A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife has recently cheated on me and we have seperated. She's asking for a second chance. My question is directed at women that have cheated on their partners and carried on.I'm a bit worried the replies will be aimed at saving a 'sister'. Please be honest with me, my future is at stake.What process do you go though when you are the one that cheated, how do you reconcile what you have done, do you blame your partner for driving you to it?What about the man you had the affair with, Is he stored away as a fond memory in the recesses of you mind, to be withdrawn over a cup of coffee and chocolate.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, GetAGrip  +, writes (19 May 2008):
Sounds like she has relised the grass is not always greener on the other side. She wants you back for what ever reason, its a start. If she really means it and you still love her, give her a chance. If she loves you, her affair won't mean anything.
An affair is only the symtem of a unhealthy realationship.
Agree to take her back but suggest you both have individual counciling. It takes 2 to make a relationship work.
You can't change her, she can't change you. Its all about compromise. Start dating her again...remember how it was.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (14 May 2008):
 OK, I'm a man but....It would seem to me that a person somebody would engage in that type of behavior with would always occupy a spot in her mind. It might not be in the front of her mind but it would be there somewhere. It is a life altering moment and deed.
For a person to reconcile what they have done, they must be an open book. You deserve to know what ever you want to know. You deserve to have your questions answered although it might cause you pain. She are entitled to know her where abouts and she can not complain that you're pestering her. She needs to be pestered to understand what she's done to your trust. She needs to be sorry and I would expect her to wear it on her sleeve and walk on eggshells.
However, this won't go on for eternity. She needs to understand that her loyalty must be proved again. You're starting form scratch with her.
You need to understand what happened to the relationship that tempted her to stray. You need to understand your part, if any. It's likely you had some degree of "fault" in the breakdown of your marriage although it's not a definite. Fault has to be acknowledged and understood. She was the one who stepped out of bounds.
Finally, you have to be able to let it go. You cannot reason it away or change the truth. She did it and you feel hurt. You must accept that your bond was shattered on some level. It probably won't be easy but it is possible to forgive. Good luck with your choice.
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A
female
reader, jenmac +, writes (14 May 2008):
 Firstly you got to be honest with yourself.
Do you love her? Yes! Can you trust her? no!
You might always be checking up on her, looking at phone bills, credit card transactions etc and this isnt how it should be in a marriage (i used to be married).
You have to honestly ask yourself some questions about trust. Love can grow but trust cant.
I dont know if she will think of him or there times together but what made her cheat? Does she want to be married?
Its easier to stay with the people we know and love but some times its much better to move on and be happy.
Its really up to you what you want to do.
Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): I cheated on my boyfriend of 5 years during year 3 and 4 of our relationship (with the same guy) He said he forgave me, yet he constantly brought itup, he said I had to allow him to buy expensive things in order to "make it up" to him. He would say that he was done bringing it up, but it never ended. He always wanted me to spend more and more to make it up to him. I did it because I was stuck living with him b/c of financial issues. Well, eventually when I got free if the financial trap, I left & am now with the guy I cheated on him with. I blame my ex for driving me away. He was abusive, a liar, and he couldn't hold a job, lazy, selfish, unthoughtful of other's including his own mother..the list goes on & on. I gave him chance after chance in those 5 years & he kept letting me down. There are so many different reasons why women cheat, and since every person is different, I don't really think that our replies are going tohelp you much in your own situation. I always thought of the guy I cheated on my b.f. with..he was the 1 I wanted to be with but I couldn't at that time. Now we are married with children. I would advise not to give her a 2nd chance if her reasons for wanting one are out of convenience, such as mine, I couldn't leave my bf b/c I had nowhere else to go & my car was in his dad's name. I guess we need more info. like who was this man she cheated on you with, how did they know one another, how long it went on, how was your relationship before she cheated, etc.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): Everyone is different. There's no "this is how everyone feels" or even "this how you ought to feel."You realise your mistake, hopefully before it's too late, and you realise that your partner is the one you want to spend your life with and that what you are doing is putting that at risk.It's not a question of blame or of guilt, because if you start getting into that then it becomes difficult to move forward.You put it away for what it was: a mistake you shouldn't have made. You apologise for hurting your partner; you may not even do it in words, but that's what you do. You cling on to what you really want, and you learn by your mistake - you learn what is really important to you.And that man? Yes, he will always be somewhere in the back of your mind. You don't hate him, but neither do you love him. He was an experience that you shouldn't have had; an experience that has made you wiser and more certain of your future direction. Fond? Maybe. Maybe not. It doesn't matter.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): This is a hard question to answer.For me, personally, I always find it hard not to cheat...and it's odd because I always get disgusted when I hear that other people have cheated. I'd say that I'm hypocritical, but I really view it that I've done a major wrong when I cheat too.I've always heard "once a cheater, always a cheater" but I have to pray for myself and for others, that it's just not true, and that we can change ourselves.The people I've cheated with, I always end up hating. Really, they're just an outlet. I hate thinking about them, and I'd never have any extra good feelings about them once I've forced myself to stop using them.WHILE, I'm cheating, I blame my partner. It is only when I stop that I realize that it was I who was in the wrong.Well, I hope that I helped answer your question a bit...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): Very good question! I'd be interested in hearing any responses!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): I've cheated. I told my husband straight away and he felt he had 'driven me to it' - which he had - but then I did have a choice to not stoop that low. I believe from my own experience that generally the person who cheats has the worst deal living with guilt and low-esteem. It certainly did nothing for mine. I realised that the bigger thing was to have tried to work things out with my husband. I am still with my husband - the fling was 10 years ago. It does occasionally come up in an argument (mud slinging style) but I can honestly say that I would rather forget it and genuinely do not think about the guy very often (like once a year). It was a mistake (not all affairs are)and I feel I have tarnished my life. It takes a lot to retain your own dignity when you've done that to someone you care about. If you want to maintain your relationship you can see things from a different perspective. Trust can be re-built if you want to. If this is the one and only time I would say give her a chance and get some help and support but she has to realise that you will absolutely NOT tolerate it ever again. You don't have to go to counselling but there are some good books you can read individually. It must be worth a go?
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