A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Sorry this is very long but I want you to know about everything. I have used fake names.I am hurting, my husband Cody and I have split up, it will be 3 weeks on Sunday. I am not eating, and if I do, I puke it up. I drink so I forget him. We have been together almost 3 yrs, married almost 2. He was 18 when I met him he will now be 21 in November. I was 20 when I met him and will be 23. We have always had our problems, his dad doesnt like me because he feels I have tooken his boy away, but I feel I have made him better. Before he was always dirty and he would smoke pot non stop (with his dad). When we first got together he changed so much everyone told me, I cant believe how much you changed him, he was always clean, and worked very hard. I have my mental illness. I think my Dh has problems to, but Im not sure what, my mom thinks Fetal Acohol Sydrome, but I did not know this when I fell in love with him. When we first got together he left me to live with his dad and I beg him to come back, this went on and on till one time. He took $300 out of our account. I asked him where it went and he said to his dad, I was furious, but I forgave him. Well we went out one night with friends and my friends said he is leaving for Alberta with Daniel. I had a feeling he was but trusted he wasnt. That night before Daniel was suppose to leave for Alberta, Daniel came to the house and I had an episode, telling him to not answer the door, dont because you will go with him, he didnt answer the door, but daniel kept calling, finally cody kept saying he wanted to go over to his dads, well when we got to his dad`s daniel showed up. Daniel said I just want to spend one last night with my buddy, cody confinced me he was coming back, he didnt take his ID, no clothes, no toothbrush, and told me to stay at his dad`s and he be there in the morning. So I stayed at his dads and in the morning I kept calling Daniel`s house but there was no answer. Dh`s dad and sister kept asking me you cant get a hold of him I said no, I said I think he left for alberta, they said no he couldnt have he didnt tell us, how ruid is that if he did leave, he didnt say goodbye. Three days later they heard from him, he was in alberta with Daniel. Well I moved on, the day he left me for alberta I was dating someone else, then I met another guy at the bar that I clicked with more so I left the one guy to be with the guy I met at the bar. We dated for a long time, his parents loved me, I loved them, and we fell in love with eachother. Well the guy I was seeing, called my Daniel and told him he was dating me. Well Daniel told Cody and then Cody called me, we talked, and he said he missed me and wanted me back. He wanted me to move to Alberta with him. So I left the guy I was with to go back with Cody. Soon Cody moves back home, 2 months later we get married and not even a month after we get married he leaves again. I was hanging out with a friend and I come home and he is gone, he didnt take any clothes, Id, no nothing. I was upset, I eventually found him on facebook under a different name so I wouldnt find him. I messaged him, but no answer. So eventually I give up and move on, I go an sleep with different men, and one day I find a guy I could be with, so everything is good with me and this guy but one day when I was with this guy I see Cody, he sees me with the guy and starts to have a panick attack, a couple days later he messages me on facebook, wanting me back. I go back with him because me and the guy broke up. So then everything is good, one day I was suppose to pick him up from work, I go there but he doesnt come out. I call his work he left work long ago. It hurt becuz when he was leaving work we had talk to eachother one the phone, he said he loved me and couldnt wait to see me. So I was hurt, 2 weeks later he brings the cops to the house to grab his stuff. A couple days later or a week later we talk and get back together. Well now we live here, and everything was good, but then he gets sick it seems, he gets moody, starts smoking pot, his dad keeps telling him `draw the line`, he is hanging out with bad people, I told him I didnt like him hanging out with them because how they hurt him, and me and how they are bad influences. But he said I am going to hang out with them, and I am going to do whatever I want to when I want. We ever he got upset he wanted to go down to his dads, I said why do you have to go down to your dads when ever your upset, so I said I had enough I said you choose, we can go home and work this out, or you can go down to your dads and stay there. So he chose to leave. Before he left I was in our room so I wouldnt stop him from leaving. He comes in our room and says I`ll be back I asked him why you going to be back, he said because I love you, then I said you think I am going to take you back and he said no but I hope you will. So he left, and I never heard from him. I called Disability to take him off my cheque and they said they needed his paystubs, well I called him to get his paystubs. His dad kept hanging up on me, so I went down there, and his dad yelled at me and shut the door on my face. I opened the door and said I want to talk to Cody. Cody came out and I asked him can I have the paystubs. He said Let me see if I can find them, well he went in for like 5 secs and said he couldnt find them, but said he find them later and would call me when he did find them. Before I left, I asked him do you