mom's mannerisms, you can pick up some dude's mannerisms too.
I "learned" to be a feminine woman by taking dance lessons, acting like other feminine girls, getting advice from my girlie friends.. of course I didn't do that on much purpose, just by the way, through adolescence and early adulthood.
You can also learn masculinity in that way, I guess. Observe men you find masculine and see what they do. How do they sit? Walk? Talk?
I guess that "masculine" behavior is kind of relaxed to the point of lazy. And dominant (think of a male lion). So, if you sit down, you put your feet on the ground, legs apart, slightly slouched- taking your space. If you walk, you don't rush, you go as slow as you feel-taking your time. If you talk, you talk in a relaxed voice, maybe slightly slower than you're used to, and don't make too many words. Excitement, enthusiasm, shyness, hesitation, carefulness and so on are rather traditionally associated with femininity. So, no sudden movements, not too much display of emotions.
Maybe it would also help to do something that is associated with masculinity. Having a typical "male" hobby. Like, I don't know.. car-tuning? Football?
...............................
A
male
reader, latinomusicus +, writes (27 October 2013):
latinomusicus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your answers, but again, it is not that I don't love myself, I do, but I want to make changes in my life so I can live the way I want to. I didn't really had my dad when I was younger, I would always be with my mom. I feel like i picked a lot of her mannerisms as growing up. I don't think being gay dictates how effeminate and masculine you should be. I not trying to say I want to be completely masculine, but I just want to be maybe somewhere in the middle. I don't identify myself as an effeminate man, but when I see videos of me, I see how effeminate I am.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2013): I think you'd be acting at first if you put on affectations of a deeper voice, more swaggering walk and mannerisms, etc. Eventually, I think they would become part of you, and would project the image you feel that you already are inside. Taking testosterone wouldn't necessarily help things like that, although gay men often do have somewhat lower levels of testosterone than straight men...mannerisms have to do more with habit, I believe. Sometimes what is inside and what is outside don't align. Since I grew up in a very Southern environment where girls/women acted like false airheaded ditzes with mincing little walks and hyena laughs all too often, I wasn't really aware of deepening my voice and affecting more of a 'stalk' rather than a 'mince,' until I was told in my early twenties that I acted like a dude sometimes. Of course, I am a straight woman who has always viewed herself as feminine, but to distance myself from the horrible fakeness of what I grew up with, I unconsciously projected something different. The only way that I changed this, eventually, was to lighten up my voice and mimic ladies on catwalks, until, eventually, those new mannerisms melded with what I'd done since adolescence. It may take a while, but conditioning runs deep. Maybe your mannerisms were developed to distance yourself from what you find undesirable in heterosexual "manly man" culture. Who knows? Watch videos of guys that you consider masculine, and mimic them in a mirror. Voice, hand gestures, stance, everything. Do this for several months. Have friends watch you and judge your performance. Eventually it won't be a performance, and you'll even out into a happy medium. :)
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (27 October 2013):
 you're correct the whole question seems a little wierd. be true to thine ownself. If you act over the top gayish some folks like it others don't what do you care?
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 October 2013):
 I suppose you are somewhat gender dysmorphic, the body matches who you are inside but not your voice and your mannerisms. This is something new. A lot of people take hormones because they want to become the other gender, while you want to be more like the gender assigned to you. This is not something a layman can give advice on. I think hormones is the only thing that changes you without making you feel like you are acting.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 October 2013):
 Sadly you have to be true to yourself and who you are and how you speak and move...
ACTING Lessons would help you ACT more masculine but it would not MAKE you more masculine.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (27 October 2013):
 OK so you're considered effeminate. If you try to be more masculine then you WILL be acting.
It's not who you are and surely you don't want to spend the rest of your life being something that you're not.
You are who you are and I think you should accept yourself for who you are.
You can change your image, your outward appearance, by lifting weights and developing a very strong physique, you can learn to walk with a manly gait, you can train your voice to be deeper and gruffer but you can't change your personality and mannerisms, you can only pretend to be something you're not.
I don't think that spending every day of your life pretending to be someone your not will make you happy.
I think you need to learn to love who you are.
I hope this helps AB x
...............................
|
