A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 23 and have never been asked out. I'm smart, go to uni and actively participate in student organisations as well as take part in social work. I love having good discussions and always take genuine interest in listening to the person I'm talking to.I'm petite and I constantly get compliments about being pretty but I dont even think looks have anything to do with the fact that I have NEVER been asked out. But yes I get compliments from so many guys, yet they still wouldn't date me.I am extremely easy-going, fun, social and love going out. I can act crazy with people and have a pretty good sense of humour. I'm modest and humble at the same time; my parents have brought me up with etiquettes so I know how to act in different social settings.I do of course have my flaws, I don't flirt enough because I feel dismissed by guys quite easily but I do smile and talk easily so if a guy was interested, he would just dare to talk to me. However, no guy is ever interested in me. And some of my friends don't flirt at all but still get male attention and I do think that a guy would flirt with me himself if he found me even a bit interesting but they never do!!!!I used to believe that love will find me itself and when I least expect it but this belief has worn out after 5 years of nothing. I'm actually ok with that, surprisingly but I spend a lot of time wondering why it is that guys don't consider me dateable or girlfriend material.I don't even need a serious relationship, I used to be picky but I'm not anymore and if I find someone interesting then I would go for them.I have asked my friends whats wrong with me and they keep telling me nothing is but I have decided they probably just don't know what it is.
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female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (10 August 2013):
 I have to disagree with Chigirl. I dress at least a little provocatively every time I step out of my home, and I get hit on and asked out all the time because of it. Of course, the more provocatively I dress the more likely these men courting me are to be thugs and lowlifes, but it's attention nevertheless. And when I tone it down just a bit - while still showcasing my assets, of course - the range of guys who hit on me and ask me out increases dramatically to include all types. Maybe it's my age, but I've never met a man who'd approach a girl who doesn't put much effort into her appearance.
As for all the traits you listed in the first paragraph, great! But no one picks up on any of that in the first five minutes of talking to you, and it's the first five minutes that count the most when it comes to piquing others' interest.
There has to be some aspect of your personality that you're either not aware of or don't want to admit that puts people off.
My best advice is for you to put more effort in flirting. Guys probably don't think to approach you "like that" for any number of reasons, and so it'll have to be YOU who makes it clear that you're worth getting to know and capable of being a little vixen.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 August 2013):
 You list all your great qualities, and then you ask why gusy don't ask you out on dates? Well, guys don't care about all your great qualities, so sorry that wont help you get his interest. Those are things to keep a man once you've got his interest.
And then you head to the real core: you do not flirt enough. That's why. And you come up with every excuse you can find, such as you think guys should flirt with you themselves without you having to flirt. Oh yeah, because in your 23 years that's been happening so much... No, sorry, it wont happen. But you are of course free to continue to not flirt and see if maybe some full of himself player will try his luck after one too many beers. But that'll just get you to his bed, not into a relationship.
You need to flirt. Sorry. I know you think it's scary, but it's like riding a bike. Once you get the hang of it it's easy. And a big fat NO to your friends supposedly getting attention without flirting. They send out vibes, they have eye contact, they swing their hips or do their little things unbeknownst to you. They flirt.
Why would any guy want to go up to a girl he thinks will just reject him? Guys are shy too you know, they are actually very shy, and they very rarely just go up to a random girl to try their luck unless she looks non intimidating.
Let me give you an example of what ACTUALLY works with guys. When I get dressed up in a sexy skirt, show off cleavage, wear high heels and go out I get NO GUYS showing me attention. Zero. I look absolutely amazing, but there is NO attention. But if I go out wearing a t-short and baggy jeans, you have no idea how many guys hit on me. I've never had a guy compliment me on my nice skirts, but my baggy ex-boyfriends old ripped up jeans?? They were a guy-magnet.
And especially if I wear my goth clothes. OMG do I get hit on. Not by other alternative people either, not at all. I had 4 guys make their moves at me at the same time one evening, and it was only 8pm...
Guys will not approach you if they think you are out of their league. If you are too pretty. Too glamourous. Too dressed up, too clever, too brilliant. They get scared. They think they're not good enough. They think you wont like them, that you probably have some movie star boyfriend to keep you busy and they wont stand a chance. Guys glorify us girls sometimes, and they get scared of us.
So tone it down. Be less intimidating. Be casual. Wear a t-shirt with a funny text on it. I swear that ALWAYS helps, because it gives a guy an opening line. One time I was wearing a pair of zebra-striped gloves and a guy approach me because of them...! "Nice gloves", lol. They just need some help to get started! They need an opening line. So give them the chance, wear something they can easily comment on. Or say something outrageous that they can comment on. Or just randomly give them a compliment to start conversation. They'll jump at the chance if they get it.
But when it comes to guys, the "girl next door" is by faaaar more popular than the "princess". Keep that in mind. Don't glam up. You will get more attention if you don't wear make-up, seriously.
