A
female
age
30-35,
*reshPrincess
writes:In March, I started dating a guy I've known for 4-5 years. In may, I decided that I wanted to lose weight and since then, I've lost about 25 pounds, but here's the problem. My boyfriend was about 20 pounds overweight when we made it official, but since then he's gained another 20 pounds, and this is also the heaviest hes been thru the years Ive known him. He says he wants to lose weight, but he isn't making an effort, in part because he works 50-60 hours a week. I've already told him that if he wants to lose weight, he should do what makes him feel good and I'm here to support him no matter what he decides, but now, I'm starting to feel a little bit of resentment. I feel like he should lose at least the 20 pounds he put on, but I'm fighting with myself because now I feel very vein. I feel like I'm a horrible person and just because I lost weight, doesn't mean he should have to as well. What should I do about this?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (24 September 2012):
 I think you should leave him alone entirely and let him lose the weight, or not, at his own pace. No one hounded you when you trimmed down.As you already know, this is something he must do for himself. Inserting yourself like this makes it about you. It's no longer a positive, rewarding thing for him, but a chore to keep you happy. You may not have criticised him, but you've said enough and dropped enough hints that he is probably starting to feel pressured and unenthusiastic about it. He is only 40 pounds overweight. He is not morbidly or dangerously obese. Enjoy your new figure and how it makes you feel. Let him come to the same decision about himself when he is ready. He isn't hurting anyone.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 September 2012):
 How ironic izzit that we - collectively - agree that we "can't change anybody".... only that THEY can change, THEMSELVES..... BUT when that somebody chooses to become large and obese (hence, less attractive and enticing) we are willing to give them a "pass"?????
IF you take up with a partner of one size and weight .... and that partner becomes a different (usually, larger) size and weight.... and they become less enticing to you.. then I say "to heck with 'em".... and it's OK to dump them and seek out a partner who is more in keeping with the appearance that you EXPECT in a partner... that you find interesting and attractive in a partner.... and that your current partner originally WAS before they let themselves go....
It's NOT "shallow".... it's realistic!!!....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 September 2012):
 Yeah, that's a tough one. 50-60 hours a week is really rough, and adding more for a workout may feel daunting.
His diet is the key here, as well as "in-work" changes, like stairs instead of the elevator, working out on a lunch break, eating healthier instead of running through the greaseball drive-through, cutting the vending machines and soda, and many other ways to be healthier during the day.
If he says he wants to lose weight, you have a huge advantage here. Tell him you're here to help, and then take charge of the menu. Give one day per week to "splurge", and then it's all business the rest of the week. Or, Weight Watchers with its online plan is REALLY AWESOME, as it shows what that bag of Mrs. Fields cookies (my husband's vice) can really do to the waistline.
Seriously, "tweaking" can have a profound impact on health, meaning instead of soda, do water. Skip the cream and sugar in coffee, or skip the Starbucks run or make it a once-a-week treat. Instead of the cookie in the bag lunch, do a low-calorie granola snack. The book "Eat this, not that" is really great for tweaking a diet. Above all, NO greaseball drive through. If he brings a box lunch, do a Lean cuisine and watch the calories.
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A
female
reader, FreshPrincess +, writes (23 September 2012):
FreshPrincess is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers! To get a little more into detail, I still find him attractive enough to have sex with, but I think the issues lie more with the fact that he's been saying this for quite some time. I try to get him active with me, like walking the dog or something together. I have never told him He was fat or needed to lose weight. That was something he brought up in response to my personal choice. I think our biggest facor is food because he works on his feet for a large part of the day. I just don't know if I should mention that I think he should lose a little weight or if I should just let him decide on his own.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 September 2012):
 I would like my fiance to lose some of the weight he gained.
Happy Content taken men tend to gain weight...
Congrats to you for making the lifestyle changes necessary to lose weight...
If he's working 50-60 hours a week... when do you expect him to work out? he must be under a lot of stress and not sleeping a lot either... that means weight gain too...
IF you are there to support him no matter what he decides then you need to be supporting him now. He's decided he's not ready to lose weight.
If you are no longer attracted to him and feel the need to be (for me I know I would like my partner to lose about 10 pounds but that doesn't mean I'm not attracted to him still)
then perhaps you need to let him know that.
"Honey you know i love you no matter what, but to be honest since you've added the extra 20 pounds, I just can't manage to find you attractive enough to want to have sex with you"
or something along the lines of what is bothering you about the weight...
If it's an issue of you just being mad that he didn't do it well then that's different... do you feel like he's being lazy, that it means he doesn't care about you? why is it that him not doing it bugs you so? (and for food addicts it's not as simple as "just do it")
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (23 September 2012):
 His intention to lose weight should be independent from your weight loss success. He can only do it for himself. Being busy is not excuse. For some people, just eating less, eating right, excercising can do wonders. For others, they need medical intervention. He knows he is fat. The best you could do is prepare his lunches and exercise with him. Has he been to a medical check up? It is a sensitive issue to talk about with a guy. He can sense that you are losing interest in him. Perhaps the fear of losing you would make him do some active life changes. There is no need to resent him. You are losing weight for yourself. He did not complain about your weight. A resentment is not something you can do to erase it. Compassion and understanding maybe. I don't know what he does for a living. If he is doing desk work and he sleeps well at night, he should have no problems going to the gym. If his work requires him to be active, it must be poor eating habits. A young healthy guy gaining 40 pounds over a few years is not normal.
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A
female
reader, lmao1989  +, writes (23 September 2012):
 Is he classed as being in danger weight wise? If not then leave him to it unless you find him unattractive?I appreciate you lost weight and well done to you but if your partner hears that you're going to support him no matter what then where is his incentive to lose the weight?If you feel he needs too then tell him gently you think he should just to keep fit and keep it down to a minimum and save him from getting any bigger to a part where he may be in danger and unable to come back from it so quickly.If you make him meals cook some nice healthy things and suggest for him to drink more water.Just tell him about you want to help him lose a bit of weight so you know he's not going to slip into a dangerous ground where he may not be able to come out of it as well as he can at this point and you'll help him by cooking healthier meals and giving him healthy snacks to eat at work and maybe cut sugar out of his life a little not completely but just make it a bit less.As i've said talk to him but suggest he loses weight gently so he knows you're looking out for him and going to support him by giving him healthy foods.
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