A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am living with my boyfriend 24hrs drive away from my friends and family and a 3.5 hr expensive flight. I have been here living for over a year. We have plans to marry. I am having a hard time meeting friends here and having a hard time being away from my old life. I had such a great group of girl friends and am very close to my mother. I just cant seem to get past the fact that my life will be away from them. I know my boyfriend would never want to move as i have asked. I love him dearly but I dont feel my roots are here. I am 32 years old and have to make a serious choice. I dont know what to do. I dont know why i am unhappy. My life would be much easier here but less fulfilling on the other hand. I feel like such a baby. Please help!!! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (3 February 2010):
Back about 5-years ago I was in a very similar situation. And it really just depends on what YOU make it. However, regardless of what others say about you needing to "growup" or whatnot, there's a lot more factors that go into it than just missing your friends or family.
Sometimes it can depends on where you're at. If you're living in a city/town with him that you don't even care for and don't really have a lot of friends, it makes a HUGE difference. When I moved with my boyfriend, the city we moved to was only a 4-hour drive, but I didn't really care for the city in the first place and it was nothing exciting to me; and I did miss my parents and friends. Now 5-years later I live in the city I want to live and I'm doing the things I want to do. Some may consider that selfish, but I don't care, it's my life and I'm young and I'm going to do what makes me happy. Sure I miss my parents and my old friends, but I have new friends and new adventures that I make because it's where I want to be.
What I'm getting at is if you're really unhappy about where you're at, it's going to take a toll on the relationship. I can't speak for every relationship, but it did take a toll on mine. I was unhappy in general about where I was living and the situation, he didn't want to move so I became somewhat resentful toward him because he got to be happy and be with his famiily while I didn't, and I didn't get to make that many friends so basically he was all I had so I'd get pissed off because I was alone a lot of the time unless he was around and I'd get pissed if he wanted to go out (which is so not me). So if this sounds anything like how you've felt, I can tell you now, the relationship probably won't work unless he wants to compromise at all (even if it involves both of you starting somewhere fresh). In the end, do what makes you happy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010): From the original poster.BTw the site chose the title of my story. Calling my life with my boyfriend unfullfilling. I don't quite feel that way! I thank you all for such wonderful advise and experiences. I know I sound like such a baby but it kills me inside when I think of my children not being a part of my friends and family. Perhaps things would change if I develop those bonds here. I am very social but my boyfriend really isn't. And I find it hard to meet people. I meet singles who want a bar partner or are looking to meet men, which I don't or married people who want to do things when my boyfriend doesn't or ladies with kids which I don't have.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (3 February 2010):
 Oooh, my darling, how I feel for you. I lived across the country from my friends and family (who I'm so so close with), for FOUR YEARS (longest years ever) to be with my fella. This is my advice... you really have to decide if this guy is worth it. If he is everything you could ever hope and dream for, and vice versa, you'll find a way to make this work. Me and my fella - I told him that I could live where he wanted until I have kids. I can't be away from my Mom when I have kids. He agreed. And, now we're married and I'm back on the East coast, the homeland. No kids quite yet, but I'm happy to be home! He's happy too. We made it work.
If he loves you and wants to marry you and make you the happiest woman in the universe, he will find a way to compromise. Otherwise you'll just grow to resent him and find any excuse to get out of the relationship, just so that you can go home and be happy. And remember, you need to be able to compromise too... but don't stay horrifically miserable forever. That just won't work.
Talk it out. If this relationship is worth it and you're in love, you'll find a way to make the location-drama work. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010): I was in the same situation a couple of years ago: my family lived in Europe and I was in the states with my husband. I was constantly torn between the two because although he was english, he wanted to live in the states. But I missed my family and friends back home and couldn't imagine having children and not raising them to know my parents, my sister and their cousins. When we left I only wanted a couple of years abroad. He said he wanted the same but he changed his mind.Anyway, it tore me up. And our relationship really suffered from this. Eventually we hit a rough patch (he had a fling with another woman) and I needed the support of my loved ones. It was the proverbial drop. I left and moved back home. We divorced.I must say the two years after my return were tough because I did love him. But now I have met another wonderful man, who values family as much as me and is OK loving close to my friends and loved ones. I am happy and at peace. There is no doubt in my mind that I made the right choice... at the right time. I was married but we didn't have any children yet. So to answer your question, based on my own experience: if you feel so strongly about being too far from them move to be with them. If you and your boyfriend were meant to be he will follow. If not you're better off finding somebody who shares your dreams and values.Good luck!
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female
reader, dorothy2342 +, writes (3 February 2010):
 You are in charge of your own happiness and the decission you make will change your life. Don't be afraid of change or commitment. Grow up. Do you want a life with girlfriends and mommy. You are already in your 30's, you can have a wonderful life with a husband and family, get out there and make one, it's not going to fall in your lap with a nice red bow, it will take effort and comprimise on your part. You can still have the girlfriends and mommy, you dont have to choose. Visiting goes both ways. Don't let fear ruin your life. I have found when you don't know what to do, don't do anything, give it more time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010): It was so much simpler when it was decided women needed to move! :)
It sounds like a pity... But I'd move in a heartbeat if I was sure of the guy. I would also make sure that I made plans with my mother to visit her and have her visit me for long stretches of time. Have you discussed this with your boyfriend? Is he okay with a mother-in-law as a house guest for a month at a time?
Err.. in the old fashioned sense also depends on whether you guys plan to marry soon or if it is just far away in future... moving so far for a mere boyfriend is a bit iffy. In that case you may as well have an LDR with him whilst staying in your comfort zone.
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A
female
reader, sxcbabiegal  +, writes (3 February 2010):
 I think you should try and negotiate with him a bit more about moving a bit closer to home at least. You are obviously a very serious couple as you are planning to get married but if he cannot compromise with you so you can be even just that little bit happier if you could see your friends every other weekend then he sounds quite selfish.
If you are happier with your friends and family then you should consider returning home, maybe talk to your friends about it and see what they think as well. If you tell your boyfriend how unhappy you are and he still doesn't budge then i say leave him because relationships are all about compromise and making sure both people in the relationship are happy.
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