A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,Please can you advise me on the following. Thank you. I have been seeing a guy for around 3 months. At the beginning he was fabulous, and seemed a happy relaxed kind of guy. Anyway, as time went on it turned out that he has to support his mother financially who is very ill, nephew and sister and is under alot of pressure here in the uk. His family live in Hungary, - he took me there to visit. I saw what the situation was -they are struggling to pay their billsand are quite poor. He works very hard in a night job here , and moans about his problems to me for hours. I love this guy, but he has now become in the last few weeks emotionally and physically withdrawn from me, and when I reach out to touch him he pulls away. He also hardly contacts me now, but when I call him he comes straight over, and it's almost as if he is waiting for me to call. I have no idea what;s going on, as when I bring this stuff up he refuses to talk about it, and when I asked him why he doesn;t call, he said he doesn;t really like calling or texting anyone and prerfers IM messenger. That's not how it was at the start.I am sick of chasing him, and have now not done anything for a week, and have not heard from him, but I know if I called him he would pick up and be over in a minute. The last time I saw him, he was moody, surly, and made me feel awful, as he turned his back on me and was physically withdrawn and cold. I have been very low about this for days, and miss him like crazy, but he refuses to finish it properly, as he always responds ot me, and if not, he sends something to get a response. Please advise on what I can do to remedy this situtaion. I miss him terribly, but feel rejected, and strung along lately. Do I make him sweat more and call him in a couple of weeks? he knows I am upset, and I know that he is waiting for me to call. Please advise. Thanks xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Brown Wolf!! :o) Will try and do just that. !!
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (19 August 2010):
Well good for you. It's better to be standing on the platform when that hurt train is coming.
Dang!! You made dinner and all, and that's the best he could do?
Man hunting season is now on...Go snag you a wild hunk a man...Maybe you can have him for dinner :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey, thanks so much brownwolf and Agony aunt J. I have finally finished with him, and am having to block him on my IM messenger and emails as I am still really angry with him. This is what happened..... he came over to see me on tuesday evening, but would not tell me what time he was coming, and would not pick up my calls. Ihad dinner ready... he fionally tunred up at 9.30pm. It was ok, then I stated my intentions saying I wainted something more serious in the future.. Guess what he said?!! ' Don;t wait for me@ I siad' What'? and he sida ' Don;t wait for me' then he walked out!! the b****d!!! I was angry and hurt, and the next day he meesaged me syaing I was being to hard. ( I had sent him lots of angry texts) anyway, I have fianlly come to the end of it..... And have had to blcok him on IM and am going to block him on my phone, as I am stil angry, but need to move away form this guy asap!! I canot believe that he came to my house just to be horrible to me!!
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reader, AgonyAuntJ +, writes (18 August 2010):
 It is hard to walk away, to think that you're not being there for someone. But whilst it's good that he's opened up to you somewhat, it doesnt mean things are going to change. Some people are just too dependant on others. They do what they do, realise how they've done wrong, they apologise and cry about it, they say theyre going to change... but they never do.
Perhaps he has seen the error of his ways, but do you really want to stick around to find out, if it turns out that he is just the same in a few months time? By then, you could be even more attatched and find it even harder to walk away.
You gave him his chances, he threw them in your face by the way he treated you. Whether he meant to or not, he needs to realise that life isnt full of chance after chance. Like i said before, everyone has their own fair shair of baggage or problems, but it is how you deal with those problems that makes a relationship stong or weak.
Truth be told, only you can decide which is the right decision to make. I would personally walk away, some others wouldnt. 3 months isnt that long however i understand how quickly people can connect. But this isnt the same guy you met 3 months ago is it?...
I hope you can make the right choice and things look up for you :)
- AAJ.
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reader, BrownWolf +, writes (17 August 2010):
So what's going to happen when both of you have problems of your own?? Is he going to take off and not talk or text you until he figures out what's wrong??
What if you had kids, or money problems of your own? Can you count on him to talk to you, and not get moody, pushing you and the kids away because he just has to get away from things?
As far as I see it, his behavior is a warning of things to come. Be a friend if you want, but I would not put that big heart of your in the mix.
