A
female
age
30-35,
*ashionate
writes:My fiance and I are on a break to give us time to think and figure things out. He didnt want to take time out but I forced it because we constantly kept fighting and he constantly broke his promise never to get angry at me over small things. And this has had a big effect on our relationship. We hardly ever now get happy times like we used to and I dont see him as my amazing fiance anymore. Will taking this break help? In getting second thoughts on this as it hasnt been even one day of no contact and i miss him terribly.Normally when I havee broken up with him he chases me back and begs me to take him back and normally when I enforce time out like this it never works out because e miss each other after a few hours and get back together.This time he has listened to my wishes and agreed on the break but I miss him so much. I want him back now. What should I do?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (30 October 2013):
 I do not hold out much hope for this one ending “happily ever after” Even if you do manage to get past this “engagement” and get married I am betting eventually you will divorce.
Once a couple is engaged there should be no need for BREAKS… either break up or make it work.
You sound like a parent with a child. You ENFORCE TIME OUT with a CHILD not with your equal partner.
Making him promise NEVER to get angry with you over SMALL things… well that’s just crazy making.
1. NEVER is not a realistic goal except for things like cheating… NEVER cheating on me is acceptable.
2. What’s a SMALL THING? Wearing your hair differently? Talking to a boy he does not like? DEFINE SMALL… see you can’t define SMALL… and to ask him to NEVER get angry with you for small thing is not a reasonable compromise.
BREAKING UP with someone should never be included with the words NORMALLY. If your relationship NORMALLY includes break ups and make ups then it’s NOT a healthy mature relationship and it is probably time to call it quits.
You say you miss HIM… what about HIM do you miss… do you miss him getting angry with you over small things? Do you miss the fighting?
How long did you ask for a break? I’d take a few weeks to see what life without drama is like and see if it’s better. IF you do opt to get back together I would suggest counseling before you actually marry; you may find that you are not truly compatible.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2013): You must be careful about "taking breaks" in an active and ongoing relationship. What you are doing is creating an impasse between you. No one accepts responsibility for what they have done wrong. Everyone gives their own opinion, with no respect for the opinion of the other. No trust, no respect; then there is no love. No room to forgive. Just nurture your grudges.You imposed the break; because you claim he gets too angry at you over small things. You have these mini-breakups whenever "you" get annoyed. Seriously!?So you like the drama of him crawling back to you on his hands and knees. That is so narcissistic. Behavior expected of a spoiled child. Pure drama. So that's your punishment? A time-out, like you're admonishing a bad little boy? He has no right to get pissed about things that you may do to annoy him? As if you can pick and choose at which times he has your permission to be upset? You are far from being mature; and marriage should be put on hold for a few more years to come. You have some growing up to do, young lady. If you knew how to discuss and resolve issues between you,there would be fewer fights. Too bad we don't get his side, so we can also set him straight. He needs to get a handle on his temper, and learn to express his feelings without using anger to intimidate and bully you.When you do disagree, it should end in compromise and forgiveness. Each party accepts responsibility for their contribution to the conflict. No one is right or wrong. The issue is discussed, analyzed, and resolved between two grownup and loving people. It is put to rest only because you have actually solved the problem. You want to get along and minimize hurting each other. You have to listen to his reasons he is getting angry. Not just fault him for it. Not put it aside while you pout, turn your back, and ignore him. This will become an established pattern in how you deal with your problems. It will never work. You'll breakup. It's inevitable that you will. Just keep it up and see!You are not his mother. He is not a child. You are behaving like a brat, when you retreat; because you don't have a clue how to handle menial problems in your relationship.Larger problems will surely arise again and again when you become a married couple. Drama and pouting is your way of manipulating, and reinforcing your emotional blackmail. It's all counterproductive and disingenuous. You are not ready to marry him. Even engagement might be a little premature.If you can't really handle a period of engagement, that's a poor prognosis for a future marriage.You sit down and you workout your problems "one at a time."You don't overwhelm each other with insults, accusations, and placing blame. Don't put too many issues on the table at the same time. Men have short attention-spans, it will feel like being scolded. He'll run for cover. Put your tears and nagging-voice away. Use your adult female-voice. Keep the volume and pitch down. If he yells, use your nature-given skill to calm him. It's built-in. Don't shy away. Stand your ground. Show no anger or fear. Even if you're pissed as hell. Someone has to be the grownup.You start with the big problems first. They require time and practice to workout. You don't argue, you discuss. You can stress a point without clobbering each other over the head with it. Fighting is just unloading aggression and trying to bully your opponent into submission. Your practice so far; is demanding his surrender, by cutting off love and affection. That will backfire on you someday.I hope not. You're just very young and inexperienced.If you can't avoid fights, and you can't communicate like adults; that means no one knows how to listen. You're struggling for control and dominance, and you both lack skills in communication and problem-solving. That's where you need more time to grow-up, to allow maturity to set in. I have to be tough with my response here. You really need to think so you won't lose each other. You love him behind it all. I have to be brutally honest with you.In a a nutshell, you're completely incompatible and marriage will be a mistake, if this is how you plan to handle things in the future.Stop using time-outs. Use communication. Allow each other to cool off while you're still together, not while you're apart. You don't want to get used to shutting-down; when it is critical for you both to be open and loving to each other. I'm not trying to be a meany, I just want to give it to you straight.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (30 October 2013):
 This relationship sounds there is too much drama. If you guys have broken up before and patched up, only after he does the chasing, sounds like you enjoy him chasing after you?
When you take a break, its to figure out what you want from the relationship and if you guys are right for one another. Sounds to me your BF might be agreement with you this time that this relationship is not healthy.
Asking for a promise that he will not get angry with you over small things is like asking some to stop their heart at will. I am not saying his behaviour is appropriate but I doubt its easy to supress emotions and feelings.
Taking a break is good, but the other option would be to have a very good communication line and discuss the problems maturely.
I will not be surprised if he does not end this no contact and will only speak to you when you give in. Sometimes guys just get tired of chasing. You decide whether this timeout was really required or it could have been resolved through open communications.
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