A
female
age
30-35,
*hnookims
writes:Hey. This is a short question but in order for me to get good answers, I think you need to hear all aspects of the problem. I live with my fiance and our daughter, who is a year and a half. We've been engaged for a year but next month is my 21st and I decided to co-join it with an engagement party. I've had a lot of issues with my finace's dad since day one. He doesn't like me becasue I'm not a push over and I won't let hm just say and do what he wants. Like telling me to my face that all christians are stupid, when I've told him before that I am one. And telling me we should get married in the magistrates court, when that's not what we want. He has never tried to establish a relationship with his grand daughter (she doesn't know who he is and he lives literally next door to us) and he even told my fiance that he thinks that he feels trapped with me because of our daughter. My dislike for the man started when I relaised how much he uts his son done and how nothing is ever good enough. For someone who constantly seekd his approval he was alwas sadly disappointed. Now a few months ago my fiance got an e-mail that was meant for his mother, from his father. It basically stated that my mother is trailer trash and I'm not much different, that my family is low-class and that my brothers statutory rap case gives a clear indication of what type of people my family are. (My bother was accused by a vengeful ex-girlfriend when they never even slept together, he was thrown into jail for a weekend at the age of 17 and has since had a nervous breakdown and tried to commit suicide). This from a man who has spent a year in prison for fraud. It also said that they need to be there WHEN the wheels fall off our relationship, to pick up the pieces. Since then we've seen him a couple of times and have found out that him and his wife spent like an hour bitching about what a liar and trouble causer I am. So my question is, do I invite my future father-in-law and risk happiness on these once in a lifetime parties or do I not? And does that make me a bad person if I don't?
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female
reader, shnookims +, writes (10 December 2009):
shnookims is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for the first 2 responses but I have big issues with the third, mister soon567!I didn't know my fiance was going to propose at the beginning of this year and we would already be married if we were more finacially stable! We want the engagement party now becasue we can afford it and that is when we would like to announce the date! My fiance's whole family, except his father, live in differetn countries and so we have to give a lot of notice so they can all make a plans to come here. I don't know what your issue is but if I want an engagement party, I should be able to have one whenever I please!I will not leave my child with that man and his wife! They have no respect for the way we bring our child up and the woman is an alcoholic! I am a responsible parent! I had not been disrespectful at all until the point where his father said those things about my family and refused to apologize! You would have put me in my place? Someone should put him in his! I am not just dating theri son! I am engaged to him and I have his child! I WILL be marrying him and we are planning a future! If they don't want me to be a part of their lives, then my fiance says they're choosing not to be a part of his! I am also a human being you know, I also have feelings! I am welcome as far into it as it involves my fiance, my child, my family and myself! And I do not have ager issues except when someone like you tries to put me down ad make me out to be the bad guy when I really believe that I've done nothing wrong but protected all those people around me, who are important to me! So thank you for that rude, unhelpful advise!
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (10 December 2009):
As a person who faced rejection from my in laws when I first got married, here is my advice: be gracious to them. This is for the sake of your partner who you love. As they get to know you over time they will realize what a mistake they made and they will change their minds about you. When I told my mother in law that I was leaving her son, she cried and cried and his father refused to speak to him after what he had done to me. This is from a couple who refused to give their son their blessing for our wedding AND when my first child was born they openly said they didn't think it was his. Yet I involved them in our lives, gave them photos of the baby and did whatever I could to be kind to them. My father in law also said Christianity was stupid!! But I ignored all negative stuff and just put it down to them being nervous for their son. By being this way, this shows strength, not weakness. You catch more bees with honey. In contrast, I have a no nonsense sister in law who refused to be spoken about in this way. She literally told them to fuck off. Now her oldest child is 13 and has never seen this side of the family because they dont speak. That child knows nothing but only speaks of hate because that's what his mother tells him. Avoid conflict with your inlaws; be gracious as many of our men often are when dealing with our interfering mothers. Since you are a Christian, I can tell you to learn from JC who said "love your enemies and do good to them". Now that is real power.
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (10 December 2009):
As a person who faced rejection from my in laws when I first got married, here is my advice: be gracious to them. This is for the sake of your partner who you love. As they get to know you over time they will realize what a mistake they made and they will change their minds about you. When I told my mother in law that I was leaving her son, she cried and cried and his father refused to speak to him after what he had done to me. This is from a couple who refused to give their son their blessing for our wedding AND when my first child was born they openly said they didn't think it was his. Yet I involved them in our lives, gave them photos of the baby and did whatever I could to be kind to them. My father in law also said Christianity was stupid!! But I ignored all negative stuff and just put it down to them being nervous for their son. By being this way, this shows strength, not weakness. You catch more bees with honey. In contrast, I have a no nonsense sister in law who refused to be spoken about in this way. She literally told them to fuck off. Now her oldest child is 13 and has never seen this side of the family because they dont speak. That child knows nothing but only speaks of hate because that's what his mother tells him. Avoid conflict with your inlaws; be gracious as many of our men often are when dealing with our interfering mothers. Since you are a Christian, I can tell you to learn from JC who said "love your enemies and do good to them". Now that is real power.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (10 December 2009):
Your father in law is clearly a man who wants to try and control his son's life, and you are very right to not accept his treatment. The person you need to speak to is your fiance. You need to tell him that you will not accept his treatment, and that he will not be allowed you treat you badly, or you will have to stop contact with him. It's not your job to stand up to his father. It's his job, and you need to tell him. You and your fiance love each other, and if he doesn't like it, it's his problem. But stay tough and don't give in. You have your life, he has his and that's it. Don't give in, speak to your boyfriend.
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