A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone.I really need some help.I am a married man with a young child. For the past six months, I have been friends with a woman in our circle of friends whom I am very attracted to. We have flirted and it is clear that we have a connection and lots in common in addition to a mutual attraction. She is also married with two children. I have been married for 14 years and she has been married for 10 years.She and I are becoming closer. I have a strong feeling she wants to take the relationship further although she hasn't said anything. We have hung out in each other's houses and she is now inviting me out for coffee. I think this could be headed into affair territory if we don't stop ourselves.I am not completely happy in my marriage otherwise I would not be drawn to this woman in this way. And she has hinted that she is having problems with her husband. But I am comfortable in my marriage and don't want to loose my child because he is my world.I don't know what to do now. I am really torn because I don't want to stop it but I am afraid of moving forward. So I am not sure how to handle her. Any advice would be appreciated as I am really stuck in the middle. I can't seem to let her go because she is the total package...drop dead gorgeous, funny, giving, an amazing mother etc.Thanks.
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affair, flirt, married man Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): So the last 2 males are giving each other high fives and telling u go for it.
Hmmmmmm, I've got another suggestion: while u are playing around with this married woman, why not just tell you wife its ok for her to go out and f*ck another man?
That way u both can still pretend that u are happily married , the kids can pretend that their lives have not been ripped apart and well, it will make the friendly get togethers so much more interesting and will make for excellent gossip.
Oh well maybe I am just a fuddy duddy who cannot see the brighter side of this affair.
Btw: I bet you your marriage will be ended within 2 years. Yep 2 years max left: why? Bec u decided so...
LoveGirl
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2011): I'm with the last guy. Follow your heart buddy. If you want to be with this new woman, be with her. It would be the ideal/right thing to do to end your marriage and start up with this new lady if she is also willing to end her marriage. But in the real world, ending a marriage is probably too tough a thing to do, especially when children are involved. And it does not happen often. That's why so many affairs happen. Life is too short. How many times in your life do you meet someone who wows you like this? Probably not often. You are already involved in an emotional affair with her. That would be tough to end at this point. The next step is taking it to the physical level. If you say you share a connection and things in common AND a mutual attraction, I think you would be a fool to turn her down. Just my two cents...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2011): Im in your situation right now and well, it's like driving a car and take that next thrilling exit to las vegas or pass on and keep on the boring cruise control.
I love my kids too but this new woman is so soothing, radiant and sexy.
Ultimately I think life isnt a straigt line, be true to yourself and to others. Whats the point of staying with someone only for the kids and money?
Some will say that you give up your mariage, but maybe both gave up your mariage. You can keep it to the affair level too if you're discreet enough.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): Everyone has already said it here. Here's two more cents worth.She's angling for an affair. You are responding likewise. Her ego is getting a boost, and so is yours, admit it.But, you are not putting your best foot forward in your marriage, not giving it your best effort, and not doing the right thing by your child.If you are doing anything, anything at all, that you would not feel comfortable doing with your spouse there in front of you, then you are already involved in an emotional affair.Now, let me tell you about Drop Dead Gorgeous women, probably universal, although the old saying is to never generalize.They typically have no self esteem.They typically get self esteem from attracting others, but it is never enough, and so they have to prove that they have "what it takes". This leaves a trail of damage. Do you want to be part of that damage?What does this woman care about? Easy answer, best answered by telling you what she does not care about.She does not care about your child.She does not care about your wife.She does not care about your family.The only questions you really have to answer are the following:Do you care about your child, your wife, your family?If you care, then you don't have the affair.If you care, then you get counseling and work on your marriage.Affairs are more common today, but they are no less destructive than they every were.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011):
My advice:
Stay far away from this woman and work on your own marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): "....... can't seem to let her go because she is the total package...drop dead gorgeous, funny, giving, an amazing mother etc."
Is she also an adulterer?
Do you add this to her qualities, to her characteristics, to her moral fibre????
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): you know the saying: you play with fire, you get burnt??
well its true
2 marriages down the tubes
3 kids lives destroyed
family and friends fallout because of the sh1t
basically all around=
mayhem and pain
and suffering
lets not forget your reputation. After this nightmare, you would not know where to hide your face.
As for the married woman, well less said......
