A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Hi, my question is this, I was talking with a friend who reguarly has casual sex with people. I was saying how it is bad if there is no love or commitment, but he goes, why? If i am using her for my gratification and she is using me for hers, what is the problem? I am not tricking her. I was stuck at that point, something in me tells me it is wrong but I cannot explain it. So you agree with my friend or can you explain better why there is something wrong with people using each other for sex? Thank you!! Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Greasy  +, writes (1 February 2011):
Hi there, I think I might be able to help.
The problem you're having is equating 'using someone' (which has a negative spin to it) with mutual gratification, and putting these things in opposition to love & committment. Teasing all these apart, I think, will help you sort out what you're looking for.
If I use someone for my own ends, I don't care about whether or not that person's motives or needs are satisfied - they don't enter into the equation. On the other hand, mutual gratification is a different deal - in that, well, it's a 'deal' of sorts. Both people's motives and needs count. Now what exactly those motives and needs are varies from person to person: you value love/committment, while your friend (& his partners, presumably) values physical gratification. Nothing at all wrong with that - both are motives and needs.
Morality comes into things when we either disregard the motives/needs of others (i.e. use them), or misrepresent our own ("Yeah Baby, sure I want to meet your parents..).
So that leads to a few different logical possibilities when it comes down to two people getting slippery:
1) both people are using e. other (neither care about the other's motives),
2) both people's motives/needs are different,
3) both people want mutual satisfaction, but not love/committment,
4) both people want love/committment.
So of those four, I'd suggest which works best for you is entirely dependent on your own view of the world and sexuality. For me, I'd want myself to prefer (3), but in fact probably like (4) because I just don't have orgy clothes. (2) seems less moral, or at least alocoholic, especially if there's deception/misrepresentation involved. I can't see there being any moral issue with (1) [this is your friend's argument], but my guess is that this rarely happens in practice (or maybe it's common among sketchy emo-types who wear lots of black... I dunno... I'm old now.)
Well, that was long - but I hope it helped.
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