A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Let me start by saying, I have posted here several times regarding this subject. I asked if it was normal that my girlfriend was occasionally speaking to her exes and kept me a secret to her family. Recently she told her family about me - after we have lived together for 7 months. We have been dating about a year and a few months. Things have not really been the same between us. She has seemed emotionally walled off and I have tried really hard to bridge this gap between us.As of a few weeks ago I have been having severe trust issues with her. In the past her exes contacting her really bothered me because for the most part she kept it hidden, and occasionally when I had asked if she has spoken to them she has always told me no or that she kept the conversation shorter than "hey how are you".Her behavior has been very evasive since she came home. Me entering a room or approaching her from a certain direction causes her to angle the phone the opposing direction or lock the screen all together. When she left for a trip she had accidentally left her email logged in and I let her know that I did not read it but instead logged out for her. And she seemed almost concerned that I had read something.Well, last night started the most miserable 6 hours of my life. I grabbed her phone while she was sleeping... and read text upon text of several months worth of communication of her ex constantly telling her how much he loved her and how much he misses her, how beautiful she is... etc. Her responses (in her language) were identical. But she has stated to me that it is "just the way they culturally talk". But I do not understand why then she has been lying about this for a year. I have asked why she is talking to him and her response is she "just wanted something to talk to". She swears it is innocent and has pleaded to me that she knows it is wrong and she wants to cut all communication and fix things... yet she has changed her phone lock password and wiped all communication she has had with her ex. I have told her she has broken my trust and that her current actions only continue to break my heart. What am I supposed to do? Is she still entitled to her privacy after she has had a clear disrespect for our relationship? I mean she even lets this guy have pictures of the two of them on their messenger app and facebook. I do not even do that because she "hates the publicity" of herself... I feel so betrayed. I have picked up my whole life and moved because I love her. I have worked hard to put food in the fridge and a roof over her head but she has whimsically come and go as she pleased and now just broken all trust and hope I have had for this relationship.Do I continue to try and work things out? What steps do I have to take to ensure she is actually willing to put this behind her and fix things? Or at this point is it better to end things and have her find a new place to live? Thank you..
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (9 August 2013):
Look, I know it's easy to say "break up with her" when you're on the outside, but it's also easy to stick around and ignore reality when you're on the inside.
I think that a betrayal isn't always grounds for leaving someone. But, when it implies a serious character flaw that will continue to create problems, then I think it's time to move on.
I remember your previous question. Your girl is a liar and manipulator. She uses her culture as an excuse to emotionally cheat. She knows what she is doing is wrong, she knows it hurts you, but she continues. Does all of that sound like qualities you look for in a spouse?
On the other hand you provide for her. You're there for her when she needs you, AND you let her get away with emotional cheating.
She doesn't deserve trust. But spying on her isn't the answer, it will only cause her to be more careful about her phone.
If someone cheats, the problem that caused it needs to be fixed or it will happen again. Spying on her is not fixing the problem. In her case I believe she has a problem that the two of you are incapable of fixing. She's in love with her ex and refuses to give up the relationship for good because it makes her happy to have two guys in her life telling her how much they love her. That means it's not something you can change, she's just needy and selfish.
Sorry to be blunt here, but I really believe you're in for a lifetime of this if you stay with her.
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (9 August 2013):
Look, I know it's easy to say "break up with her" when you're on the outside, but it's also easy to stick around and ignore reality when you're on the inside.
I think that a betrayal isn't always grounds for leaving someone. But, when it implies a serious character flaw that will continue to create problems, then I think it's time to move on.
I remember your previous question. Your girl is a liar and manipulator. She uses her culture as an excuse to emotionally cheat. She knows what she is doing is wrong, she knows it hurts you, but she continues. Does all of that sound like qualities you look for in a spouse?
On the other hand you provide for her. You're there for her when she needs you, AND you let her get away with emotional cheating.
She doesn't deserve trust. But spying on her isn't the answer, it will only cause her to be more careful about her phone.
If someone cheats, the problem that caused it needs to be fixed or it will happen again. Spying on her is not fixing the problem. In her case I believe she has a problem that the two of you are incapable of fixing. She's in love with her ex and refuses to give up the relationship for good because it makes her happy to have two guys in her life telling her how much they love her. That means it's not something you can change, she's just needy and selfish.
Sorry to be blunt here, but I really believe you're in for a lifetime of this if you stay with her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 August 2013):
 YOU need to find out what YOU need from her in order to rebuild the trust.
I would say as long as it is not unreasonable, and she is willing to work past it, she will agree and hopefully you two can work on it.
Keeping you a secret is a no-no in my book. I don't think people who are SERIOUS about someone would hide their partner. Though If they know the family won't approve and they are from a cultural background where that can cause trouble, maybe then I get it.
There is NO way of ensuring it won't happen again OR that she will actually want to work on it.
Nothing you write shows she has any sincere remorse for her actions. It was "all a misunderstanding"...
So it's up to you (and of course her) if you think it's something you two can/want to fix or not.
Do I think someone who has betrayed their partner's trust has no "right" to privacy any more? No. BUT if they are sincere about wanting to work it out they should be willing to be an open book if THAT is what their partner needs, though at times that can be pretty hard.
Sit her down and tell her what she needs to do (and ask her what she NEEDS from you too) - see where it takes you.
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