miss me, he didnt answer but asked me if I missed him, I said I did very much. Well then he said I dont miss u, I said you dont miss laying with me, he said no I just miss the company. He said he was sick of the fighting. He told me to move on. But I dont remember us fighting, I remember him coming home high, I would ask him if he was high, he lie about it, then I would just watch tv, and he would try to talk to me, and I said I was hurt by him lying that I knew he was lying so I am just going to watch tv. Anyway so we talked Tuesday, so I called him Thursday saying did you find the paystubs yet, no I havent I been busy babysitting my sisters kids. So then I said ok, well I was meeting Mark downtown so I was going to pick them up when I drove by. He asked me who Mark was, I told him he was a guy I was dating, he asked me if that was my plan, to break up with him so I could date mark. I said no and I started getting upset, like why would he think that of me. He said dont get fighting, I was just wondering, so I said ok and said well plz get me them paystubs. Well last night me and mark we were heading to my house when I see Cody in the car with Daniel, Cody waved like crazy. I am just hurting so much, I am hurting because I left him and that I am hurting and he is not. I regret leaving him, I wish we went to counselling. We went to Church before and that helped so much, but then we stopped going. I am so sad he is moving on with his life, and is probably sleeping with other girls. He doesnt miss our two cats, or our dog that is like our baby. I am upset I am going to be 23 and divorced. I have already gone bankrupt becuz of my ex fiance. I know I should of ended this cycle along time ago and not married him, but I love him alot and I know what man he can be becuz he was that man when we went to church. And the only reason I seen this guy was becuz I was hurting so much, and I felt if he is with sumone I have to be, becuz I cant not think about him. I dont know what I should do anymore... I am hurting so much.. I miss him so much, and I still havent got them paystubs. He rather go out then find them for me. I am a good person, I will do anything for anyone, I do tons of greats things, why is this happening. I have struggled all my life, I just want my marriage to work, I never ask for anything ever, except this one thing. So why is it being taken from me. What should I do..
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bankrupt, broke up, divorce, facebook, fell in love, fiance, get back together, I love you, move on, my ex, split up Reply to this Question
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (11 October 2009):
That's great. Don't be used by this guy. Stay strong for yourself. And certainly don't give any money.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell he called, I was short asked him what he wanted, he asked me what are you doing? I said nothing watching tv. What do you want... etc... Well he wanted to know about the guy I was dating. Wanted to know what I was up to. I said nothing. He kept asking about the guy saying how it must not be going well since I am not talking about it. I told him he doesn’t need to know and that’s why I am not telling him. He asked for his winter Jacket & he would give me one of the paystubs, I asked if I could drop it off to him later. He said well if you do it now it be an excuse to see each other. So I dropped it off. While I was dropping it off he said can we not be in each other’s lifes? He kissed me I accepted it but I eventually did not let him kiss me. When I left he wanted to kiss me but I wouldn’t, he said I love you but I didn’t say it back.. I am not falling into the trap. He said to me if you need someone to talk to call me. I want to call him but I am not going to seem needy & am not going to fall into his trap.
It seemed he wanted money. He said how he didn’t have money, and the collection agencies keep calling him. But I’m not giving him any.
He asked if we would talk again, I said yes but just because I need the other two paystubs.
Since I have seen him, I am not sure if I want him anymore. I know I can get better. He looked so dirty. Greasy hair, dirty nails. He grabbed my hand, I took his and I looked down and he said yes I haven’t been taking care of myself. I said yes it doesn’t look like it your hair is greasy.
Just wanted to give u guys an update.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis counsillor I have seen before, she knows the history of me and cody and she knows I have been abused. Its funny how we pick bad guys without even meaning to. You fall for someone who you think is good but ends up not being good. Hate how you do everything for them, be the best gf/wife you can be and it still isnt good enough. Yes I have to remember he was the one that didnt take the vows seriously. Thanks.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 October 2009):
There is one more thing. If you were abused when you were younger, make sure you speak about that with your counsellor. Women who have been abused have a terrible habit of choosing men who are abusers. I wonder if you did that with your marriage. And it's brilliant that you took those vows so seriously. Remember that HE was the one who didn't. Find a good, decent guy who will take them seriously. All the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYour not being harsh at all. I know I am better off, its just hard to face. I take the vows we said very seriously.
