A
female
age
36-40,
*innie73
writes:Need advice about friendships.. I'm going to try not to sound too much like a victim here, just bear in mind i've fallen in a heap and am feeling a bit sorry for myself.. For as long as i can remember i've had difficulties with friendships and being treated badly. I was bullied in high school because a girl was jealous a guy asked me to a dance. I had no idea why she attacked me ofcourse until later. I ended up leaving the school because no one would stand up for me. It's now 10 years later and i've received apologies from a few people and the school. However i'm still having troubles with relationships with people. Whenever i get advice whether it be from a psychologist or a friend, i get extreme responses that doesn't help me.. half the time i'm told i let people walk all over me and should stand up for myself more. The other half told me people avoid me because i create drama by standing up for myself? And again extreme responses: I've had been told i need to just be nice and open to everyone, and then on the other hand i'm told i need to be more selective with my friends so I've got a few really good quality friends. I have no idea what i should be doing?. I've also been told i just need to find better friends but that's not it because I see these people treating other people nicely, just not me. It's something i'm doing to bring it out in people. I just wish i knew what it was! There's a million examples but one recent one is i was planning on going overseas. One of my friends, lets call her Jo, organised a house in one of the cities and invited 3 of us. I was keen but when i talked to the other girls, one of them (let's call her Stacey) turned out to have a problem with me. She ignored me and told Jo she didn't want me to come! I tried to ask Stacey what i did wrong as last i checked we were friends, but got nothing back. Nobody would stand up for me or help me so i ended up staying alone in this city while they all stayed in a house together.I just caught up with the other girls who didn't have a problem with me. Afterwards, i found out from Jo how much drama Stacey had caused and how much people now disliked her, so then why didn't anyone stand up for me or apologise? To this day don't know why or what i did wrong. And the horrible thing is that no one is really friends with Stacey anymore as she behaved badly to Jo overseas. I'm asking myself why they're standing up for Jo, but wouldn't for me? These things happen often, a friend will just delete me off facebook or not show up to a dinner, without explanation, and won't speak to me again (this has happened with 3 supposed good friends) and no one can understand why. Others often just won't reply to me for ages (i mean, weeks) and then when i get up the courage to ask why they won't respond, they will accuse me of creating drama. Some times people will come back and apologise to me. I've had pretty poor self esteem most of my life but i am constantly trying to better myself, be positive and bubbly, start over. But i just keep getting hurt and let down over and over til i fall in a heap and can't see the point anymore. I'm exhausted. The only conclusion i can come to is people aren't nice? Please help me figure out what i'm doing wrong?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2013): This post could have actually been written by me, it's quite spooky! I too have found that my friends have let me down a lot in my life and I've spent a lot of time trying to work out why. I've not got it all figured out, but here are some of the things I think could be causing it:- I actively try to avoid drama. This sounds silly, but I have found that a lot of people I've met in my life have tried to get me to gossip or talk about people behind their backs and I won't do it. I don't like that sort of thing. That seems to have lost me more friends than anything because they get angry that I won't join in with them. One person even accused me of 'spying' for the person she was bitching about because it was so unbelievable to her that I just don't like being 2 faced- I'm very easygoing but I will stand up for myself if necessary. The easygoing thing is something that people tend to live about me at first because I just go with the flow and don't cause any trouble. However, a few times in my life I've found that people have tried to take advantage of that and when I've stood up for myself they have gotten quite mad at me. A good example of that is with a friend I made at uni. She was a single Mum and after being friends for 2 years I offered to look after her baby so she could go on a date. She started seeing the guy and began regularly asking me to look after the boy. I felt I was being used as free childcare and told her I was getting busy with my studies so she'd need to find a regular babysitter. She got really mad, said I was a rubbish friend and stopped speaking to me. After 2 and a half years of being friends!- I'm 'easy' to drop. Because I don't like drama I don't cause any either. Sadly others are not like that, and I've been in situations where friends have dropped me for more dominant friends because it's less hassle to do so. Again when I was at uni, I lived with 3 girls but was also quite close to the 4 girls who lived next door to us. One of the next door girls started seeing a guy who one of my flatmates liked, so my flatmate told me I had to stop speaking to the neighbour. I told her I wouldn't do that, that we're not in primary school, and our neighbour hadn't done anything wrong at all (she didn't even know that my flatmate liked him), so my flatmate lost it and said she never wanted to speak to me again. My other flatmated took her side and I ended up moving out because the atmosphere was so bad. Years later I met one of my other flatmates (who I'd considered a good friend until then) and she apologised for everything but said the flatmate that liked the guy would have made her life hell if she'd kept speaking to me. This sounds a bit like your situation with Jo. You were the easiest one to drop because you'd accept it with dignity. It's horrible though so I totally understand how you feel.I'm afraid I don't have any words of advice for you, but hopefully it helps that you're not the only one who feels like this. I feel like I'm a really good friend and I'd do anything for them, yet I never get the same treatment in return. I feel like I never make a big impression on people and they are just happy to stop speaking to me. One thing I would say is that I also suffer from low self esteem so maybe people are taking their lead from us? As in we don't believe we are worth much so other people don't either? It must be routed in there somewhere I think. It seems to be that selfish people hang on to friends no problem but maybe that's because they believe they deserve everything and that rubs off on everyone else?Sorry I'm ranting a bit. The final thing I would say is that people saying you are causing drama by standing up for yourself is something I fully disagree with. You shouldn't have to put up with bad treatment to make people like you. Even if that is where we are going wrong, who needs friends like that?
