A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hello, please help me!I've been living with my bf for over a year now, and we're very happy and very much in love. so far so good. We've been thinking of moving back to a city near his family and I wouldn't mind that, since I've lived in the city before and loved it. But my bf has a family farm, and he wants the living in the city just being a step on the way to then go live on that farm and become a farmer. The house is really big and divided into two houses with two sets of kitchens etc and he wants his parents to keep living in the family house together with us. I feel very uncomfortable with the idea though. I've been to the house a couple of times and I can't say I like it. I don't like the location, and I don't like the exterior nor the interior. I like his parents, they are really kind and everything, but I really really really don't feel like living in the same house as them! I would feel watched and like I'm in the way all the time, I know it's silly, but I really think that's how I would feel. And I also think my mum would feel left out if we lived with his parents. My bf thinks the solution to this is to build a little cottage on farm so she can live there. But I'm not sure if she would want or maybe she just wouldn't agree to it. I think she would feel like she didn't belong there since it's my in laws family farm. I've asked her and she has said it would be nice to live so close, but most of the time she has just said no, no, no. I think that if we were able to build a cottage and my mum would agree to live next door I could live there, but I 'm really not sure my mum would agree. She would just feel like she made trouble for me. I've already from the beginning made quite clear I didn't want to move there, but it's my bf dream, and he can't just let it go. I feel like it would be like betraying myself to agree to living there since I promised myself over and over that I would never ever agree to it, since I didn't want to live there. But I don't want to lose him! I really love him, but I'm just not sure I'm willing to sacrifice everything for him. We've tried to work out other solutions but we've only come up with either move in to his family house or we find a different house close by and move into or we split. The idea with moving into a different house close by is just a compromise on all sides. And I feel that if he's gonna be a farmer on his family farm and live in a house somewhere else it's just wrong. and he would eventually move into the family farm anyway (he has told me). So actually the choice, as I see it, is: family farm or split up. True there's also the solution to move to the city and wait and see, but that feels more like avoiding the problem and saving it for later. So what should I do? Move to the city and wait? Agree to moving to his farm? Or break up with him? Please help, I really don't know.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 May 2010):
 Yes,that's a difficult one.
I can only give you my personal opinion, well aware that many people think it differently.
If really there's no workable compromise- you'll have to split up.
I'd like to tell you that "Amor vincit omnia " ( Love conquers everything )but it's not really true.
Sooner or later,you reach a stage in life when you know who you are,what you like, what's your vision of life- and you can't change that .
I am a city person. I love the hustle and bustle of a big city- I have never been happier than when I lived in New York. I am not much of a social butterfly yet I love knowing that just outside my door there are theatres and restaurants and bars. In theory if I were really in love I should be able to live happily with my love on top of a mountain- but I know it would not happen. Why ? Because I would get depressed and frustrated and that would inevitably spill over my relationship. It's very difficult to live with a depressed,unfullfilled ,melancholic partner- it would end badly.
Moreover, while it's nice that he has such a strong sense of family and he is so attached to his parents- maybe you do not feel the same. Maybe you are more independent in your relationship with your family and you need more space and distance from relatives.
I know that it's very difficult to decide cold mindedly breaking up with a man you love just because of "technical" factors outside the relationship, and I don't know if you could do it. Nevertheless, I'd really think about it before committing myself to a lifestyle that is not for me.
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