A
female
age
41-50,
*ouisaMatthews
writes:Please help me gain perspective on this I don’t know what to do.My boyfriend and I don’t live together, although he stays at my flat every night.For the most part, we are very happy together – have loads of fun times out and family times etc but we are both stubborn and quick to temper.I’ll admit sometimes arguments are my fault – I get jealous of his ex who he has two kids with and I do trust him, but sometimes I just have a little dig. But this is not all the time and generally I let him do his thing etc, and never question him. His kids adore me and he has said that I am a good mother figure to them.Well this weekend we got into a row because his ex’s sister ignored me in a pub and I was calling her horrible names. The argument escalated and he did what he always does – leaves and goes home to his mother’s for the night. The nxt day he rung me and we met and talked and he said he can’t cope with me bringing up his past all the time. I agreed to deal with my insecurities. He has also had a very bad neck the last few days, on Monday when he came round he warned me that he was feeling rough. He didn’t kiss or cuddle me all evening and wasn’t in a good mood. I just ignored it and got on with it thinking he’s not in the mood. Then Tuesday was the same but I carried on being normal with him and trying not to let it bother me. Then yesterday I emailed him at work to ask how he was and he said he felt sick and really ill so I rung him Doctors and made him an emergency appointment. He was a bit unsure at first but went along to his appointment and was told he has whiplash. He was ok after that cause he said he felt relieved he knew what the problem was. Well anyway he came round last night before he went out with his friends and didn’t again try and hug me (he often does this for days after a row as he said it takes him a long while to get over it) – then he saw I had a grumpy face so said come here and gives a cuddle – by this time I felt hurt and angry and said “oh you wanna cuddle me now do you” – well he immediately turned it round on me and said why can’t you just accept that I’m feeling better now and not throw it in my face that I haven’t given you affection. So we made up yet again – he went off to meet his mates. Late last night he came round to mine (I was in bed) and I could hear his Weed grinder making a noise so I went out to the kitchen and there he was trying to get the last bits out the grinder. I’m ashamed to say I went mad and said “you lying cheating bastard!!” cause he had promised me on the Sunday he was going to quit for the sake of our relationship. Then he said he was only having the bits out of it and that it shouldn’t be a problem to me as there’s hardly anything in the grinder for him to smoke etc, etc. I tried explaining why I was upset and said I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said lying cheating b*** but you did go behind my back to do it, despite promising you wouldn’t. Well anyway he went to bed and I followed and we didn’t touch each other. This morning he left to work without saying goodbye knowing that I hate this and then sent me and email an hour ago saying:I’m sorry I left without saying good bye but what you said to me last night was horrible. I wouldn’t speak to my enemy like that. Yes I have been cold the last few days but I would have thought you’d understand that I am not very well at the moment, but instead it’s all about how you are feeling all the time. You seem like you are determined to make me finish with you. I’m not happy at the moment, I do love you but I can’t take the arguments, I am going to have a few days on my own to think about things and I suggest you do the same cause I’m not going to sacrifice my happiness but I don’t want to lose you.So I rung him in tears and begged him to come and see me tonight, promising that I will not argue with him and will change my ways. He took a lot of persuading but in the end he has said that he will come round, but now I feel so hurt that he was prepared to stay away.What should I do? I feel heartbroken and don’t know whether I am in the wrong or he is?
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at work, heartbroken, his ex, in the mood, jealous Reply to this Question
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (8 September 2011):
 Gosh you two are very bad for each other - one person suffering from depression and the other a drug addict? That is not a good combination!
It is very well known that smoking weed causes paranoia, so that will be a big part of his behaviour. Then with your depression you will quite rightly be struggling to deal with and get better from, and obviously depression will have a massive affect on your relationship.
All I can say is that neither of you are ready for this relationship and well enough to be together - you are bringing out the worst in each other, making each other's illnesses worse and overall this relationship is toxic for the pair of you.
