A
male
age
51-59,
*ourier
writes:My problem is more a regret or if only, I met a girl at our local May fair 19 years ago. We dated for three months before a combination of work and immaturity (on my behalf) brought it to a premature end on my 19th birthday. Work as being away from home and immaturity as not telephoning her when I was away.Although I regret the way things ended between us this is not the problem. After we had been seeing each other a while there was one night we were talking in my car at the local park when she asked me, "What would you say if I told you I love You". I had never been in that situation and felt embarrassed so I said "I don't know". No-one, not even my parents had ever mentioned the 'love word' before this and although I knew I loved her could not bring myself to say it. I have said it since to other people and perhaps to people that I did not even love, but if I could turn the clock back 20 years I would deal with the situation different. This has gone over and over in my head almost from the second after I replied.I am now married to a wonderful woman and have two great kids, whom I worship but I would think and dream about her regularly still. When I got married my wife and I bought a new house in a new development, and guess who lives down the street? Yes it's her, I spoke to her for a few hours around ten years ago at a party for my niece. Although we talked all afternoon, us as an item was never mentioned.I am now selling my house and moving to a different area, so I am not likely to have an opportunity to see her ever again. I do not want to have an affair or anything with her, as far as I am concerned she like I is happily married children, but I would like to talk to her one last time and tell her my only regret in my life was to not tell her I love her. I have so many fond memories from our time together and some things will always be unique to her.What should I do, do I move away without saying goodbye or do I bump into her and invite her for a coffee and a farewell chat to tell her my regret.
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male
reader, courier +, writes (13 June 2007):
courier is verified as being by the original poster of the question Phew this is a great reply from idoneitagain, it is true that as your life progress from one day to the next building blocks are laid to carry you to the next stage. I suppose this is what you mean when you are telling me that this experience helped shape the person I am now.
Yes I have often thought, what if? or if only I had done this (19 years of it). You are correct saying that it could bring up all the feelings of love for her. This is what scares me, would she be horrified that after so many years I still think about her? would I be embarrassed once again? These and numerous other thoughts run around in my head. What would be great is as you said in your reply tell her that I loved her, and let her know, and let her go with my love, and move on with a renewed sense of freedom. Yes that would be nice....
A
male
reader, courier +, writes (13 June 2007):
courier is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks BEEN THERE DONE IT for your sweet and kind words, I know 19 years ago that the girl in question loved me, even although I did not tell her I loved her she most likely knew it. The thought that she would, as you say 'be truly touched' is a nice thought to have and one that I will keep if I do not get in touch with her.
You are also right I would not like if it was my wife that was wanting to tell an old flame something that was not said when they where together, it is something I never gave a thought to and that is very selfish of me.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (13 June 2007):
Our cultre does not openly discuss the many ways in which love can be understood. Some ideas of love are often spoken about, and some are less well understood. Your experience of love with this woman is one of the less well understood and less discussed ones.
Sometimes we meet someone and the love we feel, the inner connection, resonates in us for many years. This woman is one of those people. You should not think back on her as someone you have to be with - the memory of your attraction is only a memory, and I think you know this when you say you don't want to have an affair with her. But, she is someone you love on a deep level, and I think you feel a need to honour that love by letting her know that it is there.
It sounds to me that she is someone who possibly taught you something very important about love, and without her and the lesson she had to show you, you might never have fallen in love with your wife and had your family. It is true that you have a very important reason that you love her, and I think you should follow your heart and tell her.
Maybe you feel that if you could turn the clock back and done it differently, you might have married her or had a relationship that you missed out on. I think that you needed the experience of how it worked out in order for your life to work out exactly the way it was supposed to, which is the way it has worked out. What happened was not a mistake on your part. It was an important event in shaping your life. In accepting what has happened in your life and the choices you have made, you can accept yourself, and your love in the world. Accepting what you have become is a way in which you can honor the love that she showed you.
I think these feelings are important to you, and that you should tell her, if your intentions are just to let her know, and to resolve this issue that you have been carrying for so many years, but you will need to be careful that you do not come to mean that you should rush into your feelings with her. This experience may bring up all the feelings of love for her, and you should not take this to mean that she is the one you should be with. If you can tell her that you loved her, and let her know, and let her go with your love, and move on with a renewed sense of freedom, that would be great. Be prepared to let go.
Good luck in your decision.
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A
female
reader, BEEN THERE DONE IT +, writes (13 June 2007):
 I have to say this really is a lovely story one you read in books, it bought a tear to my eye..what a lovely thoughtful man you are but, and here is the BUT, you are a HAPPILY married man with children so why would you chance loosing everything in life that you have got, I am sure the other woman would be truely touched but I don't think your wife would feel the same do you? Be honest with yourself hun how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and it were your wife feeling like this?
These feelings stem back years ago memories are sweet and sometimes best left, so give all the love and energy to your family as they are the ones who count not this lady from your past...hope you manage to deal with your feelings hun, good luck
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