A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:It has been 2 months since my boyfriend broke up with me. We were together for 3.5 years and the break up came totally out of the blue. The reason was that despite being great together we had drifted apart and had different drives in life. We were friends for a long time before we were a couple and have been trying to rebuild our friendship, however this weekend I discovered he has been seeing someone else (someone in our friendship group)for the last 6 weeks.I was completely devastated. I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach and have felt sick and been unable to eat since. Yesterday we went for a 3 hour walk together and talked about it and about our lives. He said its probably just a rebound thing and might not go anywhere but that didn't make me feel any better that he had got over me so quickly (ie in 4 weeks!!). He also told me how depressed he is and the most unhappy he has ever been in his life. He told me that I am the only person he can talk to about things and he really connects with me also that I'll always be his soul mate and he would do anything for me. This is a little screwed up right considering he doesn't want to be with me?Since it has been out in the open about his new gf he has wanted to see much more of me and suggests meeting up all the time. Again, this is a bit wierd right?I don't know what I should do for the best. I'm worried about his depression and want to be there for him but I can't handle being his 'soul mate' while he is with someone else.I still love him so much and the whole thing is just confusing me so much.Why is he behaving like this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2007): Thank you all for you advice. I know what you all say is so true and no matter how hard I have to try and move on.
I have written my ex a letter explaining exactly how I feel and that although I love him and want to be there for him I can't right now. I've asked him to try ans find the happiness he deserves but he needs to do this for himself as do I.
I don't know if I will ever send it but to me its kind of got it all off my chest and even if I don't send it its helped me tell myself to move on.
Thanks you again!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2007): You can’t try to be his soul-mate in this situation, it’s too cruel. If he knows how you still feel, he is being selfish to ask it of you. You are understandably finding it very hard to let go, and he is giving you just enough encouragement to keep you hooked. Maybe he doesn’t realise that he is doing this – but he is. You don’t want to hear this, but he will manage fine without you. In my experience, ex-partners never make good close friends. Friendly acquaintances yes, but nothing more. There is too much baggage. At the moment, you find it hard to believe that you could ever be mere acquaintances, or even strangers. But this will be for the best. I know how you feel, I did the just-good-friends thing, and it didn’t work, in fact it hurt like hell for a long time – wasted time. You need to gather up all of your courage and walk away – and keep walking - no matter how hard it hurts. It will be a sharp pain now, but it will be shorter than you realise.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2007): From the sounds of it, he is telling you that he is on the rebound, this new girlfriend won't last, and he probably is very unhappy and depressed......I would not try to be there for him during his depression, if it is real depression he needs to be put on medication by a doctor and go to therapy....you cannot be his girlfriend and his therapist, it does not work.
If he is just feeling low because he is confused, then I still would leave him be to sort out his feelings. I agree, that something is up if he suddenly ended your relationship....after that many years.
The same thing happened to me when I was 21 with my boyfriend at the time, and he immediately replaced me with a new girl (the reason he broke up with me) he ended up marrying the girl and divorcing 5 years later....I ran into him years later after moving back to our state from Texas, and he apologized to me (for the first time since he dumped me) for what he did and how, he said he just did not know who he was then and it cost him me and it cost him a wife......so from the sounds of things, I think you all are drifting apart because you have different drives in life and are on different paths....I don't believe in soul mates, or if I do, I believe their are many soul mates out in the world for us to meet, and when it gets down to it at the end of the day, not all relationships are meant to last, and they were meant to be at the time, but now you are on a different journey.
I don't know that I would recommend trying to be each other's friend, you cannot go backwards after having a deeper connection, move on, grieve and open your heart to someone else to love you, wish him well and kiss him good-bye.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2007): He wants to keep you around for potential hookups in case he's ever alone. But he doesn't want to commit, and he knows he can get away with this because, look, you're letting him get away with it. You're willing to put yourself through this agony just to be around him rather than dealing with it being over and moving on. Sounds to me like he's using "his depression" to keep you emotionally tied to him. Get away fast.
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A
male
reader, GAMEchief  +, writes (13 June 2007):
 Just because he dates someone else doesn't mean he's over you. In fact, he could be dating her to try to force himself to get over you. Do not feel bad that he moved so quickly into being with someone else. The male brain does not work the same as the female brain, and he is definately not over you if he calls you his sole mate. You need to find out why he broke up with you in the first place. Someone doesn't go three and a half years and *poof* no more feelings.
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A
female
reader, YummyMummy +, writes (12 June 2007):
 I think you need time for you. Yes you two one day can be the great mates you once were. But until you have gotten over the split and him being with other people it's not going to work. He may not be playing with your emotions purposely but that's what he is doing. He can't end a relationship and expect to be best friends straight away, although I'm sure there are couples that have done that somewhere.
Tell him as much as you want to be there for him at the moment you need some time for you. Maybe meet up with him once a week for a coffee or walk if the chats you both share help each other.
Good Luck
xxxxxxxxxx
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