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anonymous
writes:What obligations do we have in our various relationships and what is the nature of those obligations? I suppose an obvious relationship in which there are clear obligations is a contractual relationship. What about in marriages? Do we have obligations in pre-marital relationships, and if so, what are they and when do they begin? Do all relationships include obligations of some sort and how do we prioritise? Perhaps the very thing that keeps relationships together is obligation. Is it a stronger force than desire? Which is more important: truth or love? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your generous and helpful replies.
I often feel a sense of obligation in my relatinships, a sense there are acions I "ought" to take, but I have doubts that the type or degree of obligation I feel is always justified or appropriate.
For example, my mother called me back the other day and asked if I wanted to see a concert in her local park with her on 4 August, since that was her and dad's wedding anniversary weekend, Dad having passed away last year. My mother gave me a wonderful childhood, one that I think I still find it hard to leave behind. I love giving my mother my time and support and spend about one weekend in six with her, just relaxing or helping with little jobs and her finances. I call her every few days to chat and encourage her to view life more positively. As well as loving my mum however, I also want to explore the world for myself and follow my heart's desire and this can sometimes give rise to resenting her for sending out the message "I need you." When she asked about this concert, I immediately felt somewhat put upon, annoyed and uncomfortable. I didn't feel right saying no and I didn't feel right saying yes. So I told her that and that I wanted to spend time with her but it sounded like she was asking because she didn't have anyone else to go with. I later relented and said I'd love to go because I knew I'd feel better taking control of it by doing something nice for her.
That was a situation in which I felt obligated to my mother and the obligation restricted me from keeping that weekend free for mor appealing opportunities that may have arisen in the meantime. Was I obligated to visit my mother that weekend? If not, what was I obligated to do? Just be honest with her? I think if I had said no and an opportunity arose that weekend to make new friends, I would feel obligated to cancel and arrange to visit my mother instead, even though she is perfectly capable of making her own friends, little though she believes it. If I have obligations to my mother therefore, what exactly are they?
As a further example, I'm deciding whether to buy a house with my partner. We've been together off and on for five years so it feels rather odd calling her a partner or girlfriend! We get on very naturally together, which itself is very attractive - it's great having a trusted companion - and she is very talented, intelligent, reasonable and fun. I can't say I've fallen in love with her or desired her or felt that she was the one for me but it feels better to say I love her than it does to say I don't and, as with my mum, I feel safe and comfortable with her and I know I'm loved and when we've broken up I've wanted her back again. I feel obligated to not fall in love with someone else so when I see or meet someone else I find attractive and wonder about the possibilities of a relationship with them I can feel quite depressed and anxious and guilty. Maybe that's as good as it gets. I assuage my guilt and reclaim my power by doing something nice for my girlfriend but it's a temporary measure. Perhaps a better long-term solution would be to feel free to follow my heart's desire. So what exactly are one's obligations to one's partner, in the context of one's obligations to oneself?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007): We have obligations to everyone. Even the stranger on the street expects certain behaviors from us. When we behave outside of those expectations, perhaps spitting at and screaming obsenities at that stranger on the street, then there are problems. Those who are closer to us have differant expectations and your obligations to them are even more important that to that fictional stranger. You asked if there are obligations to a pre marital relationship and the answer is absolutely! Your obligations are the ones set up by your relationship with that other person. Mutual respect, consideration and concern for the other persons happiness and well being are what form those obligations. To prioritize your obligations you have to prioritize your relationships. Your obligations are strongest to those that are most important to you. Is your obligation to go out with a buddy from work for a beer as strong as your obligation to be at your childs spring concert at school? No. Not even close! Is your obligation to stay in touch with your high school sweetheart as important as any obligations to your current wife? Not a chance! Desire is what often keeps us to perform those obligations. Desire to make a loved one happy. Desire to be with them. Truth is just as important and maybe even more important than love. Love cannot exist when there is no truth. Love that is based on a lie will dissapate when the truth is revealed. Lies and deceptions will destroy love.
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reader, Cool Cucumber +, writes (25 April 2007):
 You should never feel obliged to be someones friends or be obliged to love someone. Love comes from the heart, from the depths of your soul. It is given freely and lives under no law or obligation. Love is kind, love does not envy, love does not parade itself. A respect for the person, surrendering and some amount of compromise is neccesary to make any relationship work amongst other things which should come naturally if you truly love the person or friend.
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reader, deejuliet  +, writes (25 April 2007):
 Wow! Very complex and hard to answer. All relationships come with expectations and obligations. Even a casual friendship comes with certain expectations and obligations, common courtesies. Those relationships that are closer to us, more important to us are the ones that take priority over more casual or distant relationships. Someone that you see daily is a closer relationship and takes priority over someone you see once a year. Your child come before anyone. Then a significant other, then parents, siblings, and close friends. This is followed by casual friends then distant friends and relatives. Does any of this help?
Love and truth are both important and intertwined. Love cannot exist for long if there is no truth. Hiding the truth, lying by ommision will kill love in the end.
Maybe if you can be more specific in your question, I can be more specific in my answer. Feel free to repost or private email me.
dee
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