A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Okay, I have a feeling this is going to be long but I'll just try to explain everything as best I can.Starting from a young age, I'd say about as young as nine, I sometimes felt as though I was a burden to my mom based on the way she'd get mad and yell at me about having to do things for me and yell in my face that she was the "bread winner", when I told her I had worked hard in school, just referring to getting good grades which is really all a nine year old third grader can be doing for the most part. She just yelled at me and told me I don't work hard and she's the bread winner when all I meant is I'm keeping my grades up and doing my best. Going forward from there, she'd always accuse me of having an "attitude" and tell me not to ask her to get me anything from the store, things like fast food burgers and ice coffees, even when she'd be getting me things I didn't even ask for. Then when I was fourteen, she got me a dog but the thing is it started to seem like she was treating it better than me in some ways. An example of this is when I was in my room with the door closed and the puppy in there with me, we had flies flying around the house and when I got a shoe to try and smash one on the wall she heard and thought it was me hitting the dog. Apparently, my word and explanation for why that wasn't the case wasn't enough and she made me go stand in the kitchen for an indefinite amount of time for essentially no reason, since I hadn't actually done anything.While the puppy got to be in the living room with her.A more recent incident happened when I was 18, my mom had just gotten a hoverboard, it was night time and I just wanted to stay in myroom. But she forced me out and started physically pushing me into the bathroom and made me put a pair of jeans on in there so we could get on the hoverboard though I had no interest in trying it out. It was very cold and I'm sensitive to even the slightest bit of cold and just wanted to go inside the whole time. When we finally went in, she acted like she had done nothing wrong though the next day she acted the way she does for some reason whenever she accuses me of having an attitude, I'm not sure how to describe it but I guess like shewould get pissed if I even asked a simple question. And that's just a few incidents, I could describe others but I'll leave it there.Given all this, I was wondering if I should do something that I have been considering for a while since turning 18. I'm not thinking about going to live in an apartment or a studio or something like that by myself yet as I don't have the funds for that yet. But I was thinking about waiting until my mom leaves to go somewhere for hours and then getting as much stuff as I can and leaving. I don't know where I would go immediately but since I'm an adult and she couldn't do anything about it I was thinking about going to stay with a relative. It's actually my mom's mom but I like being at her place (she lives in Chicago, I'm with my mom in New Jersey) and just thinking about that hoverboard incident fuels me to do this. The situation is right now is that we're technically homeless, we're in a motel but leaving tomorrow because my mom can't keep paying for the room as she does not have enough money for that. She says we're going to a homeless shelter, we spoke to her mom but they're having issues with each other. Her mom says she'll take me but not her but my mom says she'll take the money for my train ticket there and use it to continue paying for the room. After that, she'll cut off ties with her and block her number. I'd rather be with her though thanin a homeless shelter but now my mom claims "I will never speak to her again in my life", which I don't see how is possible if she isn't controlling my whole life. Long explanation short, should I leave while she's gone at some point and go stay with her mom instead?I know she's still been paying for my existence getting me whatever I want from the grocery store and stuff like that but that hoverboard incident always makes me feel hurt and angry and like this is something I should do. I might way until I'm 20 to do it but either way, my life is going nowhere right now (no job, no college, just homeless going from place to place, wherever she taked us) and if I discussed staying with this relative to her she'd yell,scream, threaten, and finally get physically violents to the point cops would probably need to be involved.She also thinks she can use me to get more money from social security, another reason she wants to keep me with her.
View related questions:
money, my ex, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 March 2017):
 Anonymous 123 got it spot on, I couldn't have said it any better myself. Stop thinking about how hard your life is and try and picture how hard it is for her when her only daughter wants to leave her alone homeless. I understand why things make you upset sometimes but your mum only wants what is best for you and you need to try and see that. You are lucky at 19 she is still looking after you and feeding you, not so many people are as lucky so you need to start taking some responsibility and maybe get a job so you can help you and your mother.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (13 March 2017):
 When it comes to mothers, I normally don't want to believe that they can be vicious and wicked unless of course it's an exceptional case. OP being a mother is a huge sacrifice in itself. I'm not sermonizing; I'm just saying, let's try to look at it from Mom's perspective here.
From what I understand, she's a single parent taking care of you. OP you might hate me for saying this but you have no idea what she's been through all alone to give you whatever life she could. It is one of the most difficult things in the world to bring up a child alone, more so when money is short.
You're not a burden for her OP, you're get only asset.
She has nothing except you and I hope you realize that.
Yes she's said some hurtful things to you over the years but it was only said in a fit of anger and helplessness. You have absolutely no idea what it feels like to be responsible for a child and not be able to give him/her that life that you want to give them. She's tried to be the best that she can but she's failed to make you see what you mean to her because of the way she's behaved with you sometimes. You don't see the years of struggle of trying to put food on your plate or getting you things, as you said, things which you didn't even ask for. OP maybe those things were important for her and burgers and iced coffees weren't. She wanted to give you what she thought was good for you within her limited budget.
She even got you a dog and while you were punished for no fault of yours, in all fairness she did get you the dog and try to make you happy. The problem with her seems to be the fact that while she was doing all that she could, she was also spoiling the good work because of her anger and actions. That doesn't make her a bad person OP... She's only human, facing life all alone and living a very difficult life.
She got you a Hoverboard because she thought that would make you happy and of course she wanted you to try it out. You might not have wanted to you you should have, to make her happy. Think about her feelings too. How would you feel if you do something good for someone and there's no appreciation? Maybe you don't think that the gift was a good idea but for her it was! And so what if it was cold? A few minutes outside wouldn't kill you.
OP I don't blame you and neither do I blame her. You're just looking at things from your perspective and thinking that you've been wronged.
Cut her some slack OP. Don't, please don't run away from her; be there with her and help her to build your life back. Get back to studies in whichever way you can and start working to supplement her income. Despite all her problems she's still paying for you and getting you things from the grocery store. She loves you and she's doing whatever she can and even thought she's failing in life, stand by her. Please don't desert her. She's your mother and at some point of time in life you'll realize her worth. Don't let it be too late by then. Please just try to make it work and be together.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2017): Hi,I can a bit relate to your story as my mother raised my sister and I by herself, was very controling and had issues with her mother.I often felt miserable. She would humiliate me in front of others and would not let me go out even though i was already 24at that time.It did hurt a lot but, now, i am not in your shoes and the situation might be different but i want to advise you a simple thing: study abroad. In some European countries, studies are really cheap like 200 dollars a semester. You might also want to look up scholarship s. I studied abroad, got more confident and my relationship with my mother improved too.Try to think of something you really want to do and start from there. If you want to live with your grandmother (which i did too), you might also want to consider that option but i hope your grandma is not as controlling as your mother.You can live a better life, don't give up. And also, you are not alone!
...............................
|
