A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm miserable. I have this ex boyfriend, things ended about a month ago. During our relationship I lost all contact with my friends outside of him, not because he told me to but because I had no time for anyone else outside of trying to talk to him. He lives somewhat far away and trying to see him, along with talking to him often enough, was very difficult. We had our fights, mostly about me not calling him enough or him missing me too much and it seemed like I 'didn't care'. He would get jealous over the silliest things.I love him so much. We talk all the time. He still calls me, texts me, we still talk playfully cute to each other (and I am not instigating it). He basically said I'm 'cute' not 'hot' or 'beautiful'. He says it's because of my age (he's three years older than me) and he just thinks I have too much of a 'baby face'. I was heart broken when he told me this, and this was about a week ago. It confuses me because when we were together he would call me 'hot or 'beautiful' and then all of the sudden he stopped. Even the day after we broke up he said he wanted to be with me, and I said I wanted to be with him to but nothing ever came of it.I just don't know what to do. He's my absolute best friend, I can't imagine not talking to him every day but I feel that emptiness in my gut just gnawing at me. I have a history with depression and I feel like I'm spiraling back into it because I just can't stop wishing we were together. I have virtually no one to confide in and I just need some sort of outside opinion. This is killing me. All I do now all day is lounge around the house thinking about things I should go out and do but don't have the momentum to do them. When I was with him, even when I was down on myself, I was happy. I don't know what to do at all. I'm sorry if this is a jumbled mess, but I would appreciate any advice given.Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): It's much harder to break up with someone if you continue contact. I think you would stand a better chance of getting over him if you cut contact.
You may find it useful to have some counselling for your depression - your doctor can refer you - and this could solve the root problem. The loneliness could be what causes the depression, but being with someone who is not right for you can be as lonely as being alone.
Would it be possible to get back in touch with old friends? Some of them may have been hurt and/or angry that you disappeared, while others may be more understanding. If not, maybe you could join a social club or class to meet new people.
You don't mention family, but if you have family members they may be able to help. Some people find it hard to confide in them with such things, but even going to see them and being looked after in ways like being cooked for can help.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (22 June 2011):
Hi there. You are in an LDR type situation - because of the distance, so this is probably the major part of the problem you are both having.
You mention not talking to each other enough or seeing each other enough, and these are typical problems most people have, who are in LDR's.
Loneliness is the major factor here. Then because of this, there are also trust issues.
Trust issues are most likely the cause of his jealousy. He feels insecure by the fact that he doesn't really know what you are getting up to in his absence, so therefore he doesn't really know whether he can trust you.
No matter how hard you try to convince him otherwise, he probably still has doubts anyway.
These are very common problems between people in relationships where the only contact is phone calls, texts, emails - but very rarely seeing each other in person.
There simply is too much absenteeism. Just not seeing each other often enough.
Perhaps the break from each other is for the best, because of all these problems.
If you are still talking to each other on the phone every day, you are only prolonging the agony of it.
You really would be much better off to have a proper break - no contact whatsoever, which means no phone calls or texts, nothing at all.
And instead of talking to him, just build a life of your own - go see a movie, take up some hobbies. Start making some new friends.
It's never a good idea making the man in your life the centre of your universe. Each person in a relationship needs to have their own life - own friends, own interests.
Making a man the be all and end all of your life, makes him responsible for your happiness. No-one is responsible for your happiness but you. He can't make you happy - only you can do that. Happiness is our own responsibility.
It's probably been the distance and inconvenience of it that caused the eventual breakup.
In future you'd be much better off with a young man from your own town - a local man. Then at least you can see each other on a regular basis.
For the time being though, you really need to get over this young man now, before you decide to look for another partner. Give yourself at least a couple of months to get a new life for yourself, and generally get to know yourself better and what you want in a relationship and what you don't want.
Being in an LDR is a very lonely life. You probably go about your daily life and see other young girls going out with their guys and having fun. This is what you are missing out on, and it's a lot.
It's very hard trying to sustain an LDR for very long. What you miss out on is:-
(1) Looking into each other's eyes.
(2) Holding them in your arms.
(3) Just sitting together side by side and chatting easily.
(4) Going out together and having fun.
(5) Taking them to family get togethers - birthdays, christmas, thanksgiving.
There are so many things you both miss out on.
Surely you do want all those things for yourself.
Your depression is happening again, because you are trying to keep a relationship or (friendship now) going, which was probably doomed from the start. The more you try to keep it going in whatever form it is, the more you are just tormenting yourself unnecessarily.
It really seems to have had it's day, and now you are just flogging a dead horse.
It's time to move on.
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