A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please need some advice! I have been going out with a guy I met online. He told me he only had one other girl friend in his life ( hes 37). He was quiet and seemed lovely. Well it's been 4 dates. As we have great chemistry he has spent the night at my place but we have not gone all the way. With this in mind, I spoke to him about wanting a committed monogamous relationship before sex. He told me it was fine as he wasn't seeing anyone else. Well yesterday he did not text me at all when he usually does. I got a bit suspicious so checked online and he had logged in to the dating site! He was only on for about 10 mins but I was upset. If he had enough time to be checking other women out, he surely had enough time to text me! Additionally when we are together, he never speaks about seeing me next time. Its always arranged over text usually with a bit of prompting by me.I haven't slept with him but am wondering what to do? Should I talk to him or see this as the writing on the wall. Is it too early to say? I am confused!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 November 2013):
 You are making great progress in your grasp of online dating and its pitfalls :) ; but I think perhaps you'll appreciate some more pointers, they may come handy.
So : I am pretty sure- sure, in fact, even if I cannot prove it , - that the trouble was not with your difference in religion ; the trouble was exactly with you wanting a committed monogamous relationship, and he not wanting it, at least not with you.
Why ? because if religion had been really an important concern of his, and a potential deal breaker, he would have said in his profile " I am Muslim- or Catholic or what not-, I am looking for a serious committed relationship only with a woman of my same faith, so if you are not, please don't contact me ". Really. It's THAT simple at times.
So the issue was not religion, the issue was that the guy was bullshitting from day one, i.e. he wanted to just test the waters and get what he could get, under the pretense of " looking for a serious relationship " , until you , or someone else like you, would bust his cover.
Plenty of people like him on dating sites. In words, they ALL want serious relationships, they know it's easier to reel in people and gives them much more choice than if they'd say: I am just messing around, killing time and seeing if I can get laid. Then, as usual in every aspect of life, it's the ACTIONS which tell the whole story.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2013): Well question asker here.I always wonder what was the outcome of so many dilemmas that I thought I would post you the outcome of mine. The guy did text me and we arranged another date. I decided to have a general chat with my date about going online and again reiterated that I wanted a monogamous committed relationship. He then mentioned something out of the blue that was bugging him. It turned out he was concerned about the difference in faith backgrounds between us. I tried to allay his fears and the rest of the date went well. Three days later he called to end it. The faith problem was the issue. It turned out him being online was a HUGE red flag and him not texting was another! Pretty obvious now I look back.Thanks for the advice everyone. You guys fid make me think and help me lots.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2013): I am on a few dating sites and I have some guys as pen pals, but never have met them. What I usually do is try to narrow it down to 2 guys that I am really interested in. I look at the distance where they live and what they do as far as their actions. One thing I don't do especially early on is to play the role of girlfriend. I try to enjoy my dates and not have any unrealistic expectations. Before I would always assume if the guy is complimenting me and messaging me constantly that he wants to be my boyfriend. I don't assume the worst when they don't text me back right away. I only worry if they never text again, but remember it is a sign to move forward. Someone told me not to put all my eggs in one basket, which I have done in the past. I am enjoying talking to guys and dating. When I see the guy I like the most online, I usually try to find out exactly what he is looking for so there are no misunderstandings. Sometimes I would casually ask,"How is the site treating you?" They respond very well and it looks to them like you are not needy or desperate for them. If they ask you why you are on, you say browsing and making friends. It makes you appear more attractive. It's nice when you have chemistry with a guy but you never know what they want unless you talk about it. When you said he wasn't seeing anyone but went on the dating site it was probably brief and maybe he just wanted to clear messages. I do that sometimes when there is nothing happening. I check almost everyday. So try to wait it out a little, but in the mean time go out and enjoy yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2013): I have gone rounds with the online dating in the past, before I met my BF and I hated it. I hated it for reasons like this. Mixed signals and poor communication galore, in addition to commitment-phobes, serial daters, pervs and assorted weirdos. LOL The fact that you explained how you feel about sex in a monogamous relationship...and he backed off speaks volumes.He apparently is looking to have sex--or maybe he treats sex more casually than you do. Others have said stop checking his profile to see when he was last on. I'll go one step further. Step away from the online dating sites, and enjoy the real world around you. Go shopping, go to dinner with friends, go get ice cream...The right guy could be right around the corner, and if you keep focusing on dating sites...you may not even see him.Just keep your eyes, ears, and options open. ;)
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2013): I agree with WiseOwlE. You are not in a relationship yet. He has the right to check his dating site. I think you are thinking too much into it. What if he just went into the site to reply to a quick e-mail. Stop checking into his dating site to see if he signed in or not; you don't own him. I know what you mean about checking other girls online; but aren't you doing the same thing? I recently signed on to a dating site as well, and I met a guy who I really like. We have only met twice; but I am still e-mailing other guys. I also went into the site to reply to a very nice e-mail from one of the guys who had e-mailed me that the reason he never replied to my e-mails was because his dad has terminal cancer. I mean, I felt the need to reply to his e-mail. He was kind enough to let me know why he left me hanging. I hate the fact that the website lets you see when the person last signed on their page. They need to change that, because it could mean nothing. Besides, nothing is official until you both sit down, and agree that it is. He is keeping his options open, I subject you do the same until is official.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (30 October 2013):
 I think that after four dates, he's not sure and that's fair enough from his point of view, though not brilliant news for you. It's also fair enough that you don't want to have sex until (if) you are in a monogamous relationship, and it's good that you had that conversation with him.
You could keep seeing him and slow it down a bit (no sleep overs) to see if feelings develop on both sides.
Whatever, don't text him again and don't look him up on the dating site. Your attention to his (lack of) texting and checking up on him suggest to me that you need to back off - remember, he's just a guy you met 4 times.
Good luck with him and with online dating in general - it's not for the faint hearted or thin skinned, and I speak from experience!
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (30 October 2013):
He's 37 and only had one girlfriend. This would be a red flag for me.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 October 2013):
 stop prompting him to see you.
stop rowing the relationship boat and let him lead for a bit. Let him initiate contact and set the dates... see what happens if you let him take the lead...
for all you know he was on the site to deactivate his account... why were YOU on the site?
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (30 October 2013):
 Apparently he has some trouble understanding the term "Committed Monogamous Relationship". When he agreed to it he was really saying, I agree to be monogamous, until something else comes along. While I don't agree with counting texts, I would expect him to initiate conversations about dates. It looks more and more like he's just not that into you.
FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2013): You see the red-flags, why are you asking what you should do?You met him online. That comes with a built-in caveat. You hardly know him; so you don't have any reason to be too attached. If you are, that's a red-flag he should observe.There is no commitment. He told the truth when he said he wasn't seeing anyone else. He hardly knows you. You've spent some time together. That doesn't mean you're in a relationship; nor that he can't continue checking the site for other prospects. You are free to do the same. Your post is describing two single people. Not a couple in a committed-relationship.He is showing indifference. You now see that he may only be in it for the sex. So he has already done you a favor by not replying. Send him on his way. You are now free to continue reviewing other profiles; and seeking the company of more interested, decent, and available single-men.You already know what to do; but here's my suggestion.Dump him!
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