A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a long distance relationship for just over a year now. It's been great and out of the year we've, all in all, managed to spend about 6 months together. We love each other very much and both get along great with each others families and friends.The thing is though, it doesn't seem like it's in the cards for us to be together in one place for a while to come. It might take another one, two or maybe three years before we reach the point were we can be in the same place.I am more than willing to keep this up the way we have. After all, there's a lot of love between us, we talk every day and we've managed to see each other quite a bit considering the distance between us (half-way across the globe, about 4000 miles or so).She however seems to be wearing down quite a bit, has been very depressed ever since I last left her and the only way she seems to know how to cope is by half-ways cutting me out. Almost pretending like I'm not here or that she doesn't care as much as I know she does.She also tells me that she can't do this for another year. That it's too hard and sad, that she needs me there. In her mind she seems to consider us to be broken up and has even told some of her friends and family that we are. At the same time though she tells me that she loves me, that she never wants to lose touch, wants to she me whenever she can and wants us to end up together in the end. I guess I don't really understand how that is different from having a long distance relationship, what we have been doing and what I want until we can get everything figured out. The only reason I can think of for wanting to break-up officially, without changing anything, would be if she wanted to see other people without feeling guilty. Which she tells me she doesn't want, which in turn I believe.All this has started to put strain on the relationship to because this is what almost all of our conversations have been about lately. We try and not talk about it because it's been talked about so much but we always end up talking about it again. Talking about it and constantly keeping it on our backs is making it hard for us to get on with our days which further promotes the idea of giving up on the whole thing in order to be able to move on. I just don't want to give up on this. I've put to much into it so far and I know for a fact that in the end it will all be worth it and so much more.I guess what I'm asking here is, what do you think is going on here, what might I be able to do to ease her mind and give her strength and what would you do in my shoes?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2007): Ask yourself if you're using her for a sense of security instead of for the love you claim to desire. Weigh those emotions with the desire to pursue what your doing for 1, 2, 3+ years.
You will only do what you want, and her likewise. Even if she were to travel halfway around the world to see you, will it be enough to prevent this wear from returning again? If something were to make communication even harder between the two of you, will you still be able to recover the relationship without resorting to guilt or manipulation? If this is something you're willing to work towards while pursuing your own path, then do so. If doing so is at the cost of her emotional well-being, then perhaps you should let her go.
A
female
reader, Carina  +, writes (9 March 2007):
 I agree with Bella. None of us know what's going to happen in life and all sorts of things can change for all kinds of reasons. When you have a chance of happiness then grab it and enjoy it. It's not clear why you're unable to get together for two or three years, but I imagine it's to do with study or work. Those things are very important but if you can possibly find a way round them then I would. Being in love means wanting to be with that person as much as possible and the prospect of spending so much time apart would depress most people. However, if it really IS completely impossible for you to be together then I think you need to make some sort of agreement between you as to whether or not you will both see other people. This will depend on how you feel about each other. If you're right and you truly love each other then I feel you should both make some sort of commitment, even if it's just between yourselves. Neither of you will survive as a couple over all that time unless you know for certain that you have plans for the future together. I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, Bella55 +, writes (8 March 2007):
Honey, women are emotional creatures walking on this earth. We need security and intimacy. You cannot get that over the phone or in letters. It is obvious that you love each other and some women more than others need to express that love. Its like keeping something closed in a jar and only letting some go once in awhile. I know this must be hard for you and for her buut I think its time for you both to come together. Look I know we are all out here to do our best in this world, but love is the most important thing and it can give you absolute pleasure. Start making plans to move in together whether in her country or yours. The planning takes ages, but that will encourage and give her hope, before she gives up. 3 YEARS, 2 YEARS is way too long, life is short. Start making tracks!!
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