What you should do, but again I doubt you will listen - break up and take the time out to get better. You cant be in this relationship whilst you are still suffering from depression, and he cant be in this relationship whilst he is addicted to smoking weed. Until you have both dealt with your illnesses and fully recovered this relationship is never going to work. Breaking up is the only thing you can do to make this better, and perhaps in time, once you are both better, you can come back to each other and give it another try.
But I'm sure because you love him (and all the usual crap that needy insecure people come out with) you cant break up with him, so you will carry on in this destructive cycle, making each other's illnesses worse and never getting better. The best thing you can do for yourself and for him is to break up for the foreseeable future, but that would take a lot of courage and inner strength to do that. Because of the depression and your insecurities you are clinging onto him and blinded by the illness so you cant actually see how bad this relationship is and how bad you are together. The fact you fight over a cat getting more attention, and you cant stop verbally attacking people....it is a bit of a joke really, this is not what relationships should be like.
A couple should bring out the best in each other, be happy together and be secure in their feelings for each other. You have none of this whatsoever, that really should tell you something about the state of this relationship. You both need the time out to recover from your illnesses, you cant be in a relationship when as an individual you are not well. If you combine two unwell individuals, you have a destructive relationship that is only going to compound the problems the individuals had in the first place.
I hope this gives you something to think about, and I hope for both of your sakes you wake up and realise how damaging this relationship is to both of you and you simply cannot carry on.
A
female
reader, LouisaMatthews +, writes (8 September 2011):
LouisaMatthews is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh and I meant to say - I didn't get verbally abusive with his ex's sister in the restuarant, it was actually after we left that I said to him that she was a rude and ignorant so and so and a few other choice words.
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A
female
reader, LouisaMatthews +, writes (8 September 2011):
LouisaMatthews is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh and I am seeing a CBT Therapist. But he is not interested in disecting my relationship as he says he can only help me with things which are not really there (and I think they are) and he feels I have a right to feel insecure in a relationship with a man who has all the baggage and I have none, but says ultimately I must make the choice whether I want to be with a man that smokes pot and whose got two kids and an ex-girlfriend in the picture.
I agree with you all I shouldn't have said bad stuff about his ex's sister to him. But the fact is who doesn't sometimes let off steam to their partner. It's not like he has no insecurities, which he does - MANY:
- sometimes complains that I am distant when I have been to my friends as he thinks I have a better time with them.
- Gets angry with me if I haven't washed the pots up (it's actually my flat and he stays without paying a bean cause all his money goes to her)just cause he cooks every night.
- Constantly saying to me "you're getting bored of me aren't you" and I have reassure him that I am not but I do not like his pot smoking every day.
An inspite of all this I actually DO love him.
I am so lost right now.
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A
female
reader, LouisaMatthews +, writes (8 September 2011):
LouisaMatthews is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm sorry i don't mean to come across as defensive but he actually has a very similar way of losing it with me if I do something which makes him jealous. For example, the other weekend we were in a restuarant and he accused me of eyeing the waiter up (I knew him that's all) and he threatened to walk out the restuarant and didn't calm down until I told him the guy was not my type.(which was the truth)
Yes I agree I am out of order when I attack people verbally and I have been trying to stop this. I had stopped it and saturday was the first incidence in a long, long time.
Also he will get equally insecure and angry if I have not hardly come near him for a cuddle all night too. The other week I was having problems at work and really worried about finding another job. He knew this cause I had spoken to him about it, but all he did was complain that I wasn't giving him enough attention as I was on my laptop looking for jobs.
I suffer from depression and if I am feeling down and miserable, he wants me to "snap out of it" cause it's making him depressed. Talk about selfish.
I do everything for him and HIS kids. I help pay for our days out etc and I make one mistake where I use harsh words and you'd think all of my good deeds never happened.
Do you think he would have rung the doctors for me if I was feeling ill? No. And he would have been especially angry if I'd been complaining about pain and refusing to go (like he did)yet I rung because I was worried about him.
He was actually more angry that he'd walked out the flat this morning and I hadn't rung him to ask why he'd done it - even though he knows I take an hours drive to work each day - I could have an accident or anything and he'd have to live with it on his conscience that he never said goodbye. I would never let someone I love drive a distance without saying goodbye I love you.
