A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a great online friendship been going on about 18 months now, we are good friends have lots of chats and fun.Earlier this year I was out of work and he was very supportive of me cheering me up and just being there for me to chat when I was down.Yesterday we had a chat about [a provider of DVD-by-mail and streaming video on demand in the UK which since has been merged with another provider] and I said I had cancelled it because couldn't afford when I was unemployed. I said was either that or eat (bit jokey really).Well he said he was pissed off because he had asked at the time if I needed money, said he was shocked that I would go without rather than ask him for help! Said he was trying to be a friend.Now he hasn't replied to my message even though he read it so obviously not talking to me.I was a bit taken aback really, I mean I appreciate the sentiment behind it but I would never ask for money. And from an online friend I've never met in real life! Who would do that? Is he right to be angry with me or is it me?
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (17 July 2014):
 Very interesting. I have a question for you - in the past 18 months, how much of the conversations you have with him are about him cheering you up or you talking about your problems or him giving you advice, being a good listener, or in some way inducing you to get into deep conversations regarding things that cause you pain?
Looks like you found a bonafide codependent who gets his ego scratched by being your hero to the point of losing it whenever you don't see him as your savior/messiah/knight in shining armor. His ego was wounded, and now he's showing you the very unhealthy side of this seemingly harmless mental issue. He gets off on being your hero...your misery (and his being your answer) is being fed off of by him to meet his own emotional needs, which for him is a substitute for actual intimacy. Being an emotional vampire feeding off of the neediness of others keeps the person doing it from having to have a true relationship with someone, and it's especially harmful to the object of the vampire because he NEEDS you to not be well. He NEEDS you to look to him. That's the big string and the big danger.
He'll go nuts if you "get better" or do the healthy thing and face adult issues like making budgeting choices, which yours is very mature by the way. He wants to be your knight, and fix the problem while making you dependent on him. The fact that you didn't threatens your need of him, which is exactly why he flipped out.
It's a good thing for you that he showed his true colors like this, because emotional codependent vampires actually LOOK like they'd be healthy for you, meeting your needs, being your ear, and it feels good to have someone so interested in what you deal with in life. But in the long run, unless he realizes that his issues are very unhealthy, he'd suck you dry emotionally, trying in subtle ways to keep you needing him because of the magnificent ego burst his being the hero gives him. Your need is his heroin.
In short, you're right not to ask, and do NOT chase him down anymore. If he stops talking to you, consider yourself extremely lucky. If he starts talking, you need to be clear that your relationship isn't based on him meeting your physical, emotional, or financial needs, and it's unhealthy.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 July 2014):
 I agree with Tisha and WiseOwlE
It is a HUGE red flag that he throws a fit you didn't ask for money. And NEVER accept money from someone you DO NOT know in person, specially for something as TRIVIAL as "netflix" (or whatever supplier you used... THAT is the smart thing.
Do buy stuff you can't afford. If he gets mad because YOU are being FINANCIALLY smart, then there is something seriously wrong.
So to answer your question, NO he has NO right to be mad.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2014): Under no circumstances do you offer, or take money from people online. You don't know what kind of strings are attached. Nor can you be certain where that money is coming from.
You're only online friends. That's not the same as people who regularly see each other in-person, and intermingle your lives.
Let him be angry, and get over himself. You're making more sense than he does. offering money to people online is not smart. I don't care how long you've known him. You are "virtual" friends. Not people who intimately know each other.
Nothing breaks up good friendships faster, than lending money.
If he has cut you off, that's unfortunate. Go find some "real-life" friends.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (16 July 2014):
 Nobody should ever lend money or give cash to someone they have never met in real life. Especially with so many scams online trying to extort money out of innocent people. Only a fool would provide money to someone they don't actually know in the real world, regardless of how long you have talked for online. I could understand him being angry if you had asked him for money, but being angry because you didn't? What on earth?!
This is the trouble with not knowing someone in the real world. You never really know what they are like behind closed doors or what issues or problems they are hiding. He sounds like he is controlling, feels in some way spurned because you didn't turn to him and now is acting like a stroppy adolescent.
Clearly he has issues. Stay well clear.
Mark
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 July 2014):
 I think that's a red flag. That he gets angry and then goes silent after a nice friendship? That's manipulative.
I would be very circumspect and careful if you do start talking to him again.
Maybe this is a sign that the friendship is drawing to its natural and inevitable end.
It is certainly a very strong reaction to something he should have no concern with.....
Nope, doesn't feel good to me, I'd ignore him and best, block him from now on.
And spend more time in real life with real friends. Stay off the sites you normally use where he can see you and get on with your new life!
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 July 2014):
 People have the right to feel whatever they want, but to direct that anger at you is not right. It did not mean you did something wrong by not asking him or considering him as a friend. It's your choice to cancel membership and not to rely on anybody. He was pissed because he felt that you lied and that he was not worth the truth from you. It hurt his feelings that you don't consider him as a friend to ask for help. I would say a socially inept person would do that. He feels safe to have a distant friendship. This is as close as he could get, probably what he's used to, and he doesn't understand that other people do not see it as serious as he does. He thought you were just passing time with him, while he regard you more highly than that. The money thing made him realize that in your eyes he has very little importance in your life.
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