A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a long distance relationship on and off for two years and although im not sure what our future holds, on a day to day level we care for each other and we have fun. We recently split for a few months as the distance was tough and sometimes our lives are so seperate it can be tough to share experiences and relate to each other.We started talking and sort of fell back in together. However thats not so much my worry at the moment but rather that a family member has admitted his absolute disdain for my partner, despite never having met him. And why? Because he has a child. When he started ranting about it I sort of switched off as I thought it was ridculous. He tried to say he just cares for me and doesn't want me to waste my life away. Later on he messaged me to say he's just trying to look out for me and has suggested he thinks im with my partner cause I'm looking for emotional support. He also said how he thinks ill just ignore him and do whatever the hell i want anyway. For me I'm pretty shocked that this family member could be so close minded and well, horrible. He knows nothing about my partner except that he lives far from me and has a child. How can he make that judgement? My family member sees me about twice a year and constantly thinks I'm still a child, all rebelious and I can't make decisions. I used to sort of believe that I might be like that but then I grew up and realised others consider me smart and sensible. What should I do? I have a tight family and this sort of falling out will be a huge deal but I'm also not going to give up on someone cause of someone elses problem.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2014): Thanks for your answers, I appreciate them. For a moment there I wondered if my idea of reality had gone a miss. The relative is actually my older brother so I guess he's got that protective older brother syndrome. We have always been quite close but since we've got older we see each other less because of life etc. but we still talk every few weeks. I think the thing that upset me was that I thought as my brother he would respect and support my choices if it made me happy.I messaged him before I read your answers and funnily enough it was pretty similar. I messaged him back simply saying that I'm happy, that we won't agree on everything and if it goes wrong I'll accept it as my own mistake. You're all awesome!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 July 2014):
 I agree with Janniepeg , I fnd a bit curious that a relative you only see twice a year should even be informed about the details of your love life, leave alone being so involved in it as to feel entitled censuring it. There's being a tight family, and then there's being too tight for comfort...
Anyway - no need to wage war, you could answer : "Thank you, relative, I know that your concern about my relationsihip comes from a place in your heart of deep affection for me, and I appreciate that. Nevertheless, you know I am a competent adult now, not the rebellious child whom you used to know :). I have to make my own decisions, my own choices, right or wrong they may end up resulting , and seek my happiness based on what my criteria for a good partner are. These criteria may not match yours. Please accept that, and , if you can't share my opinion about who's a good partner for me, I am sure nevertheless you can be happy that I AM happy . Love, XYZ ".
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A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (17 July 2014):
 If you only see Charlie boy cousin or whoever he is twice per annum I wouldn't worry. If YOU are happy with a LDR with a chap with child then that's your choice. You are 30 plus, not 17 ;-)
Mark
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (17 July 2014):
 I don't know why you will have a fallout due to who you date. I am not sure why a man having a child is considered a problem. At your age it's hard to date a man who's childless and never married. A man close to 40 and unmarried, you have to worry what issues he has that he's never been able to find a partner yet. If I were you I would not tell family members about my personal life, and keep my romantic relationships and family relationships separate. Your family seems to love control over what others do. Just because your family has this tradition of knowing everything about everybody does not mean you have to continue doing so. If you are more assertive and independent then comments made by a closed minded person shouldn't even bother you. Even if the relationship with that guy doesn't work out it's still none of his business to interfere.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 July 2014):
 "Aw, dear [annoying family member's name], thank you so much for sharing your feelings and opinions about my life. I know this is coming from a place of love and support, so I feel really good about letting you know what's going on with me.
I have this feeling that you perhaps might think that I'm still a child and rebellious and unable to make decisions. Perhaps because of my age? My status in the family? I'm not sure why I get that feeling.
Anyway, I do want to let you know that I have read your message to me and I want to let you know that I am really happy with my relationship. He's a good man. I know that he has a child from a previous relationship. I'm comfortable with that, I love this child and this man and it makes me extremely uncomfortable and unhappy to even discuss this with you.
I guess what I'm trying to convey in my clumsy way is that I know we are a tight knit family and that this sort of problem is a big deal. I guess I'm just saying that I'm not going to give up on this man and his child, both of whom I love, because you feel uncomfortable about it."
Or I would simply ignore him.
"Yes, I have heard that Adam was unhappy about my relationship. I don't really know why but suffice it to say that it isn't my problem and I'm not going to give up on Aiden because Adam was uncomfortable."
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