A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I've been in a relationship for 4 months. We were never friends before we started dating, and became physical quickly. 3 weeks ago I broke it off because I didn't feel we were connecting on an emotional level (that's what i told her... I was also concerned that I was just sticking around for the physical, and that I kept shying away from revealing my "baggage" in fear of hurting the relationship.) The break up didn't really stick, we're still going out, and the physicalness has only reduced a little... the only thing different is she now knows that I'm not as committed as her.Here's the problem... she likes me a lot... I mean A LOT. I truly believe she would be devastated if we broke up... and the more time we spend together (especially physically) she is getting more attachd (she tells me this.) But I'm not at that point yet... my feelings have been getting stronger since we "broke up", but I'm still not ready to make a long-term commitment... it's possible I never will.What should I do? I've been shying away from telling her some of the "baggage" that I have, knowing this will cause a lot of tension in the relationship, but I'm also don't want to lead her on... getting her more "in-love" with me than she already is.
View related questions:
broke up, shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, xSarax  +, writes (13 June 2007):
 Four months isn't really enough time to get to know someone, its hard not knowing somebodys past. It seems that nobody knows what baggage is, maybe another love or maybe something you have and can't get rid of. I was seeing someone for four months and thought i knew him pretty well but then it came out that hed been in love with his friend and had met me for a rebound relationship. Although he's never admitted this maybe because he doesn't want to hurt me or loose me as like you we still see each other and have sex. I'm in a position that your ex/girlfriend is in. I still love my ex but he hasnt made his mind up whether he wants to be with me or not. You're hurting her and you know that so you feel guilty, she isn't going to move on soon even if you try hard to make her see that you don't want commitment. and be honest with yourself who would want to push love away? She's obviously crazy about you. If you trust her and really cared about her feelings then you'd tell her what your problem is because its clear that its eating you up. If she was a decant girl then she'd respect you for opening up. If it does cause a lot tension then your not meant to be with her, but you've got to give her the benefit of the doubt. Don't spend as much time with her and you'll realise that you'll miss her more than you think. Best of luck.
A
female
reader, fascinated +, writes (12 June 2007):
 I don't have any idea what "baggage" you may be carrying around with you, but if you honestly believe that you are not ready for committment and she needs commitment, then you are only going to hurt her worse in the end by stringing her along. It sounds to me like the only reasons you have not broken up with her is to avoid hurting her deeply, and that you like the convenience of having your physical needs met in this relationship and you do not wish to give that up (I am not passing judgement, just assesing the situation). But the truth of the matter is that even if you were willing to make a commitment to her, you would not be ready to take it to the next level until you deal with whatever this "baggage" is. Not all women are looking for commitment, and some are comfortable in a casual relationship where both are getting their physical needs met. But if this girl is pressuring you for commitment and telling you that she is falling more in love with you as time goes on, then you have a decision to make. If you decide that you cannot face your "baggage" then you should end the relationship and avoid hurting her more deeply in the future-when she is even more in love with you. Or you can choose to come clean with her about your "baggage" and be completely honest with her. Either way-don't string her along. With or without her, my advice is that you find a way to deal with your "baggage". Because someday you might meet a woman who knocks you off your feet and makes you think crazy thoughts of a future together, and you'll wish you had dealt with it.
...............................
|
