A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What does it mean when a person can't stand to look you in the eyes for more than two seconds? My brother-in-law is like that and also this guy at church. There's no attraction whatsoever between any of us. My brother in law is like my own brother and I would never see him differently. I've known him for 16 years and he is usually quiet and serious. We've joked and talked (of course) during those 16 years but it's like he is always feeling anxious to stare. This guy at church is not attractive, is like 10 yrs. younger and I believe he wouldn't be interested in me. He is always with his sister. I'm somewhat friends with his sister because our church is 40 minutes away from our hometown; most of the people there live close to the church, and it's weird we chose to drive all the way there when we have so many churches in our hometown. But why would this guy feel so ashamed to look at me. The few times I've had the opportunity to look him in the eyes he didn't even say hi, he just looks away. I can't believe a 24 yr. old christian could be so weird. And my brother in law he is in his thirties. He is a succesful professional, has his own sisters, has been married to my sister for more than 10 yr.s and they have kids, plus they live close to me and my family so we see each other weekly. When people don't look me in the eyes I feel like they are hiding something. When are these weird men going to grow up, or what's wrong with them, or with me?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): You have to understand the thing about guys (the average responsible and good ones), unlike women we can get easily attracted to the opposite sex and hence we look away and kind of avoid from certain women who we don't want to be attracted to for whatever reason we feel it wouldn't be best - or in general to avoid conjuring these feelings because we don't want to be bothered by it.
In the case of your brother in Law, he's avoiding this because it wouldn't be right 'because' he's your brother in law. As for the guy at church he's probably really shy and so is extra susceptible to these feelings and can become awkward and extremely nervous and probably wouldn't be able to act normally 'just' by looking, and just doesn't need to be bothered by this sort of thing. Believe me when I say this, it makes a 'huge' difference by not looking.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): I would not concern myself over any of them, anonymous. People have different idiosyncrasies. Some are just that way with everyone, so don't feel it is anything personal. Shyness can take many forms. Some people stutter, some shuffle their hands or feet, some glance away, up or down or sideways when talking to you and some grin or smile when talking, even though they are talking about something serious. It can begin in childhood. Nobody knows exactly why, and the people may not really be aware of it themselves.
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A
male
reader, Shipwreckd +, writes (4 March 2009):
 Maybe the 24 year old is afraid to look at you because he's attracted to you and doesn't want you to know...?
I don't look people in the eyes for several reasons (when it happens...er doesn't happen):
a) I don't like the person.
b) I like the person a lot (it's a shy thing.)
c) I'm hiding something.
I normally tend to have a pretty intense gaze when I do look people in the eye (i.e. windows to the soul kinda thing) and that makes some people uncomfortable, so that makes me NOT want to look people in the eye.
PS: Women are just as strange. lol. Once you get past thinking that there's "something wrong" and get into thinking this is just how this particular person is, you may find that reading people becomes MUCH easier.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (4 March 2009):
 Aaahhh ... society and its "forced" values and norms on how people should behave ...
There may be many reasons why people stare, or not look you in the eyes.
= Lazy eyes (it is a medical as well a habitual condition)
= Lack of confidence (yes, even the most confidence people sometimes feel uncomfortable or intimidated by certain individuals
= Mild case of crossed-eyes (you think they are staring at you, when actually they are not)
= Long/short sighted (or simply their eyes/pupils need a longer time to adjust to focus)
= Cultural taboos. But sometimes it could also be, for some reason or other, the person deeply believes that to look away is better than to stare.
These are all the positive options that I listed above. Unless you know for a fact that s/he has harmed or hurt you or someone you know very well (friends, families) in the past, I don't think you need to waste your energy speculating on the "why" factor. Or perhaps, just perhaps, you just want to be seen and noticed and acknowledge by everyone? (In this case, it is about you then, not about them)
If you don't like to be in a church where you know you are going to run to people you don't like, just tell your husband that you prefer to go to a different church more often.
I did some work for a guy who had crossed eyes. None of his staff knew which eye he was looking at you. So I asked, in a "matter of fact" way. He said, he used his left eye to see objects in the distance, and right eye to read or for closer objects. I told his staff that, and they were all amazed ... they never knew!
Problem solved! ;-)
Cat
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