I only gave you half the details really.
He is chronic everyday weed smoker who gets into moods constantly. Sometimes he has been upset with me cause the cat has more "attention" than him. The other night I left the window open for the cat to comme in and he said (rather grumply) "you don't think about me in that way" and YET when he is feeling ill this week - he can hug and kiss the cat but not me??? Buttttt if i complain about I am selfish and only think of myself????
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (8 September 2011):
Oh my, you sound like a nightmare! How long have you been going out? Sometimes it can take a while to feel secure and settled in a relationship.
Your boyfriend seems a very reasonable person. I think he is right, you are pushing him away. You want to make him break up with you so that you can say to yourself "See - I knew he would break up with me". This is your defenses. Maybe you are insecure from the past, or maybe it is just the way you are, but whatever it is, you need to take ownership of your problem and do all that you can to not take out your negative emotions on your boyfriend.
Jealousy.. insecurity.. they are all very ugly traits and I'm sure you don't want to seem this way to your boyfriend. You need to work on yourself, develop yourself, become happy with yourself. Don't feel afraid of asking your boyfriend for reassurance but understand you can not depend on him entirely for your well being. Invest time in friendships, with friends who help you feel good about yourself. Remember that life, love, relationships.. these things don't last forever, and you should make the most of your time together.. life is for enjoying, not for these horrible kind of dramas.
Stop with the "who's in the wrong" relationships aren't about that. Apologise for your mistakes, see it as a lesson learnt and MOVE ON. Don't get hung up on past arguments, just let it go.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (8 September 2011):
Sorry to say this but I agree with Rescuer - you are in the wrong I'm afraid.
As Rescuer said, just because the ex's sister was ignoring you doesnt mean you have the right to call her names, that is plain rude, spiteful, immature and nasty. If she ignores you, then just ignore her back, there is no point in letting someone so insignificant get to you like that. I'm not surprised you had a row about that, I bet your boyfriend was very embarassed you acted that way and he had every right to be annoyed with you.
With his illness as well you have been very insensitive, when you are ill you are never at your best and you should make allowances for this, after all you are supposed to love and care about this man so if you really do, you would accept he isnt feeling great and not take every little thing so personally.
Smoking weed is definitely a bad thing - that does need to be sorted and you are right to be annoyed about that, but confronting him in the way you did was wrong. Shouting and swearing is never going to solve a problem, you need to learn to control your anger and agression and find new ways to deal with conflict.
Your boyfriend is right, everything you do is all about you and you dont take him into consideration at all. You are pushing him away with your behaviour and clearly he has finally snapped, he's had enough and I dont blame him!
I actually think having a few days away from each other is a good idea - you have a lot of issues that you need to deal with and you can only deal with them alone. He has said he doesnt want to lose you, therefore this is not a break-up, he just needs some space after the way you have behaving and you need the space to reflect on where you have gone wrong.
I doubt you will do this but I suggest you call him and cancel your meeting tonight, telling him that you have realised where you have been going wrong and that he is right, you need a bit of time apart to deal with your own personal issues. Arrange a date next week to meet up and talk, but until that date have no contact. That really is what is best for your relationship right now. You would just have to hope that he doesnt find out that actually he is much happier without you, because you are so demanding, insecure, needy and agressive - he may well discover that you are not worth the hassle.
But fingers crossed he loves you enough to want to stick with you and make it work - but you really need to make some major changes to show him that you are not going to be this crazy lady anymore and you can have a grown up, loving and happy relationship.
I absolutely suggest you seek help from a counsellor or therapist. You have many, many issues that will have deep roots and they need to be addressed with the help of a professional. You can sit alone and think about where you have gone wrong all you want, but you will need help to work out how to move forward and change as a person.
This is going to take a lot of work on your part to fix this, you have pushed him away for quite some time by the sounds of things with your behaviour so it really is going to be hard work to rescue this. Hopefully you follow through on your promise to change, and hopefully he sticks with you long enough to see the results.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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