A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:i have been best friends with this girl for 5 years. But lately I've been thinking the friendship has been more of a poisonous friendship than an actual good one. I've been suspecting she has been stealing from me (I lose things at home and then find them at her house). She's constantly lying about the relationship shes in (however, I realize she has rights to her privacy but she often drags me into conversations about him and how much she hates him while she secretly meets up with him and i think that's dishonest). Whenever I hang out with anybody else she gets all upset and always have to know what plans I have and what were doing, I can never just say "im busy" and have the subject dropped, she always has to go into detail. Another thing is we had mentioned in passing once about college and how cool it would be to be room mates. She won't let it go. She legitimately thinks were going to be in the same college. She even got angry when she overheard a conversation between a friend and me about some Ivy League colleges I was looking at. She doesn't take school as seriously as I do, and often says I should 'blow off' study groups and homework, while my other friends encourage me to do these things. I don't really know how to deal with the situation, we've been close for so long but everything she's been doing lately has been getting on my nerves. She's always talking bad about everyone else and even once, blatantly said to me I couldn't hang out with someone she didn't like, as if she controlled me. What should I do? Should I confront her about these things? Avoid her for a while? or tell her I can't be friends with her right now?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): I do actually have many friends-its just i have known her for a very long time and she wasnt always like this (or so it seemed). I hang out with around 20 other people on a regular basis, part of the problem actually is how many friends i have since i need time to spend with each of them instead of just her, like she wants. she used to be a very good person, but it is almost like her boyfriend has changed things with her-he was abusive and ever since she began dating him (she is still) shes acted weird. our friendship has continued to get more and more complicated.- at one point we even kissed (something i know now was a huge mistake) but its just way too complicated and weird now i think
A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (24 June 2011):
 First of all, good for you for being so mature at your age and recognizing when a friend is toxic or poisonous. This is not always easy to do. You sound like a very self-aware and responsible girl.
I think you are on your way to bigger and better things than this girl, and it sounds like she may be too jealous or afraid to let you go climb the ladder while she waits at the bottom, so to speak. You will find in life that many people, including adults, are capable of some very nasty and destructive behaviors towards others, especially those they call friends. I believe these people are largely unaware of their toxic affect on others, and some, like this girl, may even feel they are doing their friends a 'favor' by keeping them 'real' or 'protecting' them. Luckily, it sounds like you have some good influences coming from your other friends who encourage you to study and aim high. In this economy pretty much nobody can afford to slack off anymore, unless they want to find themselves totally unequipped for the future.
If I were you I would distance yourself from this girl with activities and by being firm. She has no right to question you on why you're busy or tell you who to hang out with, and you should remind her of this when she crosses the line. Always be firm with her, but try not to burn any bridges. You never know what tomorrow may bring and it will be good practice for dealing civilly with people like this in the future, where your job may be on the line.
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A
female
reader, hilary  +, writes (24 June 2011):
 It seems to me that you do not have many friends because people with a lot of true friends would not bother with this person. You are holding on to this person because you do not have other friends. You have very little in common,
you are a lot more responsible and grown up than them,
you cannot trust them and you do not like them. That is not a friend! Find some true, honest, reliable, caring friends - it will take time and it will not be easy. In the meantime be careful with this one and if you must see them do not trust them.
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