I have some money in an account, but I got that for being abused when I was younger. I already spent more then half of it, paying last months rent for this row house and paying for Canada's Wonderland, and my bills. So I am trying not to spend it, incase I need it later on.
The friend I did have I stopped talking to because she is engaged and I was planning her wedding. It was to much for me to handle.
I can not move out till End of November, so I could try to find a roomate for a couple months, but I dont trust roomates. I am just going to try to get by.
Thanks, your advice is greatly appreciated.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 October 2009):
It's going to take time. But from the sound of it, I'm starting to think that you're going to be better off without him (I don't mean to be harsh there). He comes from a family where marriage doesnt mean taht much and he'd rather spend his money getting high than paying bills. It's great that you're going to see a councillor. He/she will be able to look at all your feelings and help you understand them. Keep going out with your friends, your heart won't heal overnight. It will take time. As for worrying about bills, have you got family you can go to? Or is there a friend you can move in with for a short time? And yes, like father, like son. You really do deserve better, and when your heart does heal, you'll find a good guy who'll adore you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know the answer to that question already without having to ask him, because I just asked him Tuesday if he missed me. If he doesnt miss me then he doesnt want to be with me.
I have an appointment with a counsellor on Wednesday.
I wanted to call him today but I havent, I am glad, because I dont want to call him if he doesnt want to call me.
I dont understand how he can throw away our marriage. Marriage doesnt mean much to him, his parents didnt have a good marriage, they were both alcoholics. His mom was an abusive alcoholic. His dad kicked his mom out, he said she needed to quit drinking and change, but that he didnt have to change, that he could still keep drinking. I dont think they have divorced and they have been seperated for yrs. Some of her stuff is still at the house he lives at. Like father, like son...
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso I wanted to tell you I think a week or a couple weeks before I left him he asked me if I would let him have some space, if he could go down to his dads and stay there for a while, to get all this stuff out of his system. I said no, because I didnt want him to go down to his dad's and then leave for good. I said to him you need to be responsible, we have bills to pay, work to do, I told him he needs to grow up and be an adult. I know now he wasnt ready for marriage.
It pee's me off to because he is $1200 in debt and is not caring about any of it, he rather smoke pot and hang out with his friend doing god knows what. I am paying for our place I cant afford, I can only put $40 on my bills that are over $100. I am stressing out how I am going to be able to get by, stressing about if my disability cheque will be put on hold, while he is living life. How can I stop missing him? I've tried going out with the family, I've tried hanging out with friends. I just keep missing him and cant seem to do anything, because I have pains in my chest, and I cry constantly. Also I have gave my notice, and am moving at the end of Nov. to a cheaper apartment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso I wanted to tell you I think a week or a couple weeks before I left him he asked me if I would let him have some space, if he could go down to his dads and stay there for a while, to get all this stuff out of his system. I said no, because I didnt want him to go down to his dad's and then leave for good. I said to him you need to be responsible, we have bills to pay, work to do, I told him he needs to grow up and be an adult. I know now he wasnt ready for marriage.
It pee's me off to because he is $1200 in debt and is not caring about any of it, he rather smoke pot and hang out with his friend doing god knows what. I am paying for our place I cant afford, I can only put $40 on my bills that are over $100. I am stressing out how I am going to be able to get by, stressing about if my disability cheque will be put on hold, while he is living life. How can I stop missing him? I've tried going out with the family, I've tried hanging out with friends. I just keep missing him and cant seem to do anything, because I have pains in my chest, and I cry constantly. Also I have gave my notice, and am moving at the end of Nov. to a cheaper apartment.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 October 2009):
First of all, you need to quit drinking. Your health will be at risk and it will not help you confront this problem. There really is only one thing you can do. You need to talk to him. Ask him once and for all of he would come to counselling with you to work through all of this. If he says yes, then you must be willing to put everything on hold to make this right. If he says no, then you need to let yourself grieve and move on. Certainly get counselling for yoourself, because you have reacted very badly and you don't want to end up with bad health. I really hope all this helps and wish you all the best.
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