A
female
age
41-50,
*aviebelle
writes:What is wrong with me?? Please tell me what's wrong with me. I am ending an alcoholic marriage and am getting divorced. It has been very sad for many years and then i get involved with a married man for the last 18 months cos he was kind and caring. He doesn't have children and I haven't used him in anyway. I have only tried to support him and be a good friend but it went beyond that. I find myself lonely, feeling guilty and very sad. What's wrong with me? Do I have low self esteem? Am an intelligent woman who has a job. I pay my bills and look after myself .I try and look after my mum and though I know she wants to live with me, I can't do that full time as I would like a proper partner in my life. But I feel guilty towards my mum. I am 40 years old. Why am I such a mess? I have looked after myself , my mum and my friends for the last 13 years. Why did I give into the married man? Why can't I find someone to love me? Am I destined to be a loser and have nothing? Thank you for your time.
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alcoholic, divorce, married man, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 February 2016):
 Loneliness, sadness, feeling vulnerable and dejected. A bit of low self esteem too, divorce does that to people even if they initiate it, it's nearly inevitable to see it as a personal failure ( " I could not make it last " or " I am not good enough to have a happy r/ship " ).
You were thirsty for kindness, care, and nurturing- and that made you weak, and open to accept things that ( hopefully ) you would normally neither accept nor seek when you are at a better place within yourself.
You are not a natural born " loser "- but you are in a terrible rush ! You haven't even ended your current marriage yet ... and you are already despondent about not finding another partner ?...
Give yourself time and breathing space. There are things that you need to digest and process, before you can face a new relationship from a place of Independence, self acceptance and inner peace, so that you do not have to settle for crumbs.
Please do not call yourself a " loser " just because right now you do not have a partner, or because you are struggling a bit to find one; that makes me mad :). As if the only thing that it's worth " winning ", at the game of life, was a husband !!
I do not mean to sound jaded ( in fact, I am even too romantic for my own good.... ) but it just unnerves me to see how many women feel they are a failure JUST because they do not have a man . They can be good mothers, good daughters, good friends, good workers, good citizens, good in sports/ arts / finances etc., they can be good PERSONS all around.... but nothing counts, unless they have a boyfriend, ANY kind of boyfriend, even a lousy one, even a married one ! , they feel that they are nobody , and that there's something majorly wrong with them .
I say : pfui ! to that. And when you'll learn to say pfui ! too, you'll see that naturally and automatically you will set higher the bar of your expectations and demands, and you won't be open anymore to take in cheap imitations of a real relationship.
Chin up !
A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (1 February 2016):
 Sorry to hear that you are going through this.
You are at a very tumultuous time in your life right now. You are approaching middle age, you are getting a divorce and you are struggling with one of the toughest emotions: loneliness.
It is no small wonder that you reached out to someone -- anyone -- to help you. And perhaps a married man may have suited you: he was safe and likely unattainable.
I would certainly take a deep breath and realize that you are struggling with a lot of things. I would encourage you to see a therapist or someone you can talk to. They may help you expose patterns that are leading you to self-destruction. I suspect right now you are punishing yourself for your failed marriage and getting involved with a married man.
Be kind to yourself and realize that life is difficult right now, but it WILL get better if you start taking the steps to make it better. Also, when you find yourself in a hole, don't keep digging yourself deeper.
Best wishes,
Eddie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2016): Loneliness and grief from a breakup (with a tinge of desperation) will make us grab the first available emotional connection we can find. Seeking immediate relief from emotional pain.
Especially after ending a soured relationship. You're undergoing the brain-chemical process of withdrawal; which is like going cold-turkey on an addictive drug. All the feel-good love-hormones produced by the brain are suddenly cut-off. This process clouds the judgement, and all the mind wants is comfort. Like a brier, those feelings will drift through space and cling to the first thing that offers them a place to rest.
The first warm-blooded body that comes along and offers this comfort, will catch you in the midst of your most vulnerability state of mind. This unexpected comfort is the same as an addict getting a quick-fix. Rebound emotions kick-in, and you're hooked.
Once you realized he was married, and you came to your senses; your wisest move was to end it to maintain your dignity. You gave-in to desperation. As a mature and intelligent woman, you cannot allow yourself to lose your self-control. Self-pity can also lead to self-destructive behavior. You're punishing yourself for your past mistakes, and you feel you don't deserve anything better. So you lower yourself to doing things you know you shouldn't be doing.
You're too mature for that. No matter what excuses you try to make for it, you know better.
Enough with beating yourself up. Been there and done that. Show me someone who hasn't made a really lousy decision of the heart, when their emotions are in turmoil. It has, or will, happen to everyone at some point over a lifetime. Maybe a fortunate few may escape, but something else will come it its place. That's how life goes. Chalk it up to life and experience; then use your common-sense and fix it. That's what you do when you know you've made a bad decision. Not just talk about it.
Now that you've realized the mistake. Correct it. Then forgive yourself.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 January 2016):
 I don't think you are destined to be a "loser" as you call it. It was ONE married man, one mess up. Now if you were doing this OVER AND OVER ("dating" married guys) I might say maybe, but you have not. So cut yourself some slack.
Accept that even YOU are capable of making piss-poor decisions at times and THIS one of them.
So next time you met a guy you fancy, you check him out (online) you take your time getting to know him (if he seems single in person and online). If he DOES show up to be married, you block/delete him right away, no need to talk to him or see him again. Because these guys are usually VERY good at manipulating women into feeling sorry for the guy or so glad for the attention they CHOOSE to overlook the fact that he is NOT single, but married. Thus... no need to talk to him.
A for why you can't find someone? Well, I think if you are in a state of "self-doubt" and self-hatred" you are not really going to attract someone positive. But someone who sees you as a person to exploit.
So maybe? Take some time to work on you? Find things to do that makes you happy, surround yourself with GOOD people. Be happy with YOU.
And relax being a single woman is not the end of the world. I'd definitely rather be single than be used by some lowlife cheating scumbag.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2016): Because you don't love yourself. You think you don't deserve anybody to love you and stay with you. You let your mum make you feel guilty.
We get what WE THINK we deserve. Plain and simple.
Change the way you think about yourself.
Try cognitive therapy.
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