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (24 June 2011):
 Quite simply - work on your marriage and dont see this woman alone. If you put all of your energy into getting your marriage back on track it will keep you occupied and will stop you from thinking about this other woman so much. And if you are never alone with her and only see her when you have to, then the feelings will ease.
Being attracted to another person is normal, dont beat yourself up about that it happens to everyone at some point. There are billions of people on this earth, we are bound to be very compatible with more than just one person! And unfortunately for you, you happen to be friends with another woman who is compatible with you.
But what defines you as a man, as a person even, is how you handle the situation now. Lesser men would give in to this attraction and to her advances, and would have an affair. So you are now at the crossroads and it is your choice which road you take.
1. Give in to temptation, be weak and have an affair. Ruin 2 marriages, hurt 3 children in the process and have to sort out a very big mess when the spouses find out. Yes you might have a bit of fun with an attractive woman, but is is really worth it?
2. Look at what is wrong in your marriage and work on it. You have made vows to your wife to love her until death do us part, to be together through good times and bad - well here is your bad and you have to work through it. There are challenges in every marriage, and now is the time when you are being challenged - prove your worth and be strong, do the right thing and get your marriage back on track.
You married your wife - therefore at one point in time you believed this woman is the love of your life, the woman you wanted to share your life with. At one time you would have also thought that your wife is drop dead gorgeous, funny, giving, amazing etc. What has changed so that you dont think that anymore? Or do you still think that, but have been dazzled by the fact that there is another gorgeous woman who seems interested in you?
Often that can be a big part of it - the fact that someone other than your partner is showing an interest in you! It is not about the person, it helps that they are attractive and you get on well with them, but mostly it is the attention that is addictive.
What has gone wrong in your marriage? Has it gone wrong since your son was born? Or before then? What does your wife do wrong? What do you do wrong? What has changed since you married her? What has changed since you met? What would make you happy in your marriage again?
Have a really long hard think about what has gone wrong and what needs to change - then you can start to make those changes and make progress. Maybe even suggest counseling with your wife if you feel that would help.
But most importantly - dont give up on your marriage just yet for a mere attraction. Marriage and family is sacred, you cant let it go so easily for a fling with another woman. You have a little boy and he needs his dad, and even better for him is if mummy and daddy are together and happy. Imagine if you had the affair, and your wife left you - and one day your son comes to you and asks why you broke up with mummy, and you would have to tell him it was because daddy liked some other lady and he wanted to be with her? He would feel like you liked this other woman more than him and his mum, is it really worth doing that to him without doing everything in your power to save this marriage?
I can understand people getting divorces, but only when they have tried absoultely everything to make it work before they gave up. So many people get married and then will give up on the marriage at the first sign of trouble, but that is the opposite of what a marriage is about. A marriage is like a business partnership, there are going to be profits and losses, some years you might just break even, other years you are going to be incredibly succesful. But you dont fold up your business each time you lose a bit of business, you dont sell your business at the first offer you get - you work on it and put your all into it before you give up on it. And marriage should be treated the exact same - never give up until the situaiton is so dire that neither partner can stand to be together anymore.
So please, stay away from this other woman and give your wife and family the chance they deserve. Tell the other woman that it has gone too far now and you cant continue with the friendship as you need to work on your marriage, and you would like her to respect your wishes and leave you alone for a while. Dont contact her or see her unless you have to (maybe at a group social function with your wife, that would be ok) and never organise to see her just the two of you ever again. The more distance you have between you and this woman, the easier it will be to focus on your marriage and the more your feelings for the other woman will fade.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, Drew21 +, writes (24 June 2011):
 You say you are not completely happy, yet you say you are comfortable.
Those 2 comments are kind of at odds, for me. If you're comfortable, then why risk losing what you have?
If you're unhappy, well i guess the question is are you unhappy enough to be willing to betray your spouse, potentially breaking her heart if you ever get caught?
How does your spouse feel about your relationship? Is she as unhappy as you are?
I think you and your potential affair-mate need to just man up and examine your own relationships. Have you thought about counselling at all?
If your son really is your world, think about the example you'd be setting for him should you knowingly betray your partner.
I really don't think an affair is the answer here. Find out if your relationship is salvageable. If not, then i would go through the proper channels of separation and THEN you're free to pursue Miss Drop-Dead gorgeous.
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