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (9 August 2013):
 I think your situation is very strange, but I feel your pain. No one is interested in dating me either, but I think I'm outgoing and pleasant and engaging. I don't know what it is, and when I ask people they say nothing is wrong with me.I agree with what Wiseowl said in that no woman who is as you described gets ignored, unless you're in some really unusual area where there are so many more available women than men and the men are spoiled for choice. So I think it may be the case that men ARE in fact approaching you but you're dismissing them and not even realising it. I may be totally wrong and I apologise if I am.I take a course for anxiety called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, and that teaches that there is a hell of a lot going on in our thought/feeling process that we are unaware of. Some people, me for instance, have a tendency to ignore positives and emphasise negatives. I'm working on that, and the key is to be more self aware. So when you're at a social situation like a party (or whatever), try to be an impartial observer of your behaviour and make a mental note of everything that happens, and afterward write it down. That might help you get a clearer picture of what is happening, if it's something you're doing, or you're dismissing people without even realising it.Also, I think what I would do if I were you, is find your best, most trusted friend, someone who goes out to social things with you, and tell her your concerns. Don't ask what is wrong with you, because she's just going to say nothing. She's not going to want to criticise you for fear of hurting your feelings. So put a constructive spin on it, and ask her to observe you when you're out at parties or where ever it is you go, and ask her how you might improve your interactions with guys. Ask her for tips. If she HAS noticed something you're doing to put guys off, she will hopefully take the opportunity to tell you. And don't be afraid to ask someone out. There's nothing wrong with that. Good luck. I really hope things change for you.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (9 August 2013):
Maybe if I had a discussion with you I could probably tell why a guy would not make advances. But so far based on how you speak, how you have analysed things and your experiences I think you might have a wall in between you and whatever other person. Some guys might just think you are too good for them and they might have to put in a lot of effort to even come close to dating you. But it's different I think when it comes to uni-life...people aren't at their best and no one has the time or money to put their best. Most guys would just rely on their quick tell signs of flirtation to see if a girl is interested or not.
I think it is a lot of small little things that is creating this wall. I think if you want to break this wall fast it might be a good idea to get wasted and have some questionable behaviour. Or well what I mean is do something out of your comfort zone.
Maybe you even need to befriend some guys and see what makes em tick and drives em crazy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2013): I agree with wise owl. It's something inside of you not outside that you never been asked out. Though still its very hard to believe. Guys ask girls out for different reasons. Some just want to get laid. Even those never asked you out? These type of guys ask girls out all the time seeking easy sex.
If a guy really likes and gives you signal that you don't know how to read there will be a problem. Some guys especially in your country are not brave enough or I don't know what's wrong with them, are shy to ask a girl out. They would give you a bunch of hints, but never actually say, let's go out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2013): Have you ever considered that guys may be hitting on you, and you are totally oblivious to their advances?
It can be an involuntary-reflex to deflect guys who are making passes. You may not even be aware you're doing it.
I have had it happen to me many times. When my partner passed away, it took me over a year to get back into the dating scene. I walked with blinders on, and lived a life of celibacy. I had a good social life and lots of friends.
I just didn't open up. I was a clam when it came to romance.
I'd go out with my friends and get hit on. My friends would ask, why did you brush that guy off? He was totally flirting, and you just didn't even pickup on it.
I didn't realize I was ignoring people in that way. I was so used to being in a relationship; I subconsciously ignored people who were flirting or making passes at me. Like you, I was wondering, why no one seemed to pay any attention to me.
It wasn't them, it was me!!!
You have to practice the art of flirtation. You can ask a guy out. You don't have to wait to be asked. It's not unladylike to check a guy out; and offer to buy him a drink, or invite him out for a coffee-date.
People read your body-language, facial expressions, and offer you signals when they are interested. You can't be so caught up in trying to be likeable, that you over-look the signals when they're coming back at you. You have to put out your radar.
Don't fold your arms across your chest. Don't back yourself into corners. Smile, keep your chin up, and chest out. Let your shoulders relax when people approach you. Look people in the eye when they are talking to you. Just relax and let your natural charm flow through. Pause to allow men to talk to you, toss you hair; and just allow your natural femininity to come to the surface. Avoid being mechanical.
If you find a guy interesting. Hold his attention and flirt. Let him know that you are friendly and receptive.
Relax and don't try too hard to be noticed. It will come off as phony and contrived behavior. Almost condescending.
If you are everything that you describe in your post; there is no reason why you don't get asked out.
If you don't, you have to introspect and consider what it is you're doing. Nobody can duck that many bullets. Someone will eventually hit the target.
Sometimes we inadvertently dismiss people. He might not seem to be exactly the type of guy you'd be attracted to.
You may have set a very high standard in your head, and reject guys that you don't think measure-up. If he doesn't fit the image or male-prototype perceived in your mind; you don't even bother to allow them to pursue you. You have so many wonderful assets.
So you make him feel invisible. This rubs guys the wrong way. Then they back off. You can easily pickup the reputation of "Ice Princess," or snob.
Other people around you are noticing how you behave; and there is something you do that puts guys off. I think a few details have been left out. I wish I could talk to one of your closest girlfriends.
I'll just go on what you say. You need to talk to your lady-friends, and asked them for their objective opinion.
Let down your defenses and listen to constructive criticism from the other females. They'll tell you like it is, girlfriend. You just might be a little stuck up.
The only girls that don't get asked out, are girls who avoid it. They are usually protecting some insecurity.
No one with all the great assets you've listed, gets ignored. So you have to be the one not picking up on the signals, sweetie! Stop running and allow yourself to get caught.
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