This is not your fight, and maybe he is right. He just needs space. But you need to make sure you do not got the worse of this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey, thanks Brown wolf. You are very kind and helpful. I got a load fo emails form him today saying that the cannot continue to support his family for much longer, and that he is in a 'critical phase' and is under huge ammounts of pressure, and that he knows he has been acting cold and indifferent towards me, and does not want a repeat of the last evening we had together, and he goes off when he feels like this, and that his life has to improve as he is worried sick about it going on like this, and realised how bad the situation was when we went to seehis family. Am I too give him another chance? I am relieved he has finally opened up - but a bit cautious.I mean he hasn;t seen or heard from me for a week.. may be he just knew he was losing me and it trying again. He was so not like this in the beginning.
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reader, BrownWolf +, writes (17 August 2010):
Actually, he is not taking out his problems on you...You are the one texting and calling him. So really, you are asking for it.
I said this to someone before. You see the hurt train coming down the tracks...Where do you want to be standing? On the tracks, or on the platform.
He is bringing you down, and you keep trying to get him back. You have it in your head that you can help him, make him happy, if only he gives you a chance. So what if he does? Then what? You are going to spend all your time and effort trying to make him happy, as you slowly become sad and moody?
Then he will be on here writting about his moody girlfriend:) You sound like you have a big heart. Save it for someone who makes it even bigger when you are with them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, Thanks Agony Aunt, I actually texted him last night, as I got very frustrated about the whole thing, then I tried to call him and he would not pick up.. the B*****D. So i texted him again this morning, and told him that although I understand he has problems with money and supporting his family etc, I cannot wait for him forver.. He probably won;t repond to that either. I'm, really trying here - and he is sulking. I really want to say to him that it;s not fair that he is taking out his problems on me..... but that will star an argument again, and he will dissapear for a while which I worse in some ways. I think I had better start looking for a new guy..... I don;t wannt to , as I really wanted him, but I guess I;ll have too, as It seems I cannot get over it alone. I'm so angry.
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reader, AgonyAuntJ +, writes (16 August 2010):
unfortuntely, everybody has baggage. some people more than others. what you have to remember though is that this isnt YOUR baggage. im sure you have your own things to deal with.
whilst a partner should be there as somebody to talk to, and someone to go to for comfort, a partner isnt there for someone to completely and totally depend on. he is being hot and cold with you because of HIS issues, and this is making YOU unhappy. how in any way, shape or form, is that fair? it isnt. you should not have to deal with his problems.
although you want to help you have to be strong and walk away. i completely agree with "anonymous"... atleast you have seen this side to him before things got too serious. be strong, and dont contact him. if he decides to contact you, then you must be honest with him and tell him how this is making you feel, and then it is up to him to decide whether he is going to learn to deal with his issues and stop taking it out on you, or if he's going to accept that you want to end things. best of luck.
- AAJ.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys and girls, thanks so much for taking the time to answer my dear cupid. I KNOW you are right!! it's just so hard to walk away and not contact him, but do it I must. I have not officially ended it - but am hoping that time will heal me..( I spent all weekend in bed crying and depressed) it's taking a long time .. I miss him so much, but know I cannot keep hanging on to that dream of the past.. he was so cool at the start - he took me out, and was so kind and considerate - I really did think I'd met the man of my dreams.. I'm finding it very difficult to get my head around how someone can change so much after like 6 weeks of 'good' behaviour. He is mean to me, and I feel like he keeps on kicking me down every time I try to get up. That feeling of rejection was horrible, and it;s not the first time he has done it - he has also given me the 'silent' treatment lots of times. I am going to hang on in there and not contact him and hope these horrible feelings of loss subside as soon as possible. Hi Anon, I hope you are feeling better too - also Brownwolf - thanks - you are right - whats; going to happen a year from now. I am gutted, and disspointed in him xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010): Sweetie, I just went through this last week. Same timing (3 mos), the whole deal. I haven't heard from my guy either but you know what, it's showing me that he can't handle life's ups and down and me too. There's too much stress in life without having a moody guy to tag onto to it. Realize, this is a good thing. You're finding out know what he's like instead of after a wedding, 2 kids and a mortgage. There are happier guys around, go find one...you're worth it!!! DO NOT contact him.
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reader, BrownWolf +, writes (16 August 2010):
Not to sound mean about what's going on in his life...However, that is his life not yours. Misery loves company, and unless you want to end up in the same emotional hell hole as him, suggest you walk away.
Women have the natural instinct to love a nurture anyone emotionlly weaker than themselves, like looking after a baby. But when your life starts going down hill because that person's misery is becoming yours...It's time time to move on.
Imagine...You are actually sitting there thinking of calling someone who makes you feel like crap, only because he made you feel good at the start. If he is like this only after 3 months, what's going to happen a year from now??
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