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (30 October 2013):
 "I've got a few really good quality friends."
that's all you need.
how many FRIENDS do you need? I have a few...there are exactly three that I see on a regular (or even semi-regular) basis and would die for two of them.
I do not want my life cluttered by having lots of friends that I don't have time to be there for...
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (30 October 2013):
You keep saying "nobody stood up for me"... That's not really anyone's job but yours.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2013): I think you gave plenty of examples; and I don't have a problem figuring out the problem you are having. You do,in fact, see yourself as a victim. You claim you're not; but all of the examples presented leave you neglected, abandoned, and misunderstood. Every interaction you have with people leaves you on the losing-end.You've dismissed every probable suggestion and explanation given by therapists and others; as to why you have problems with friendships. Everybody is wrong. Everyone can't be wrong.You are as human as the rest of us; yet all the common difficulties we all encounter in our friendships; somehow just don't apply to you.How come? You live on the same planet as the rest of us mere-humans. So what applies to humanity; also applies to you. Maybe not in every given circumstance; but for every individual problem, there is a given reason and solution. It's up to you to figure them out. That takes effort, and the belief you can.There is no one-size fits-all solution to problems with friendships. Each person has their own personality, so you deal with them accordingly. You can't call them friends until they act like friends. You also have to know what it is to be a friend; before you can have them.In my years of experience; people who have trouble keeping friends usually carry a lot of self-pity. There is never enough attention to suit them. They always one-up everyone when it comes to problems or accomplishments. All their conversations turn into complaining and whining. They gossip, and claim false-modesty. They are always at the core of some drama. Nobody loves them. However; they love everyone to kill themselves trying to convince them otherwise.People spend a lot of their time reassuring them, coddling them, and listening to them put themselves down. It's boring, annoying, and exhausting. So people tend to avoid them and don't include them. They are downers. They suck all the joy out of a room. It becomes their misery.It isn't the number of friends you have, but the quality.Loyalty comes when people can count on you. When you prove they are inclusive within the relationship. They are not there just to help and support you; but you are also there to help and support them. You may only have one good friend in this world; so you cherish them with all your heart. You reward that person with your trust, your time, support, loyalty, and your love. You'll hardly realize how many friends you don't have, because that person means so much. They know you care; and they can't find it in their hearts to let you fall without being around to catch you. You're on the spot just when they need you. You do it without a second thought. You fight; and forgive, with little effort.Love and friendship is not lost to those who are deserving.People are wise enough not to let a good thing get away.Those too foolish to know, usually never find it or destroy it. We all make mistakes. We just have to be decent enough to own some responsibility, and correct them. We sometimes have to be humble and modest. We have to be truthful, and accept the truth.We have to compromise, and share the effort in nurturing a healthy friendship. Not always wallow in our own self-pity; and drown people in our perpetual pool of sorrow.Relax. Be real. See the world with optimism, not cynicism.Judge people by their actions. Remove yourself when you see trouble coming your way; because of someone you mistook for a friend. Acknowledge red-flags. If there are too many; don't let desperation, or stupidity, make you dismiss them.Stop dismissing everyone's advice. Your problems are no bigger than those of other people. You may have more difficulty figuring out how to fix them; because you don't listen to advice and apply it. You prefer to let drama take over. That's where it all ends.Love yourself first. Be your own friend. Like who you are, and people will follow.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (30 October 2013):
I think this is something that goes with the territory of having so many acquaintances and friends. You can not make everyone happy and people often mistreat others to gain a foot hold elsewhere. Everyone has to deal with it but everyone has different reactions and approaches.
For the trip, you said that one of the women did not want you to come. I would assume no one stood up for you. If it were me I would argue and confront anyone who had a legitimate problem with me. If the trip was with acquaintances I simply would not bother going and get my money back. Compare this with what you did: you went anyway (on the trip) and found a place by yourself- to me this says anyone can walk over you because you would find a way to deal with it by yourself. I would say because you "dealt" with it in your own way, you were essentially out of the circle of drama. That left Jo to deal with Stacey which people saw for themselves and naturally sympathize with her.
I think you should have given more examples but maybe there are others who can derive more from your story and experiences thus far.
One thing I could see is that you are getting extreme responses which could be an indicator maybe you should just try to change it up a bit: try one of the extreme responses instead of playing it safe. You shouldn't beat yourself up though, even in my large circle of friends there is maybe one or two that I completely trust.
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