A
female
age
41-50,
*oragirl
writes:I dont know if i should stay with my husband. We have been together for 6 years..married 4. He has been pretty horrible to me through our relationship. Calling me names, telling me i dont do anything, and controlling. Things got really out of hand when we had and argument in Oct. He told me he wished he never married me, that i wasn't special....skank..whore.. anything and everything to hurt me. We have a 3 year old together and i have a 7 yr old from previous relationship. After this fight, i left him. He has been coming over and staying visiting the kids.. and basically tryig to win me back over. I still see some of the old controlling traits that he had before.. And i guess i just feel differently about him now..not in love really. I love him but i hate him at the same time. Dont know what to do. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Moragirl +, writes (8 February 2011):
Moragirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questiontHANKS FOR THE ANSWERS I ALREADY KNOW... iT'S NICE TO HEAR IT FROM PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT IN OUR CIRCLE AND DON'T KNOW US PERSONALLY. tHE FUNNY THING IS.... MY STORY IN A NUTSHELL... U WOULD FREAK OUT IF U KNEW ALL THE PIECES TO THE STORY... i HAVE MY ANSWER.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): Sometimes two people cannot be together. You deserve more from life than this man can offer. One thing to sway you - children brought up in these type of relationships often end up with emotional problems themselves in time. If anything you need to think beyond yourself and of the children. Children sense things that adults often can't, atmosphere, tension. Whatever promises he makes, DON'T go back. This is a recognised cycle - abuse, regret and apologies, then abuse again.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 February 2011):
I would also have to say leave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): You don't love him you're just emotionally attached to him because he's part of your past history. But you don't LOVE him. Think long and hard what LOVE is. Love means you trust and respect the other person. Love means you feel positively about them.
You can be emotionally attached to things or people you hate but because you were once entangled with them, they heavily influenced your daily life and thoughts, they influenced the path your life took, and you had a lot invested in them. It's hard to let go of those feelings of investment.
But it's not LOVE that you feel for your ex
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters  +, writes (8 February 2011):
 That kind of shit is completely uncalled for, and he needs to grow up. The only way for him to grow up for him to have his wish granted.
You have a seven year old and a three year old as you said. It is bad enough that you are going to be in the relationship if you stay. However, it is much worse that your kids are going to have to suffer because of your staying in the relationship. They do not need to have an angry father figure.
They need to have a man in their life that is going to show them how to act like a man and know what a man is supposed to act like. A man is not supposed to act like a jackass and call their wife a fucking whore and skank. Women are not supposed to do that either.
Woemn are supposed to behave a certain way as well. they are supposed to behave like mothers. They are supposed to identify any potential dangers to their children that say see, and take the logical steps to keeping their kids away from those potential harms.
There is an immediate danger of your husband causing mental scarring to your kids. There is danger down the line of your husband causing scarring in the future, by making your son or daughter think that it is ok to go around abusing people or being abused by people.
You have a duty as a mother to the preservation of your kids. The first step to preserving the safety, health, and wellbeing of your kids is to preserve the safety, health, and well-being of yourself. The way to do that is to leave your husband.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): He is abusive so don't go back to him. He is trying to tear down your self esteem with verbal abuse, don't let him do it. If your children see this it will damage them. Don't let this happen.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (8 February 2011):
 It's for him to change his bad behaviour, not for you to accept his bad behaviour, he needs to understand this completely or it's game over!
You can still see the nasty traits because he has no intention of changing. He will say what he thinks you want to hear to get back in your life and then he will resume his abusive ways...because that what men who have a problem do.
The only reason men have gotten away with this kind of behaviour for so long is because women are scared to go it alone and feel intimidated by the constant hope that he will change and love will be enough...it won't happen unless he faces what he is and gets drastic outside help to moderate his ways.
Don't feel ashamed that your heart has changed, it's not surprising that it has happened, being that you have been exposed to the abuse for so long. It's like owning a dog that constantly bites you....you might think it's lovely and cute but how long can you take the pain? and how long should you take the aggressiveness?
It's time to get tough, create a boundary by contacting support groups and maybe a counsellor for him. He needs anger management and perhaps some cognitive behavioural therapy to help him change. If he refuses then you need to let him know that things are over for good.
Don't feel any guilt, this is not your fault, you just fell for the charms of an abuser.
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A
female
reader, Brokenheart79 +, writes (8 February 2011):
YOu a Love Addict, get help for yourself so you dont go back and harm your kids in a place like that!!!
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A
female
reader, Brokenheart79 +, writes (8 February 2011):
DOnt go back!!! A abuser will do anything to win you back play nice, i went through the same boat for years. Poor kids!!! Dont do it to you!!! Thats not love!!! He is sick! He need help!!! You better help yourself! Dont go back! Abused woman go back to there abusers like i did and the ciycle never going to end!!!
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